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31 Aug 07 #2687 by tiesys
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Hi,

Thought and comments would be appreciated. I have been married for 16 years - the first 13 years were fantastic and the last three were like hell on earth. My wife finally left in December 2006 taking my daughters (8 and 9), with her and leaving my (now) 14 year old son behind.
She blamed me for the breakup.

Every single day since December I have rung my girls three times a day; I take my son to school and phone them from the car (my wife never asks to speak to her son) to tell them to "have a good day at school". I phone them at 5.00 to see how the day has been and I phone them before bed to say "night" to them.

My wife rarely rings my son.

My wife's mother lives opposite me and when the girls come down (regularly), the pop over to see me but I get no real quality time.

The girls also come down to stay overnight, but again they come down after tea and need to go back early morning so not much quality time.

My son has stayed at his mothers once (mabey twice) since december.

recently I found out the real reason she left, she is seeing a bloke that she works with and it looks like she has has had a relationship with him for months, if not years and the reason she is keeping her distance from her son is because of the fact that my son is really annoyed at being treated differently to the girls and he now sees the real reason for the breakup.

My wife is now trying to stop me from ringing the girls saying that I am always asking them about her and her boyfriend (some truth to be fair, I know it's wrong but I am only human and want to know the truth).

She is also wanting me to have all three children every weekend (I am after all a very trustworthy and cheap babysitter), and wants me to "force" my son to go see her.

Anyone any ideas on how access is dermined - I thought it was all supposed to be around the needs of the child (my son feels he has no need to speak to his mother). The girls would feel something was "odd" if they didn't speak to me every day.

Comments would be appreciated.

Thanks

Mike

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31 Aug 07 #2690 by jay160602
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Hi Mike, from your post its obvious that you want to see more of your girls. Perhaps you should offer to have them 1 weekend a month, or every other weekend.
Your wife probably wants you to have them weekends so she can spend time with her new jockey, maybe its a sign of a few early problems between her & her new guy. I do think you should keep a bit of weekend time to yourself though, so don't become a slave to your ex & her fancy man.

As regards your son, perhaps try to convince him to stay over 1 weekend a month with his mom when his sisters are there & see how it goes.

You are probably quite right about your wifes involvement with this man from work, chances are it was the reason for your initial split. Your circumstances follow a regular pattern.

Your wife does have a right to see your son, by the sound of things he could cause a bit of trouble between your wife & the new bloke, but thats no fault of yours.

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31 Aug 07 #2695 by tiesys
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Hi thanks for the support.

As far as I am concerned, the girls should come down for tea at least once a week - should be easy to arrange.

They also could have alternate night at mine (I mean one of them coming down Friday night straight from school, and the other the following week) - again easy to agree and then I can have some quality "one on one" time with them.

Trouble is my wife would "prefer" to send both girls at the same time and then "force" my son to go see her. He doesn't want to (she knows this), and as a result I would end up with them all fighting like cats and dogs whilst she has a cosy night snuggled up on something new.

Not a chance.

I am not sure about your comment about her right to see him (she gave that up when she left him). He does have a right to see her - he doesn't want to so serves her right.

I hope in the years to come she can't cope with the truth that she behaved deplorably and left behind her only son.

I truly hope it cripples her for the rest of her (hopefully short) life.

God, now that is bitter!!!

Do I hit sned or DEL...

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31 Aug 07 #2697 by sexysadie
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Dear Mike,

I know it's difficult but it's important to separate your feelings about the breakup with your wife and the reasons behind it from the issue of preserving a relationship between her and your son. It's important for children to have an ongoing relationship with both parents, and thinking of your wife leaving in terms of 'abandoning' your son doesn't really help you to support this.

Although it is nice to have some one-to-one time with your children, it is probably better to make this the exception rather than the rule. Seeing your parent along with your siblings is more like family life, and having them all together allows it to feel like that to them when they are with you. In any case, if your son doesn't go to his mother's when you have the girls, any one-to-one time with them will be at the expense of excluding him. I know you see him every day, but he will still feel left out if you concentrate on the others when they are with you.

