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Making me look bad in front of others and children

  • Yummy_Mummy
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10 Aug 12 #348665 by Yummy_Mummy
Topic started by Yummy_Mummy
Please can someone help.

Soon to be ex is involving other people and they are not checking or clarifying anything with me.

This is making me look bad and I am getting to find out about it and it is upsetting me.

He is also telling the kids stuff which means they feel even more upset and confused.
I believe the term ''grooming'' is what it is called?

Please can someone tell me what I can do about this?? And where law stands on this?

Thank you.

  • QPRanger
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10 Aug 12 #348669 by QPRanger
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not sure if there is much you CAN do really I''m afraid: its pretty much par for the course if the split isn''t amicable...

My stbx has I''m sure painted the blackest picture of me possible to mutual acquaintances and tried to do the same to my family and friends: what I''ve learnt is that the people who truly care for me WILL support me through thick and thin: some people who I thought of as ''friends'' have chosen to take what she says as the truth without hearing my side at all so I have realised they are not people I want in my life anyhow.

  • Yummy_Mummy
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10 Aug 12 #348672 by Yummy_Mummy
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Thank you for your reply.

Unfortunately it isn''t just to family and friends but other people too like schools, estate agents, work colleagues, neighbours....

It''s really awful. No one is checking anything with me.

How can he carry on like this?


  • jslgb
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10 Aug 12 #348674 by jslgb
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Maybe a large part of the reason people arent checking with you is because they dont believe him!

People expect mud slinging in divorce and by him continuing to do it he is showing himself up more than he is showing you up. All you can do is maintain a dignified silence and carry on with your life with your head held high. That in itself will prove what he is saying is a load of rubbish.

  • missguided
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10 Aug 12 #348682 by missguided
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YM, I completely agree with QPR.

Those that truely matter will ensure that as a minimum they ask for your side (every story has 2 sides after all). Really really good friends know you enough to not even need to ask.

I have exactly the same with mutual friends and for me the worst bit is that we work together, he is very senior so everyone is very keen to agree with anything he says, even if it makes me look bad. My work environment is now horrible as a result. But again, there is one person (who actually works for him) that has said, i work for you, doesnt mean i cant be friends with your ex (me). She needless to say is a true (and v close) friend.

Lift your head up high and dont give him (or any of those 2 faced people) the satisfaction.

Miss x

  • minxy1912
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10 Aug 12 #348686 by minxy1912
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I agree with everyone else,try and rise above it. Your true friends wont care or listen. How ever,i know what you mean,it wasnt just my ex slagging me off its his new woman, going around spreading nasty stuff, mainly lies to bizzness profeshinols aswell. it has taken a year of there lie and nastiness and now karma has intervened and well and truly caught up with them. If they put anything in writing keep it,build your evidence up and bide your time! i am currently getting my ex and his new gf done for libel, slander, and poss perjury. Remember the truth will out.
Good luck.x

  • mumtoboys
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10 Aug 12 #348689 by mumtoboys
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please don''t let this upset you - I know it''s really, really horrible when it happens but it is ''normal'' and what are people supposed to do? check out with you that what your ex has said about you - probably not very nice things - are true? can you imagine how that would feel for an ordinary, decent, level headed kind of person who knows you, knows your ex, knows your children?

I used to assume that my ex''s friends had taken his side. There is a bunch of people who were his friends, rather than mine, that haven''t contacted me since he left me. And that includes their wives, some of whom I would have said were good friends. I made an early decision that I wouldn''t rock the boat, try to interfere, try to tell my side of the story because I figured it would just make me look a bit desperate and sad and possibly unstable (''cos the ex was saying some mad things and trying to counter-act them would have been very hard!)

As time has gone on, I have come to realise that just because people appeared to have taken his side, doesn''t mean that they necessarily believe everything he told them, doesn''t mean they don''t have their own opinion on the issue, doesn''t mean they have never told him what an idiot he is, doesn''t mean they haven''t picked up on the lies and the change of story every five minutes. For whatever reason, they have decided that his friendship is, however, more important to them than mine and that''s the end of it.

To put it in perspective - I was just pregnant with a baby that was conceived the same week my ex walked out on me. His story over the first nine months varied from me having had an affair for 7 years myself so he couldnt be sure if any of our children were actually his; that I had subjected him to years of domestic abuse and my final act upon finding out he was leaving me was to ''get him drunk, drag him upstairs, handcuff him to the bed and rape him to get pregnant so he wouldn''t leave me''. I was horrified the first time I heard that but as time went on, and I bumped into people here and there and I heard the story again and again, it became clear it was an act of desperation on his part in justifying his actions to his friends and family which, logically, would indicate a level of voiced anger, disbelief, upset on their part with his behaviour. And should anyone have believed that story then they never knew me and they are, frankly, people I don''t need in my life.

Hold your head high - get out there, smile, show people you''re not the person he is trying to paint you as. Be dignified, rise above it, and believe me, that more than anything else, will cause people to question just who''s telling the truth and who isn''t. You''re having a crap time of it right now so (((hugs))) and hold onto the knowledge that it will get better.

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