Changing the Law?

tim waits wrote:

you forfeit your rights to be a resident parent

Small point - parents don''t have rights, they have responsibilities. it is children who have the right to maintain an ongoing and proper relationship with both parents.

As I said before, I kow what Tim is feeling and I guess we all accept, the system cannot cope with all cases, all divorces are different in one way or another, they end up the same, all people are different. Its not possible to deal in a simple manner.
My thoughts also at the time was that; I found it very hard to get help, to stop my marriage failing, but, it was very easy to go round my town and get a free half hour with an solicitor I like about how we are going to start this war!
I know we have mediation etc, but most of it only really comes along when the horse has bolted.
When marriages go wrong and the s***t hits the fan, you need help today, tomorrow. Not next week when we can fit you in, a week is a looooong time in the process of a divorce/seperation when things get to that peak when one person says, I want you out, or, I am leaving.
You can get to see a solicitor tomorrow but not relate etc?
There needs to be a body that you can see within 24 hrs for help and I suspect if dont right and the right help available there would be a lot of marriages saved, maybe or a lot of expense and heartache saved.
From my own experience and NOT aimed at any mothers or RP''s in wiki, for instance, this could be an opportunity to let both parents know that, if its the case, neither of them are going to be excluded from the kids lives, period.

As a bloke just don''t ever get married.
It''s a licence to feck you over.
No kids! No House! No money! and you have to pay the ex wife to live with the kids in your old house with her new fella.
If you live with them then it''s 50/50 on the house that''s it fair.
MADNESS!!

All the best
HRH x

So let me get this right you have said ..

''What I am suggesting is very simple. Here are the rules by which a marriage is conducted. If you break those rules you pay a heavy penalty. If you don''t like them don''t get married.''

No one surely gets married thinking it''s going to end in divorce( ok maybe some do) but that''s not the point.

Tim this subject is not as black and white as you would like it to be.

You are the one that has been left and you have every right to be hurt, angry and even bitter for awhile. That''s a normal reaction.Can you honestly say that you played absolutely no part in the breakdown of your marriage?? I don''t think there is anyone on here who is perfect. Your stbx wasn''t happy for reasons that you must now know. She has made the choice to leave.
Life isn''t fair Tim and people grow apart and change and fall out of love..it''s as simple as that.You can''t make people stay together if they are not happy..it''s wrong on every level.

To blame the person that has left totally and deny them a fair and just settlement for their contribution to the marriage is ridiculous.

No, what needs to happen is the law needs to change to try and make divorce a smoother, fair ( for both parties)and less stressful experience for all those involved.

Hi Tim

2. Before a marriage is entered into, couples are obliged to formally acknowledge that they fully and completely understand the full extent of their commitment and MOREOVER THE CONSEQUENCES of breaking that commitment.

I have the perfect solution for this one (might even suggest it to a priest I know). Couples considering entering into marriage should attend an eye-opening class; spend an hour a day, for a week, reading through these forums--because they scare me spitless.

I found Wikivorce at the start of my sisters’ divorce to educate myself in the procedure so I’d have a better understanding in support of her. My husband and I are tight, but I’m telling you, we are holding on even tighter now. In our families (and mine is big), this is the first direct experience we have had in divorce--and no one wants to go there.

When I stand outside school and hear of who is divorced or getting divorced I realise just how in the minority I am. In fact, many of my age are well in to their second marriage/divorce. So yes, I think Wikivorce should be compulsory reading to all; maybe even to be included in the high school curriculum. I know of one young woman who got married just to have the big society wedding (to impress her friends); she was divorced three months later--daddy sorted out a quickie divorce and the poor ex left the country. People would be in less of a hurry to get married after a lesson from Wikivorce.

Hi blue
“...what needs to happen is the law needs to change to try and make divorce a smoother, fair (for both parties) and less stressful experience for all those involved.”

What is also needed is to reduce the length of time it takes to be dragged through the divorce/settlement proceedings. 4 years(as someone on the forum has had to endure) is a loooong time to have something like this hanging over your head. For my sister, it’s been 2 years; and just when we thought it was all over, he throws another spanner in the works with an appeal. So goodness knows when this will end. He’s desperate to break her; he holds the purse strings and he’s hell bent on driving her out without a penny to her name. He’s cut off her allowance; she’s now broke and dependent on family for financial support. What makes it all sooo cruel is that she still loves him; that can’t just be turned off like a tap.

What should have been a clean cut 50:50 divorce–they married late in life; no children (though he has grown children from a previous marriage) would have been settled if the stbx (together with his devious solicitor) wasn’t allowed to spend so much time stalling, withholding information, all the usual threats and scare tactics in the hopes she will give up and go away – leaving him with everything. He’s trying try to drive her out without a penny. Yet he’s the one who wanted the divorce because he’d fallen out of love; (turns out though, there is another woman). He’s the guilty one, yet he’s the one punishing her for pippin him to the post by filing for divorce. He refused point blank to try counselling or do anything to save the marriage.

The point is that even though all concerned (both in and out of court) are well aware of his tactics and intentions, absolutely nothing is being done to put a stop to it. And because he holds the purse strings, he can afford to do this and he knows, down to the last penny, how much she has. So is able to calculate just how long he needs hold out until she runs out of money to fight for her entitlement. He just forgot about the large family she has to support her and keep her going.

Hi Blue,

Sorry clearly not making myself clear here.

This is not to do with blame.

1.the original marriage vow is for life
2.Ergo if someone decides to go early they have broken that vow
3.They should be allowed to divorce and I agree as quickly as possible. Indeed in my system it would be much quicker because the residency/financial issues will have been predetermined ie the remaining parent gets residence and the accrued financial assets - no need for drawn out court procedures.

If I had been the one wanting to leave for pastures new I would feel absolutely no sense of entitlement to be the resident parent - although I would still want to see the kids as often as possible. Nor would I expect to keep those assets accrued in the marriage, and I would expect to have to continue to financialy support my children. Otherwise I wouldn''t be able to look myself in the mirror - it was my choice to marry and my choice to leave, irregardless of who was to blame (violenece and adultery excepted).

By the way, I fully agree with notmydivorce, wikivorce should be compulsory reading for those contemplating marriage. People need to know what an awful system it currently is.