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Ex alleging hostile/intimidating behaviour

  • C. J.
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29 Aug 12 #352565 by C. J.
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Hi All,

My fiance has a Directions hearing next week and would like to seek a bit of advice to better prepare himself.

The ex has a history of complaining that my fiance is often intimidating and aggressive. This usually manifests itself when she either wants to try and find excuses to limit or stop contact or when he gives an opinion or basically just sticks up for himself.

My fiance has been very careful in how he tries to word things and despite the fact that he hates feeling like he''s constantly walking on egg shells with her he doesn''t seem to be able to communicate with her without repercusions.

Since the last hearing direct contact with the ex has been a nightmare. She continues to perceive my fiance''s responses to anything as hostile and often becomes unreceptive and shuts down when she can''t get things to work in her favour. He was told not to call or text her unless he basically agrees with everything she says.

Due to the fact that he still needed to dicsuss contact/dates with her he wrote 2 letters to her, however she then complained to work about him bascially indicating that he was verging on harrassing her. My fiance was advised to keep contact with her to a minimum and to have a witness present during colleciton/drop offs.

My fiance also came up with the idea to use a contact diary instead so at least a channel of communication was open between them. Even then the ex used to patronise him and tell him what he should be doing during his contact time - my fiance would try and respond fairly without turning it into a tit-for-tat exercise, however despite his best efforts the diary came back with the children when we collected them last week and the ex is now alleging that he is being hostile in the diary!

To be honest when we first read it we both burst out laughing in disbelief as there is clearly no way that my fiance can communicate with her without being accused of being volitile.

It is evident that this is the route she intends to go down at the hearing next week. We are assuming that she''s going to try and use it as an excuse to prolong and limit extending overnight stays again.

Surely the judge will see that she is trying to make this about her and him? Regardless of the ill-feeling that the ex feels about my fiance - how should this effect his relationship with the children?!

Is there anybody who has had a similar experience? My fiance feels confident because he knows he''s not done anything wrong - we have the diary and letters to prove that he''s not being hostile, regardless of how she perceives it.

We were just wondering if there is anybody that can offer advice before the hearing.

Thanks :)

  • MrsMathsisfun
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29 Aug 12 #352572 by MrsMathsisfun
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My partner has similar issues with his ex, any attempt by him to discuss the contact arrangements with his ex leads to comments of '''' you are trying to dictate everything'''' '''' you cant tell me what to do''''.

My partner has tried everything but feels he is constantly walking on egg shells. He is lucky in that she hasnt stopped contact just makes things difficult for him. Although he is sure she has started to make comments to the children about how he isnt putting them first etc.

He really doesnt know what to do or how to communicate with her. At the moment he just feels that she will be dictating his life for the next 10 years!!

  • disneybunny
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29 Aug 12 #352639 by disneybunny
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Can you not get someone else to do handovers or medate issues. Ten years is a long time in a war zone and tbh from the other side with similar accusations I can''t see things improving.

  • C. J.
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29 Aug 12 #352646 by C. J.
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My fiance is looking to increase the overnight stays from Fri-Mon so collections and drop off''s can take place at the school thus reducing further contact with her. It''s not ideal but what can you do if accusations are constantly being thrown about?

He would like to assist in the school runs anyway but at the same time finds it very sad that another adult can be so obstinate.

  • pixy
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29 Aug 12 #352649 by pixy
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What kind of thing does he write in the diary? It could be that he is best avoiding responding to anything she writes and keeping his entries entirely factual. If she writes ''X needs to go to a party/do homework/attend a class/get haircut'' then he doesn''t say ''I didn''t take x to do whatever because'' he simply ignores it and doesn''t enter into reasons why something did or did not happen.

  • C. J.
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29 Aug 12 #352651 by C. J.
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He did actually ignore certain comments as he didn''t want to get into any sort of tit-for-tat ''dispute'' with her but then she''d add a comment into the diary something like "Please can you inform me why you didn''t answer my question..." or "Please can you offer me an explaination why you didn''t do...xyz". They were so condescending.

He didn''t want to rise to anything that and he knows that he hasn''t got anything to worry about. She really is trying to interpret his wording as hostile when all it is is factual like you said.

  • Chained
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31 Aug 12 #353085 by Chained
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I had to laugh reading this and cannot help but wonder whether your partner and mine have the same ex! ;-)

Ours is exactly like you say: She will discuss anything when she thinks it will go her way and the moment it doesn''t she becomes angry and accuses him of anything and everything. When she doesn''t want to answer or does not have a reasonable answer to give sh would simply shut down, complain she has migraines or totally ignore him for weeks at a time. And if he wants to short urgent matters out and he keeps asking her she claims he is bullying her and harassing her.

Do not worry, the Judge will see that as did the Judge in my partner''s case, especially when the ex accused our Barrister for bullying her during the mediation process!

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