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  • sammcg
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07 Aug 07 #1808 by sammcg
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I don't really know where to start and could be here and bore you all to tears.

to cut a long story short, i left the marital home with the children after years of mental abuse, i was staying with my friend in a one bedroomed flat and i agreed for teh children to go back while I got myself sorted.

This didn't happen , I entered into a relationship and got beaten up by my inlaws.

I have a solictor, but she says it doesn't look good as I left the marital home, my divorce is logged, does any one knwo how long this takes, its been 7 months, and all i have the children for are six hours on a sunday and an overnight on a wed, from school to school.

I feel as if I am being punished for having someone to love. the kids are 8 and 10 and want 50/50 split.

how long does this go on for. I am still paying half the mortgage, work part time, been taken to csa, he isn't working now, so he wants money off me, i have been followed, moved out of the town, and living 7 miles away, again this isn't in my favour.

  • Gogg
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07 Aug 07 #1809 by Gogg
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Hi

Look to start with don't be too hard with yourself, you have had an awful lot to deal with, and you will be able to do this with support and good advice.

You mention being beaten up by your in-laws - were the police involved? I am sure that if you reported it it would help as it would give you evidence of the pressures you are under. Also remember finding a new love is not a punishable crime in UK, I would urge you to take things slowly as sometimes when we are under most pressure a realtionship can seem the answer but can cause more problems in the long run. So take things steadily for both of your sakes, and also for your children.

Your husband may be very angry with you at the moment, and he may well be trying to hurt you financially and emotionally, he has obviously done this to you throughout the marriage and he is not going to change now, so be strong, be there for your children and go through the slow legal steps to resolve things, making sure that you look after yourself and your emotions throughout.

I hope it will get easier in the longer term, but you will have ups and downs, and it helps if your prepare yourself for this.

Be proud of your acheivements so far, there are many people who haven't managed to be as brave as you, give yourself a pat on the back and carry on doing what is right

Kind regards

Gogg

  • Sera
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07 Aug 07 #1811 by Sera
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If the divorce is already logged, then what reason was given? assuming you have filed?

From your solicitors point of view, it could be seen that you 'abandoned' the family home. If though there was violence, or violence from in-laws then that justifies you left for your own safety. If that's the case, I doubt it makes any difference to ancillary relief proceedings.

We all feel emotionally punished, but don't feel punished for moving on. You were in a loveless marriage, where you were violated, and you deserve happiness now.

How long 'it' takes, depends what you need to fight for.

Ancillary relief can drag on. Best if your ex accepts to join you in mediation. There's no magic wand out of this!

(wish there was.............)

  • Tinny
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07 Aug 07 #1813 by Tinny
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Hi
My circumstances are similar to yours but from the start my solicitor said that I left the kids at the FMH because at that time it was in their best interests. She knew this without being told. I did however move to a house that though smaller than the FMH had enough space for a room each for the kids (not essential). Your solicitor seems to be painting a very bleak picture.

How is your relationship with your kids. If you can build up your contact. Stop feeling guilty. I took a back seat for a year and my STBEx minimised my contact and my role in the kids lives BUT I was at fault for allowing him to do that. You are their mother and that is important, you dont need permission to be their mother. I think I forgot that and Im now only catching up (long story).

Only you know how bad your marriage was. Mine was but it took a long time for me to realise that it was not normal.

Keep posting here and perhaps you will get what you need.

Take care.

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07 Aug 07 #1814 by Fiona
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  • sammcg
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07 Aug 07 #1819 by sammcg
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Thanks for your kind words, I think he is just tryingto hurt me in the most awful way, i've filled for divorce through mental cruelty.

I didn't see the kids for nearly 2 months, as he wouldn't allow it, so any access has to be done via the court. He won't be reasonable at all.

The kids have finally just began to trust me again, as he totally slatted me, saying your mother doesn't love you, she ran off etc. I never had said a bad word against him, and thankfully the kids have realised that they can now trust me.

I now have a three bedroomed flat so plenty of room, I asked for weekend contact, but was told because i have someone new in my life, I have to let them adjust, the kids have told me they are fine with my new partner.

My son last week, said why couldn't he stay for longer, I said it is because his father won't allow him, but I only want what is best for them.

The nightmare continues, i am in court on Monday for a roll 18 rule. haven't a clue what is it.!

The kids are either lucky or unluckey depending on how you look as it, they know their dad was horrid to me and they know there aunty beat me up and I am pressing charges against her. This happened 23rd December and she hasnt' appeared yet.

  • Tinny
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08 Aug 07 #1832 by Tinny
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Hi again
Can I ask, who said the kids cant have weekend contact with you? I know it is best to let children adjust to a new partner but it has been 7 months now and if they say they are happy whats the problem? Is your Ex dictating that he wont allow it?

My kids werent allowed to my house for over a year. Ex told me to give them time. My gut feeling is they should have been introduced gradually but that now over a year later it will be harder to do. My youngest stays overnight now and my new partner stays away, my eldest refuses to even visit my house. My youngest is happy and content when he is with me despite Ex telling me how agitated he is and how unsettled at night. My next hurdle is introducing new partner and it terrifies me but I feel that it needs to be done soon as I think the "fear" of the unknown preys on youngest mind and that it needs to be confronted... gently.

It is very easy for others to advise but I know how hard it is to do the right thing. Please take some control and dont let him call all the shots. I allowed myself to be sidelined, I accepted that Ex was doing the right thing but who was to say if he was right. You are the kids mother, be a mother to them.

I hope it works out.

What is roll 18 rule?

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