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Bit of advice please

  • mumandboys
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30 May 12 #333969 by mumandboys
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Ive popped back here to see if i can get a bit of advice as i dont know what to do.

Story in a nut shell since Jan. My eldest son who is 7 hasnt wanted to go stay with his dad since Jan ( stemed from staying at xmas and new year and wanted to come home a day early and he was told no because i wasnt in, i was ) We went through a bad patch of his behaviour at home and school, had counciling meetings ect. Dad also remarried in Jan and his new wife already has a son ( to someone else)

So since then he hasnt visted his dad or grandparens ( dads side ) My youngest has and enjoys it.

Its now come to light that my ex and his family seem to think ive been posioning my eldest sons mind, making him not go.

How do i handle this situation, what do i do? As i know i havent said anything to my eldest not to make him go, tbh it would be a welcomed brake if he did go.

His dad isnt making the effort to spend time here with him to help build bridges and in insists his wife comes on every pick up ( or she insists ) My ex has to do a 3 hour round trip to collect the boys.

Any advice welcomed

  • hawaythelads
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30 May 12 #333972 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
How old is your son?
I suspect 14.
Anyway, he is in my opinion expressing his hurt about the remarriage by not going to Dad''s.
He''s angry with his Dad.
I''d speak to his Dad and the Grandparents and say w hether you believe me or not I am categorically not trying to poison him and block contact,and that they are welcome to work it out with him.
I would try and get to the bottom of what is upsetting him but I would also tell my kid enough is enough that he has to go at least once a month to see his father.
All the best
Pete x

  • mumandboys
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30 May 12 #333974 by mumandboys
Reply from mumandboys
Hi Pete,

Thanks for the reply. He is 7.

Ive spoken to both and i just bang my head against a wall everytime.

Ive tried to work out whats upsetting him, hes been to counceling and i cant unlock what hes holding in.

I cant and wont physically force my eldest to get in the car so that wouldnt be possible to make him go.

Im not sure how id block contact as he still needs contact with my yongest - if that makese sence.

  • rugby333
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30 May 12 #333977 by rugby333
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These matters are delicate.

From a father''s point of view, his son is just his little boy and he can''t possibly fathom how that has changed - divorce sort of makes time stand still - it''s very difficult to see that the relationship is changing and that the child is materially different from before.

Consequently most father''s see a change in contact as the mother''s fault, not a change in the child or indeed the child just growing up.

At the same time, as an NRP, if your children turns to you and asks for a change, then you listen. However heartbreaking. The key as an NRP is that you do not feel that the change has come from the mother''s negative influence.

The solution therefore (as always) is in your relationship with your ex: if it is a bad relationship, then do as Hawaythelads says. If it is an ok relationship, then speak to each other about it - maybe best for you to do some family things, like a meal together or some such - broadly it may be in his and your interest to bury the hatchet.

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30 May 12 #333985 by pixy
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He''s 7. He''s not old enough to make such decisions. You have to remove the choice and make him go, just as you would make him go to school or clean his teeth. Once he gets there he''ll probably settle down really quickly.

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30 May 12 #333996 by rugby333
Reply from rugby333
Apologies - didn''t realize he was 7 when I sent in my post (thought he was 14 as per Haway''s post).

Pixy is correct.

  • Fiona
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30 May 12 #334125 by Fiona
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Accusations of poisoning a child''s mind aren''t uncommon but quite often children''s resistance to contact is based on experiences of real past events which they can describe.

Children''s views need to be seen in light of their age and understanding but it is adults who make the decisions. It would be a foolish and irresponsible parent who didn''t insist their child went to school just because the child didn''t feel like it, was worried about getting a row for not doing their homework or had fallen out with friends. On the other hand forcing a child who is bullied and depressed can have devastating effects.

Likewise with contact. If there is some upset allowing a child resist contact doesn''t give them the opportunity to reconcile their feelings and what was initially a minor problem becomes a huge issue. On the other hand insisting a child goes to contact when they have been traumatised by their experiences and show signs of anxiety but are unable to say anything because of fear or loyalty would be counter productive.

Children may not benefit from counselling particularly if they see the problem is lying with their parents. My suggestion would be to try mediation. You can make an initial appointment on your own with a mediator and they can write inviting your ex to attend.

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