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Parent with care

  • FabDad
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17 Jun 09 #124681 by FabDad
Topic started by FabDad
One anomaly I would like to see corrected is the connection between money (in the form of child benefit) and care for children. The assumption should be that both parents care equally for their children - and if decisions need to be made which changes that situation, then the parents should have compulsory mediation.

  • rubytuesday
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27 Jun 09 #127123 by rubytuesday
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Interesting idea Fab.

The problem with assumptions though is that they are often wrong! I do see where you are coming from - in theory shared parenting sounds great, but in practice, its is often one parent over the other that does the bulk of the "work" - this happens even when the parents are still together.

I am all in favour of shared parenting - and would say that my ex and I share the parenting of our two daughters - but we live some 250 miles apart, so the practical aspects of the day to day parenting fall to me - its just the way it is, but it doesnt mean that he is any less of a father (I still phone him up when the kids are playing up and ask him to speak to them! ;))

Money is always a sticking point - and one that wont be solved easily, or quickly. There needs to be a degree of flexibilty in those arrangements, as each family and situation is unique, and needs to be veiwed as such.

tin hat on! ;)

  • FabDad
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28 Jun 09 #127328 by FabDad
Reply from FabDad

No need for the tin hat :)

I know what you mean about assumptions, but at worst it's overriding one assumption (receipt of child benefit = care) with another. You're right of course in terms of one parent often being in a position to do more than the other - but in my case I've gone from 120 hours with me caring for my son to about 4 hours in a week with no weekend contact, and maybe 26 hours otherwise. It worries the hell out of me for his emotional health and wellbeing.

Considering that we're told not to associate money with contact when it comes to divorce, this weird anomaly seems to be contradict that 'principle'.


  • catuipie
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01 Aug 09 #135568 by catuipie
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I have always been a single parent, even when married and living with my ex in terms of my children's well-being, especially discipline. My ex did everything he could to undermine my efforts with the kids, making the job far more stressful that it need have been. He seemed to think it was his right to 'act up' just like the kids all the time.

He continues this bahvaiour now we are seperated, as he claims child benefit and reduced CM for our older son, though it is me who buys his clothes, unless he buys them himself, and feeds him every day when he is at college, as he comes to me for lunch, even when he is supposedly in 'shared care'. My ex only buys clothes for himself.

I think I should get more CM to reflect this, but the calculation cannot take this into account. It assumes he is a responsible parent. He isn't.

Any money I get goes on my kids, money he gets goes on himself and his girlfriend.

  • JN64
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12 Jul 12 #342725 by JN64
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Too right mate!! This assumption is ridiculous. As far as the CSA are concerned, receipt of Child benefit equals parent with care!! The CB money goes into my ex''s a/c because she is 12 years younger than me and I didn''t want any hassle for her in the event of me dropping off the peg. Actual care responsibilities had nothing to do with it. Sure makes a difference now though.

  • fluffy76
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12 Jul 12 #342728 by fluffy76
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I think shared care should be the norm. I wish my ex would go part time, split cb and cancel our cm.

We would both have less money but the children would really benefit.

Unfortunately, he only wants every oth weekend. He loves his job so much. He works in construction Mon-Fri 7.30-4.30 and refuses to ask for part time.

I think shared care should be the default after divorce. Children wouldnt have a strict parent and an easy parent. Parenting would be much more balanced.

My children are 8 and 10 and ex h did the school run for the first time EVER last Friday and I think it was really beneficial for the children to see him under the same pressures I''m under in the morning to get everyone out and ready for work.

I would give up the child maintenance of £700 a month any day for hated parenting but it''s not a high enough incentive for ex as he earns 60k and loves his work too much.

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