Should I let him have staying contact?

I am divorcing my husband for many reasons but one of the main reasons is that I believe he has a drink problem - which he doesn't admit. He is now living with a colleague from work (just a house share) but I don't think it is appropriate for my 2 eldest children (he says not suitable for youngest 3) of 10 & 9 (boy & girl) to stay over; more so because of his drink problem but also because there is someone else in the house that myself & the children don't know (although me knowing them or not doesn't make a difference; I don't think!) Would be grateful of any comments re this posting! Thanks.

Why does he think it is appropriate for the elder two but not for the younger ones?

Sadie

What do you perceive to be a drink problem? I take it he is still in a fit state to work, does he drink every night? Does he get violent when he drinks? Did you trust him to care for your children before he moved out? Has he ever seen a doctor about his problem? Is he banned from driving?

As regards his work colleauge, can't see what the problem is here, i'm sure you will introduce your children to new people,wether its a new man in your life or freinds. Do you not feel he has a right to decide who his children meets?

I think Jay is right about your husband's work colleague. I know it is hard, but one of the things about divorce is that if the children are to stay fully part of both parents' lives then they will get to know people that one parent has never met. I'm afraid that you will just have to get used to this. It will get easier in the end - and, as Jay says, it will work both ways. The children spend most of their time with you and will end up getting to know new friends that your husband doesn't know.

I think children of this age will be fine staying in a house where there is someone they have never met. They might even find it exciting.

Sadie

Thanx for your comments so far! As far as what do you class as a drink problem; well - drinking on average over 60 units of alcohol a week. No he still has his driving licence (which is good because his job relies on it), I wouldn't say he gets "drunk"that often because his body is so used to it. He has been hospitalised because of excess alcohol and nearly got arrested for fighting with some youths whilst under the influence. More recently he has been left in sole charge of the 5 children the youngest who is not yet 1 year old and drank so that he went to bed & left the door unlocked & when I came in he didn't realise. He was still wearing his glasses & had his newspaper all over him whilst snoring from the influence of alcohol. He very rarely cares for the children without me partly due to my fear of leaving them but also because he likes to control me. Being truthful I think I have been out on my own less than 20 times in over 10 years of marriage and then it has only been for a few hours. He has a compulsive personality which makes them good liars and they hide their gambling, drinking, debts etc. very well! I personally think I have cause for concern but if you don't then please comment!

If I knew then,

My stbx is an alcoholic and attends meetings and counselling through MIND.

I am the PWC of our son, her our daughter.

I obviously have concerns for both children when they are with her although not the same as you as our kids are much older than yours, however, I regard contact in the following way:

She was their mother and carer when we were a family and this was also whilst being an alcoholic, so therefore I still encourage contact for my son with her, she is still full time carer for our daughter. She is no different now to how she was then as far as the alcohol is concerned, and me and the kids are probably just accepting of things that way now.

I also add that she does only have very limited contact with our son through her own choice, possibly due to alcohol but I believe there are other reasons which I wont bore you with on this post.

I have chosen not to bring this up in any of our court cases (although my sol is aware of it from previous instigated divorce proceedings in 2001).
It has however been raised in her medical report which she obtained for court as proof that she cannot work more than 15 hours due to depression over the divorce.

I do not think the alcoholism will have any bearing on the financial settlement or in fact the judge's opinion of her because it will be seen as an illness/addiction.

With 5 kids to look after, that must be tough at the best of times let alone if you are battling to be sober? Is he really an alcoholic or just someone who likes a drink? Only you and him know the answer to that, but I wouldnt be so hasty to stop all child contact with him at the moment. Why not let him try it and see how he gets on, possibly with the older ones?

I wish you luck, and believe me if he is an alcoholic, I know where you're coming from.

How will it affect the children psychologically?