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Why won't ex Realise what he is doing

  • nathaliealfie
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10 Sep 07 #3142 by nathaliealfie
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Been split from my ex nearly a year now, his choice, i know i mucked up with stuff but he seems to just give up. We have a 2and Half year old and 8month old, He has put in for divorce and contact, he wants every weekend and some weeks because of work to miss so no routine, he was always hands on and now our son is dealing with this in his own way, had to take him to doctors today, he is not eating, gradually got worse over year and now not eaten since 10 days ago, his weight has gone down to 2st my doctor is very concerned and told me to stop contact until little one is settled, he won't like that, my solicitor is going to write to his to tell him this. Why can't ex realise and stop listening to others who say son is not effected when it is quite obvious that he is, what will it take for him to realise?? The bit i find hard is i love this man to bits in all he is doing to me and our son and daughter.

any advice would be gradfully received.

  • Tinny
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11 Sep 07 #3198 by Tinny
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Hi nathaliealfie
Sorry you are going through this.

I'm a bit confused, you have been split up for nearly a year now and your son has not eaten for 10 days. Has something else happened in the past few weeks that may have stopped his eating? Why now after a year? Is it the baby or your 2 1/2 year old?

Do your kids currently have contact with your Ex, by this I mean reasonabale contact not just a few hours here and there. Maybe they miss him and want to see him more.

I could be completly off with my questions, but maybe if you give a bit more info you will get more response. I noticed that nobody had replied yet and thought your post looked a bit lonely.:unsure:

Take care, Tinny

  • nathaliealfie
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11 Sep 07 #3209 by nathaliealfie
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sorry, My 2and half year old is the one not eating, the last 10 days are the worst he has been, but he has been on and off like this since me and his dad split, is contact with his father is on mixed no real routine, he is the same when he is with his dad too. people keep saying it is a faze he is going thru, but to have been going on for a year now,
He does miss his dad, always talking about him and wanting him, but his dad doesn't seem to care or bother

  • jasmine
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11 Sep 07 #3213 by jasmine
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Both my children went through a similar thing about eating when they were a similar age. At the time my marriage was ok. So it is proberbly a phase the children are going through. Have you spoken to your health visitor for support ? The advice I was given at the time was offer a set meal at set times. Leave it on the table for no more than half an hour and take it away if not eaten. Do not make a big issue of it. Very difficult I know when you are emotionally vunerable. In between meals offer fruit only for snacks and no sweets or crisps. A child will not starve themselves unless ill, you have taken the child to the doctor and I presume they are checking any medical possiblities. I found when they did not want to eat I gave them milk, so they would get something but it filled them up and they did not want to eat too much after that. Another thing I used to do was take them to the park to feed the ducks with freash bread, whilst they were feeding the ducks they used to eat the bread and then I would offer them a picnic, the freash air and exercise seemed to increase their appetite. As for contact with their dad. Try and get him to see them for a set day each week because at this age a regular contact will give them security. Unfortunately when the children see their dads they run into their arms with beaming smiles. The dads see this as they are okay. It is only us mums or the resident parent, that see the lack of eating, and unsettled behaviour leading up to a visit and after a visit,and the distress caused by cancelled visists. You are the childrens rock in this storm and they will crash against you, you need to stay strong for them.

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12 Sep 07 #3227 by IKNOWNOW
Reply from IKNOWNOW

I'm with Jasmine on this one. My little girl will be 3 in December & she is a troubled eater. Hard when older children all eat like horses. She had problems before he left (but whether that was due to the tension in the house I don't know). Have recently been referred to a Feeding Clinic and they are really good. A lot of advise the same as Jasmine. Try getting them to help prepare meals, my little girl will eat a raw carrot whilst I am preparing the veg but won't eat it at teatime. Try messy food play where they can have a relationship with food without the pressure to eat it(start with dry food like uncooked pasta then things like oats and sugar and flour then thinks like custard or yoghurt).

I do think you need to push for regular contact my daughter is all for her routine. Visit your health visitor for support and ask if you have a local Feeding Clinic or a referral to a dietician (who may then be able to refer you on to a child therapist) do what you need to get your children through this. Just remember you need to be firm and not give them alternatives and ignore the not eating otherwise you are rewarding a behaviour you don't want.

? Do you eat with your children at meal times? Maybe you could try reward charts. I have stamper pens that after she eats a mouthful she gets to stamp the paper- sometimes after a few stamps she forgets and eats several mouthfuls before wanting a stamp. It has got to be worth a try.

If you are interested I have several leaflets that may be of use which I was given from the feeding clinic. Private message me if you are interested.

Hope my waffle has helped.

As for your ex - well - they have different priorities!

Take care - have a try and try not to get stressed about it as it may make the situation worse, make meal times fun.


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