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Step children. How should we deal with this issue

  • MrsMathsisfun
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23 Mar 12 #319733 by MrsMathsisfun
Topic started by MrsMathsisfun
When my partner collected his children last evening for contact. His ex told him that the youngest had been extremely naughty that morning and the ex has told the child, her punishment was no telly for a week.

The issue we have is that whilst my partner wants to support his ex with the children. As we actually have the children for the next 3 night. Its actually my partner doing the punishing not the mum.

We will follow through this time but personally I think its wrong for us to punish the child as she wasnt ''naughty'' with us. Am I wrong?

How should separated parents deal with ''punishment'' for crimes committed outside their contact time!

Advise please

  • sillywoman
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23 Mar 12 #319735 by sillywoman
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A difficult one,but you have respected mums wishes and shown the child that you do respect mum and that can only be a good thing because at least the child knows that you are supporting each other and I actually think this action you have taken will make the child more secure in a strange way!

But remember, mum has got to respect any punishments you need to dole out in the future.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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23 Mar 12 #319740 by MrsMathsisfun
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The issue we have is that we will respect the mums wishes and follow through, but think that come monday mum will have forgotten the punishment and the child will just think that dads punished her not mum. result child will continue misbehaving for mum and my partner will seem the bad guy.

My partner and I dont actually agree that the punishment is appropriate and dont think there will ever be a time when mum will have to follow through a ''punishment'' from my partner.

Should my partner talk to his ex and say that he has followed through this time but in future mum needs to deal with the problem and not pass on the issue to us.

  • mumtoboys
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23 Mar 12 #319743 by mumtoboys
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jaymdee wrote:

Should my partner talk to his ex and say that he has followed through this time but in future mum needs to deal with the problem and not pass on the issue to us.


No. They are parents and therefore in it together. It shouldn''t be a ''them and us'' situation which is what you seem to be suggesting (not fully aware of your history - I suspect mum is a bit of a nightmare usually?). There will more than likely come a time when the parents need to be seen by the child to be acting together or when mum needs to ask for help with a disciplinary issue. By going with it now you have created a bit of a moral highground situation, regardless of how you think she''ll behave in the future, and mum knows she can rely on you to be supportive. Personally, I think that''s important. I know full well that my ex is not going to support me through any major issues with the children and that if I ask for help, he will simply say black to my white. It''s not a good feeling.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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23 Mar 12 #319746 by MrsMathsisfun
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I agree that both parents need to show a united front and my partner would never undermined his ex. Whenever the child has been naughty for mum, he has shown support and repeated to the child that the behaviour has to stop and that he is cross.

The issue he has is that at present the child is misbehaving for mum but its dad who has to do the punishment. Mum just wont follow through.

Surely its acceptable for dad to say that if mum wishes to withdrawal telly for a week that the punishment should be during her time not his and that he will tell the child he agree with mums decision and that the bad behaviour must stop and he will be checking with mum.

We just dont have any issues with the child, if she is naughty with us she is told off. The behaviour stops and there is no need for a long punishment.

  • Lostboy67
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23 Mar 12 #319747 by Lostboy67
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Hi
It all depends on what the nature of the misbehaviour was. Really the mother should have discussed the punishment before applying it. Its all very well making this rule, and I do understand the need for a united front regarding parenting, but there is also the other argument. Its his house so it should be his rules, why should the mother dictate how their daughter should spend her time when at his house.

LB

  • Bobbinalong
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23 Mar 12 #319749 by Bobbinalong
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I agree with lost boy, smack a bit of control and ''I will tell you what you do in your house too''
I agree with the united parenst thing, but mum should have said no telly until... night kids go to dads. Dad knows nothing of this misbehjaviour until pick up and thats not fair.
My ex expected me to discipline my boy when he has done something wrong at school, sometime over the past weeka nd a half or two weeks, no, I aint nad dad. Misbehaviour needs dealing with there and then, by school or parent, not lingering on day after day.
When going to mum or dads, it should be clean slate.
I wouldnt ask my ex to continue a discipline going on from my house, fact is she has a different way and standard to me now, so wouldnt work anyhow.

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