Introducing the other man...

Since my wife is now in a relationship with someone else I have started thinking about what happens next… at the moment she is keeping this new life completely separate to her life as a parent and as such my daughter (3) hasn’t yet me her BF. We have agreed that we will decide together when we are happy for them to meet but I’m not really sure I ever will be! How should I deal with this when it happens? What is a good approach? How long is long enough to hold out before they are introduced? I feel I should meet him first, is this reasonable? Any advice relating to this would be gratefully received.

I think you will find despite her saying that she will agree with you about the kid meeting the new fella.
That won''t happen in reality.
All the best
Pete

I am interested in this thread.

My husband left about 18 months ago. He has a girlfriend. At that point we agreed that there would be no holidays with new partners for 2 years. However, after all this time he has never even introduced them to his girlfriend. The kids say that he never mentions her in front of them.

Whilst it still rips my heart out to think they would ever meet her, let alone like her, I am now wondering if this situation is in their best interests.

They are teenagers. I feel their lives have been so destabilised by what has happened as it is. Yet the uncertainty of not knowing anything about his girlfriend is not, I suspect very good for them. And why he totally shuts them out of that part of his life. After what''s happened I think they need to know what''s going on, who''s who, and most importantly where they stand.

Let me tell you something that happened recently. I was ''messing around'' with some bloke. They got wind of it. One evening they walked into the kitchen as I was washing up and had obviously been talking with each other. In a way uncharacteristic of teenagers, they asked to talk to me. They then asked me that as I had a new partner was I going to leave them now.

So, in the absence of information they had put 2 and 2 together and, based on their experience with their father (i.e. parent gets new partner and leaves), come to 100. That gave me a real jolt and made me realise again how destabilising this was for them. And also made me decide on a policy of complete honesty with the children. But as I said earlier they are teenagers so the approach has to vary with the age of the kids I guess.

My point is, is them not meeting the girlfriend good for them? I''ve been through so much suffering that, quite frankly, it could never get any worse than it has for me. And me being concerned about me is no longer an issue. They need to come out of this unscathed insofar as is possible.

This thread is timely for me because it''s an issue I want to raise with my ex but have not had the courage to do so so far because it hurts so damn much. And finally, Mr Ex: I know you''re on this site. If you''re reading this, let''s talk about how to engineer this for the sakes of our kids, who I know you love as much as I do.

Others, I would be interested in hearing about your experiences of your kids meeting their exs'' new partners and how it went for you and how your kids reacted. And if you think it was a good thing to do.

Best wishes one and all.

I am amazed that you have agreed to decide together .I have been told it is none of my business when he introduces the OW.
My kids do not want to meet her and hate her,I feel that if he does introduce her the already dodgy relationship they have with him will break down totally.
I cannot understand how their relationship can withstand the double life they are leading .She doesn''t know the real him- the Daddy.perhaps that is why they hold out for a while ,not for the kids sake but to protect themselves.
As she is only 13 years older than my son ,this makes it even more awkward - she could be our daughter!!
I don''t know the answer to this ,only my feelings about it and I don''t want her any where near my kids.
But I guess i will just have to wait and see what happens - perhaps they will dictate the outcome .

Vanessa''s story is a really good example of why children do need to meet new partners when they look like becoming a long-term proposition. If a new person is part of your or your ex''s life then if the children don''t know them they are excluded from that part of their lives. I know it''s often painful for people, but once it looks as though they will be around for a while it''s probably better to introduce them sooner rather than later.

That said, my younger one has told me several times that he thinks his dad''s new woman is like another mum - grrr. I think (of course) that the new woman''s just sucking up because she knows her relationship with my ex is a bit precarious.

Best wishes,
Sadie

Best wishes,
Sadie

hello,
Am new to this but this post really struck a chord with my situation.Husband of 20 years left last summer out of the blue,to move in with OW whom he had allegedly met 6 weeks earlier down the pub. The day after leaving he came to speak to our kids aged 12 and 14 at my request and spent 1/2 hour telling them how wonderful the new woman was and how happy she made him. He then left them alone to go and meet her down the pub, where I bumped into them having taken the dog out for a walk!!!
He has since pestered them to meet her, so that he can play "new happy families, which eventually they did, 3 months after he left. The first meeting was for lunch for an hour in the children''s favourite local cafe, where they felt safe and secure, although he had wanted to take them to the pub! I found this whole situation really hard and as part of helping my kids to cope suggested I meet her myself prior to them doing so. It was very difficult and I hated every minute but I wanted her to know about my kids, as she has none herself. All she kept saying was "I understand" which after the 20th tIme started to wear thin. I remained calm and polite but came home and broke down completely. Luckily I had friends waiting for me.. In many ways I felt sorry for her having to now live with HIM!
My kids do not like her, they think she is weird and now I think they are angry with her for taking their dad away. He has done himself no favours by his insensitive handling of the situation. My daughter has stayed over only once in the last 10 months with them whilst my son has up until now point blank refused to. I am still dealing with the fall out of our family being destroyed but realise now, that we can create a new perhaps better version without him.
OW is now trying too hard to ingratiate herself with my kids, ultimately I think it may be too late. Their father continues to put his needs and that of OW before his own children which they can see, and I think is so very sad. The advice I had from my excellent family lawyer, was that new partners should not really be introduced until the relationship is fairly permanent i.e 6-12 months and then it should be a very gradual process. Hope this helps others!

My daughter has not met other woman in three years and despite pressure form his family is adamant she does not want anything to do with her. Son has met her once and said that was enough for him. Her own son has suffered real problems since she got together with my stbx because she puts him before her son even sending him to live with dad as he was in the way. He has since been excluded from school and I really fel sorry for the boy. My stbx is a very selfish person and it appears she is the same, I cannot understand how anyone could put another person in fornt of their own flesh and blood but that is just me.

It has been easier for me as my kids are older and able to make up their own minds but it must be difficult for parents of younger kids. Also my children know I would never diappear from their lives for the sake of a new partner.