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Not wanting to see mum

  • ilapak
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19 Jan 08 #11191 by ilapak
Topic started by ilapak
Divorcing wife with alchohol prob for 7 years. 2 girls 11 and 12 who refuse to even talk to mum let alone see her. Do i push them to contact her or just respect their wishes and see where things go long term.

  • sexysadie
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20 Jan 08 #11197 by sexysadie
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You could try gentle encouragement but at this age they are beginning to know their own minds and you can't really make them if they don't want to. Living with an alcoholic must be quite scary for children and they may just want to put it out of their minds.

It might be worth trying to explore with them exactly why they don't want to see her and see if you can get round it (for example, if they don't feel safe, you could suggest a contact centre if you think your ex might accept this rather than not see them at all).

You could also look into groups for children of alcoholics to help them come to terms with things, if you've not done so already.

Sadie

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20 Jan 08 #11200 by TMax
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Hi ilapak youve probably looked ffor info but here is a sight that may help if youve not seen it www.connexions-direct.com/index.cfm?pid=...talogueContentID=420

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20 Jan 08 #11201 by Fiona
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Children might feel insecure when one parent has left and want to cling to their main carer as security, or they can feel responsible for the well being of the main carer and temporarily reject the other parent. Even with intact families children align with one parent and reject the other from time to time and their preference often changes. Your children need 'permission' from you to see their Mum.

With you wife's problems it will be difficult, but generally children readjust more quickly if they maintain a relationship with both parents. Pushing your daughters I think will be counter-productive and cause resentment. They are at a development stage when they can make rigid moral judgments and maintain a stance of anger. Encouragement would be more productive.

If the problem persists ask your GP about counselling or family therapy. See;

www.aft.org.uk/home/familytherapy.asp

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20 Jan 08 #11208 by megan
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It might help them to speak to someone outside the family so they can talk it through. Try a child psychologist, your GP or School nurse could refer them. However they may be comfortable with their dec. at the moment. Perhaps they could write a letter or draw a picture to thier mum. At least she would know it is them not you who are expressing their feelings.

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20 Jan 08 #11212 by loobyloo
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ilapak, sorry for the situation you in its hard for you.
But your wife, girls mum, obviously needs help, does she realise that the girls feel this way, have you tried to seek help for you as a unit, ultimately the girls come first, they are at a funny age where impressons truly impress. It cant be nice for them to see there mum with alcohol fuelled behaviour and yes are prob safer away until she recieves help...and that is up to her
You will get lots of support and i personally wish you and your girls well, and hope your wife sorts herself out
looby

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20 Jan 08 #11213 by ilapak
Reply from ilapak
Thanks all for your responses. In general you have confirmed my thoughts and i need to do some work for the girls benefit so that long term they may re establish their connections with mum.

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