It's not clear to me why you are seeing your daughters for such short periods. Whole alternate weekends are not uncommon for parents of children of this age, so why not go for this? Then you would get proper time with them.

The girls probably don't like you asking them about their mum's boyfriend. I know it is only human, but try and stop as it will upset them and make things harder for you.

Of course you can't force a fourteen year old to see his mother, but you should encourage it if you can. She probably won't see it that way, but you will have more chance of doing this if you give up trying to make him go overnight. Teenagers like to sleep in their own beds (or on the floor at friends' houses) and in my experience have stopped sleeping over at absent parents' houses by this stage even if they did when they were younger. Trying to establish it now is probably not worth the effort, but an evening together every week or so would be reasonable.

Good luck!

Sadie

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31 Aug 07 #2702 by tiesys
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Hi Sadie

I think either I haven't put message across particularly well or you may have misunderstood me.

The fact is that every day (many times a day actually), I ask my son "have you spoken to your mum" - double question from my point:-

1) Has she talked to him
2) Has he talked to her

I then ALWAYS emphasise that, no matter what I say or do or how I behave (believe me I do get deppressed and cry in front of him), that she is his mother and he SHOULD be bigger than me and try and rise above it all and at least attemp to maintain contact - he can always say "I tried".

He is 14 and for a 14 year old lad (going on 10), he is amazing. he has tried, and better tried and to be honest, he is no quitter.

The fact is that he has been left here with me (despite me pleading and crying and begging her not to split my children up).

He is totally bogged off with her; she promised him two weeks ago to take him to the seaside; last night she said he couldn't come because he is an "arse" - perfectly true but he is a 14 year old brought up on Sky 1 - what do you expect??

I know that on this site the polarity between males and females is incredible - the fact is that each case and the circumstances of each case are completly different to anything else.

All I can talk about is my circumstances.

I am sure my Ex would paint a compltly different perspective (if she knew what it meant or how to spell it correctly).

anyway - thanks for your input I really do need to see all sides of this.

I am sure that out there somewhere my wife is telling a different tale.

Mike

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31 Aug 07 #2703 by tiesys
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Hi Sadie

I think either I haven't put message across particularly well or you may have misunderstood me.

The fact is that every day (many times a day actually), I ask my son "have you spoken to your mum" - double question from my point:-

1) Has she talked to him
2) Has he talked to her

I then ALWAYS emphasise that, no matter what I say or do or how I behave (believe me I do get deppressed and cry in front of him), that she is his mother and he SHOULD be bigger than me and try and rise above it all and at least attemp to maintain contact - he can always say "I tried".

He is 14 and for a 14 year old lad (going on 10), he is amazing. he has tried, and better tried and to be honest, he is no quitter.

The fact is that he has been left here with me (despite me pleading and crying and begging her not to split my children up).

He is totally bogged off with her; she promised him two weeks ago to take him to the seaside; last night she said he couldn't come because he is an "arse" - perfectly true but he is a 14 year old brought up on Sky 1 - what do you expect??

I know that on this site the polarity between males and females is incredible - the fact is that each case and the circumstances of each case are completly different to anything else.

All I can talk about is my circumstances.

I am sure my Ex would paint a compltly different perspective (if she knew what it meant or how to spell it correctly).

anyway - thanks for your input I really do need to see all sides of this.

I am sure that out there somewhere my wife is telling a different tale.

Mike

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31 Aug 07 #2706 by sexysadie
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Sorry, Mike - I was intending to be supportive but obviously didn't come over that way.

Your son must be incredibly confused and upset by your wife's behaviour. It's hardly surprising that he is not willing to see her much of the time. He may also, though, feel that he should resist her out of loyalty to you, which makes things even more complicated.

Part of what I was trying to say is that you should be able to see your daughters much more than you are. It's isn't a swapsies matter: you should see them more (assuming you want to) whatever your son is doing. He is quite a lot older than they are and presumably has the usual busy teenage life so will be less available even if things weren't so difficult between him and his mother.

Good luck!

Sadie

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