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Minor Issue with Ex2b over kids

  • Monitor441
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17 Jan 08 #11008 by Monitor441
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Compared to most of the posters on here, I am having probably as good as a divorce as could be expected after finding out about my wife's affair!

Here is a reminder of my situation

We were together 18 years and married for 13 and the last few were particularly cr*p with her being a bully and ultra critical of pretty much everything I did. I only stayed in the marriage for the kids (11 and 9) and although there were lots of rows, I felt kids were better brought up in an environment with two parents than a broken home. How wrong I was!

Since the split, I share care of the children with my ex2b on a 50/50 basis, one week on, one week off. I was very hands on with the child care and general household tasks when we were together so having them for a whole week as their sole carer is not a problem.

The kids are very settled as they have one life and two homes. They can walk to school from both houses, attend the same activities each week, which ever parent they are with. School reports are good for both of them and their friends parents report that they have seen no change in them in the 15 months since we split up.

All of my friends and most of our joint friends said that my ex2b having an affair was the best thing that could have happened to me as it has allowed me to get my life back. It was tough at the time of finding out and I lost over 20 lbs (great diet the "divorce diet") but life is much better than it has been for a number of years

My ex2be now has the bloke she had the affair with living in the FMH and has admitted cohabitation so now my spousal maintenance payments have finished! We are trying to negotiate a settlement without going to court and (fingers crossed) this should be done in the next few months

My minor issue is to do with phone calls between the children and the parent they are not with during that week. The NRP of the week phones tghe children 3 times during the week but my ex2b wants to change this to 2 as she says my phoning the children during the week they are with her "intrudes on her time". The children want to keep it at three calls per week but she is adamant that it should be 2. When I said I could phone eldest on his mobile when he was away from her house she said "you can't do that as it is still intruding in my week"!

I don't know what to do as I don't want to p*ss her off before we have settled the divorce but I am concerned that the children will be missing out on contact with me and her when they expressly said they want to speak to each of us three times a week.

Does anyone have any suggestions on what I could do?

And apologies to anyone who thinks I should not bother putting something as trivial as this on the boards

Thanks in advance for any help

Mon

  • sexysadie
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17 Jan 08 #11009 by sexysadie
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I am sure this doesn't feel trivial to you, so don't apologise.

Given the ages of your children the easiest thing might be to make sure that they have credit on their mobiles (I know the younger one is a bit young to have one but you might make an exception because of this) and say that they can phone you if they feel like it. She surely wouldn't stop them doing that?

As they get older this sort of thing will sort itself out because they will do more or less what they want anyway about phone calls etc.

Sadie

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17 Jan 08 #11012 by attilladahun
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Its a no brainer -she is wrong -put the children first - 3 calls should be allowed

I had something similar and arranged for the mediator to speak to the children -In that case the mediator pointed out to the spouse the children's wishes were unreasonable and that sorted it.

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18 Jan 08 #11099 by Monitor441
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Yes its a no brainer to everyone else - but ex2b.

I am probably going to have to give in on this one for the time being. She doesn't realise that the children are already questioning why she doesn't want to talk to them. There is no point in me saying anything to her as she doesn't listen.

The children and I will just have to get on with her unreasonableness.

Thanks for the replies

Mon

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18 Jan 08 #11108 by ariesgirl63
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Sounds like a selfish woman putting her needs above those of her children. I share the care of my children 50/50 with my ex and I am only too glad for them to speak to their father any time they wish. The same applies on the weeks when they are with their father. There are no constraints on their time and it serves to remind them that they are loved and valued by both parents.

I think that your children are probably old enough to decide for themselves, but if not they very soon will be, and as sexysadie says this thing will sort itself out soon enough. In the meantime, I wouldn't make too many waves and just bide your time. Save your energy for any bigger battles that may lie ahead.

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18 Jan 08 #11109 by Monitor441
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AriesGirl

Thanks for the reply. It sounds like you and your ex put the children first which is something I wish my ex2b would do. But as you and Sadie say, it will work itself out as the children get older.

How are you getting on with 50/50 shared care, how old are your children and how long have you been sharing the care?

Mon

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19 Jan 08 #11144 by ariesgirl63
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Hi Monitor,

I have 3 boys aged 19, 15 and 9. The youngest one has autism. I separated from my husband 2 years ago (so biys were 17/13 and 7 then) and as soon as I had settled into another property we agreed to share care 50/50.

Because all were in school I deliberatley stayed close, even choosing a house on a main bus route so that the oldest 2 could still get to school easily. The boys have adapted very well. They have 2 homes but carry on the same life as they did before. Same schools, same clubs etc and friends come round to stay occasionally. Even the youngest one's school have commented to me on how little disruption our separation has had on him. And I truely believe that, because they don't see their mom and dad regularly screaming at each other it is a better home environment, whichever home they happen to be in.

We literally share their care on a week on/week off basis so that everyone knows where they will be at a given time in the year. I draw up a rota at the beginning of the year so that we can plan holidays and outings together etc. Even having time off work to cover school holidays works out fairly evenly this way.

The only drawback in the early days was the uneasiness at handover time and I used to get very upset when saying goodbye to my boys for the week.But we stay in touch regularly by phone and the week soon passes by when they are with me again. To be honest, the oldest one comes and goes between both houses as he pleases now depending on which one seems the most interesting at any particular time (and at which one he is most likely to get fed at the ungoldly hours he turns up!).

Your boys will soon get to a point where they will do as they please despite any constraints placed on them by their mother. She would be wise not to force what is clearly her selfish wish upon them as these things tend to backfire and they may end up resenting her for it in years to come. But hey, that's her problem not yours. As long as your boys know you love them, go with the current flow and concentrate your energies on the time you are together.

Good Luck

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