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Fair or Not Fair?

  • Enuff Already
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21 May 12 #332062 by Enuff Already
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Can anyone help please?

I have been divorced for a while, I pay my maintenance every month without fail I have not reduced my payments even though my salary has dropped. My ex keeps asking me to contribute for ‘extras’, which if I had the money it wouldn’t be a huge problem. She doesn’t believe I have had a drop in wages and has accused me of lying. I have told her to ask for a reassessment with the CSA to confirm it if she wants (which would result in a reduction) but she wants me to provide her with my wages slips and since we are divorced that isn’t going to happen. I have proposed that I pay a share for the extras in proportion to the amount of time I have them, i.e. I have them a quarter of the time so I would contribute a quarter of the cost. Bearing in mind there are multiple kids this isn’t a one off and its always going to be this kid needs that, that kids needs this, all the kids needs those etc. I am all for supporting my kids, I pay my maintenance and I am offering a share… Am I really being an arse about this or would this be seen to be fair?

  • MrsMathsisfun
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21 May 12 #332073 by MrsMathsisfun
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If you cant afford the extras then dont pay, if she went to the CSA she would be told they would work out the amount payable according to the formula and then she would be told thats it and any extras is up to you to decide.

Do you get a reduction in CM for nights the children stay with you? Could you afford to not take some of the reduction and tell her that for the extras end of.

My partners ex tried this and in the end my partner told her he would pay half of any school trips over £10. One pair of school shoes, a school coat and a school bag per child per year. Once she knew he wasnt going to budge she stopped asking.

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21 May 12 #332077 by Enuff Already
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I am happy to pay the amount of maintenance I pay, (I''d pay more if I could and do when I have it - I get a good bonus at Christmas which I ALWAYS give her half of towards christmas stuff for the kids). If she doesnt accept my offer to pay a portion of extras then I might ask for a CSA reassessment and just bank the difference for those ''extras''. It''s all for the kids in the end anyway, but my god this woman wants blood.

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21 May 12 #332081 by MrsMathsisfun
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AS the amount you currently pay is higher than the amount that the CSA formula would say you have to pay.

I would definitely tell her that the CSA formula states I have to pay x amount, I pay more than this by y amount, in future I will pay the csa rate and pay for the a 1/4 of any extras if and when they occur.

  • mumtoboys
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21 May 12 #332103 by mumtoboys
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much depends on your respective financial circumstances and the expectations you had for your children as a couple and how you are able to manage this now separated. On top of that, a child who is particularly gifted and talented can cost a small fortune (I know, for example. a very well off family who''s child is a future ice-skating Olympian and they are struggling to keep up with him from a financial point of view, despite having gained sponsorship and grants etc.) Few people come out of divorce financially unscathed and men in particular often seem to have an unrealistic view of the minimum amount required to bring up children (apologies for blatant sexism!). You may well pay over and above - but that''s all relative if your ex is genuinely struggling to put food on the table and you easily afford 3 foreign holidays a year.

Personally, I see the CSA as a fair way forward, plus suggesting that you will contribute extra as and when you can afford it (I frankly find the I''ll pay 1/4 thing all wrong - they''re half your children and half your responsibility, regardless of how many nights a week you see them) as perfectly reasonable.

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22 May 12 #332264 by Enuff Already
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Yep mumtoboys they are half my kids, but I dont get any where near half the privileges of being their dad, I have had to fight tooth and nail for the bit I have got. I know my responsibilities and I believe I meet them one hundred percent. Our incomes are very similar, 1k in it.. (she is higher). Out of mine I pay my maintenance, she then has that added to her income, as well as the child benefit and her new husbands income (not that I am saying that he should be paying - I am not) her outgoings are then halved as surely a couple share mortgage payments, bills etc... she therefore has more expendable income. She chooses their extra cirricular activities, I can''t, she chooses their school I didn''t, and you say I should pay half, I suggest you take a trip into the real world mrs...

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22 May 12 #332268 by MrsMathsisfun
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As said previously,put in application for assessment to CSA yourself. Then offer either to continue to pay the same amount as now and dont contribute to extras or pay csa rate and contribute half of costs.

If she asked the CSA, they would say that CM is to cover the additional costs that children incur.

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