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parental responsibility... advice please

  • Mrs Ingledew
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06 Feb 08 #13017 by Mrs Ingledew
Topic started by Mrs Ingledew
For various reasons known only to himself my stbx ahs decided that I am not to contact him at all. (Fine by me)
BUT
we have 2 children. I am looking to move location which includes moving my daughters school. Can I legally just move her without informing him - or do I need to do this in writing.

He has signed the child statement which was alterante weekend, every Thursday etc ... but obviously has no intention of doing this. Can I just do the same and ignore it - and hterfore force him to go to court to see his children in the future.

What about access if he turns up at home to see the children at any point - can I deny it...

I feel that even though he has moved on he is still trying to control my life.

I am aware that my son has his phone number - with the warning - do not give this number to your mother. Rather a lot of pressure to put on a 14 year old! I do of course have his partners number.

Confused and fed up of waiting for him to get his act together...

  • Josh2008
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06 Feb 08 #13018 by Josh2008
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I would put everything in writing from now on, just to cover yourself.

You cannot force him to see the kids, that is up to him, fool if he doesn't

You have every right to refuse access on the spur of the moment, he has to give you some notice.

When deciding to move just notify him in writing, he can't control where you live.

  • mummybear38
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06 Feb 08 #13019 by mummybear38
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Sadly your blog rings too many bells with me. My ex-husband repeatedly threw the never want to see or talk to you ever again line at me despite the fact we have 3 children ages 11, 9 and 8. At times I was totally crushed, anxiety and panic set in as I couldn't imagine how I would cope without being able to communicate with my ex as he is so forgetful/laid back and lazy that I knew the children would suffer/miss out of events.

However now we are finally going through mediation I realise now that this line was always used in a cruel spiteful way in an attempt by him to hurt me anyway he could. Since I drew a line under his repeated threats and constant see you in Court attitude and actually went ahead and issued proceedings against him for residency of the children his attitude and approach has changed and he now realises that it is totally unacceptable for him to treat the mother of his children so badly regardless of whether we are in a relationship or not.

For the past two weeks I have been treated with alot more respect and the atmosphere between us as parents has been a lot better not only for me but for our children too who I believe have suffered enough this past year and my fingers are tightly crossed that long may it last.

I don't want to upset the guys on here as its clear from this site that women are equally cruel to men and vice versa but divorce and/or separation with children involved must me one of the most terrible experiences any family could go through and there are bound to be high emotions, deep founded fears, sadness and anger and much of what is said in the heat of the moment is hardly ever meant completely.

I urge you to get your ex to mediate with you about this and when he hears from a third party that it is totally ridiculous to make these "never want to see you again" statements when children are involved and that the best way forward is to have an agreement that means mum, dad and children are ALL happy and that this can be achieved given a little time, a little effort, a little thought rather than loads of anger, rage and bad mouthing.

Keep your chin up and seek out mediation either through your solicitor if you have one or maybe through your family doctor.

Take care, Jeannie

  • Mrs Ingledew
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06 Feb 08 #13020 by Mrs Ingledew
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I think we are past the mediation stage. The decee nisi was issued with him slandering and libeling me in court. He is going bankrupt so as to take 1/2 of nothing! He has stated to mutual acquaintances he will never pay CSA and won't get a job as iti goes against him.

I have offered mediation, I have used the courts and I am at fault!

He had an affair - and I would have tried again after it. He chose to get up one night walk out and never give a backwards glance to his kids.

And for some reason I cannot fathom it is all my fault...

  • mummybear38
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06 Feb 08 #13022 by mummybear38
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Your ex sounds as spineless as mine and I sense you are quite sad at the moment. When I finally accepted - only very recently I add - that my ex was not the knight in shining armour I thought he was for the best part of 18 years and when I accepted that no matter how reasonable I was I could not and would not ever be able to alter his arrogant, selfish attitude towards me and the children I suddenly and almost silently one day found myself empowered to look at myself in the mirror and accept that whilst I couldn't do anything about him I could do a lot for myself and my children and new me is emerging slowly and nervously. All I can say is be there for your children and do not be ashamed to take care of yourself too as you are equally important as him, the children and anyone else for that matter. Unfortunately I cannot offer the professional help you need in respect of CSA and bankruptcy but trust that if anyone here as information to help you they will offer it. I know I have taken on board alot of what people have said on this site and at times it has saved me from God only knows what.

Be kind to yourself and your children and I hope you get the answers you need quickly to the professional matters.

  • Mrs Ingledew
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06 Feb 08 #13032 by Mrs Ingledew
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Not worried about me - just want to stay legal and honourable. Not particularly sad either one of those no doubts just some regrets situations.

I am fortunate and have moved on, so to speak, just feel really frustrated that I can't get rid of my ex.

He is spineless and a coward and I must say I don't even recognise him in this behaviour. But like you I was with him a long time (24 years, 18 married) and whilst I don't want anyhting to do with him I am concious he is my childrens father and as such I need to leave the door open for him to see them.

  • Fiona
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07 Feb 08 #13151 by Fiona
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I think mummybear makes sense. People who separate do and say daft things and very often anger is a secondary emotion to more primary feelings of hurt. It's never too late for mediation, we had a clause in our settlement that should we ever have a dispute about the children we would in the first instant try mediation and went along 4 years after we separated. In fact in your circumstances I would think about approaching a mediator and ask them to invite your x2b to a meeting to discuss your move and schooling.

It's best if you can keep your feelings, the reason he left, CM etc detached from the issue of contact. I know it's hard, but court is best avoided because it often leaves one person resentful and resistant. If your x2b turns up at your house why not treat like one of your son's mates turning up unexpectedly? You can't make your husband behave reasonably but you can minimise the pressure your son is under and flexibility is often the key, particularly when teenagers are involved.

I was reading this earlier about flexibility and contact which you may find interesting;-

bloodyrelations.blogspot.com/2008/02/fle...s-principle-too.html

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