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Ex wants cost breakdown of his child maintenance

  • finallyhere
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01 Jun 12 #334460 by finallyhere
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Hi All,

Long time since I''ve been on the forum but hope all you good wiki peeps can offer your opinion on this dilemma.

In a nutshell, ex hasn''t paid maintenance since we parted apart from when he was on JSA paying the standard £5pw. CSA are investigating him for fraud (file is currently with CSA solicitors awaiting decision as to whether to prosecute for fraud - he claims he wasn''t working when he was for a year).

There have been discussions between us, initiated by him that we come to a private agreement if I ask the CSA to wipe out the arrears based on their current maintenance assessment for when he was ''working'' these amount to approx £2000+. Its been nearly 3 years since we divorced and the chances of me ever getting any maintenance from him via the CSA look slim, especially if you consider that the CSA may not prosecute.

So I have had discussions with him and we have come to a figure that he is happy to pay and I am happy to accept. From my point of view, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I''ve drafted an agreement which Ive sent to him to agree to and he has revised it to include a statement that I will provide him on a six monthly basis a breakdown of what Ive spent the money on.

I dont think this is reasonable. I''ve no intention of spending the money of anything other than the children but to me this feels like a control. If he doesnt agree with what Im spending "his" money on then the chances are he''ll back out of the agreement and I''ll be worse off than I am now (i.e. the arrears wiped out and no possible prosecution).

Feel like telling him to shove his agreement and money where the sun dont shine. :angry:
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  • maisymoos
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01 Jun 12 #334465 by maisymoos
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It is a control thing!! my ex tried to do something similar. The CSA don''t require a list of expenditure!!!! and your ex has a cheek to ask!!

The trouble is if you give up on the CSA and if you don''t have maintenance agreed in a court/Consent Order, how do you know you will actually receive anything?
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  • WhiteRose
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01 Jun 12 #334468 by WhiteRose
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Feel like telling him to shove his agreement and money where the sun dont shine.


After reading your post - this is exactly what I thought ............ However, no doubt he will cause problems giving you the money :(

Just wondered if there was a simple spreadsheet you could wheel out just to appease him :huh:including:
Electricity/Gas
TV licence
Water
Housing
School Uniform
Clothes
Activities
Food
Telephone/BB
Haircuts

All these things are what he contributes to, to ensure the children are cared for, you can delete or add to the list and put what proportion of ''his'' money goes to it - you never know - it may show him his contributions fall shy of what you need!

I know it may look like you''re pandering to him, it goes against every principle I have, but since my separation & divorce I''ve discovered there''s being right and there''s getting what you want. Sometimes you may have to compromise to get what you want - or lose things to be right.

:S

WR
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  • jslgb
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01 Jun 12 #334470 by jslgb
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maisymoos wrote:

The trouble is if you give up on the CSA and if you don''t have maintenance agreed in a court/Consent Order, how do you know you will actually receive anything?


I second this. Initially after we separated stbxh and i came to an agreement based on his full time wage and cash in hand job. This steadily decreased over time and resulted in £5 for a couple of weeks. He wanted to keep the mutual agreement and blackmailed me into doing so as the CSA wouldnt take his cash in hand wage into consideration. After a couple of weeks at £5 and him knowing i''m in FTE I had no choice!

We had plenty of ups and downs with the CSA with him not paying and then paying a token amount to stop them going direct to his employers and the amount is so small it barely covers anything but at least i know its coming each week (or when he decides to pay it). He constantly pestered me personally and through the CSA to agree to a ''family arrangement'' where he pays me direct and i was told by the CSA if i agreed to this and he missed a payment the whole CSA process would begin again and i would have to lose the missed payments.

I know the CSA seems like the worst option at the moment, but in the long run they are the most ''reliable''!!
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  • sexysadie
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01 Jun 12 #334473 by sexysadie
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I agree. He doesn''t look to me to be trustworthy enough to have a private agreement with and it is quite outrageous for him to ask for a breakdown of expenditure.

Best wishes,
Sadie
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  • finallyhere
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01 Jun 12 #334477 by finallyhere
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Thank you for the replies so far, definately food for thought. I liked your thinking WhiteRose about getting what you want.... its another way of thinking about it.

Trouble with sticking with the CSA is that he works through a limited company which means he can hide quite effectively behind it. He claims to be doing unpaid research at the moment for a Nigeria company as a Nigeria national working abroad, yet he can still offer me £350 per month?? (yes I know this is a smoke screen) He''s recently come off JSA so he''s got to be earning something from someone. He will thwart the CSA''s systems in any way he can with the upshot being that he never pays a penny apart from when he''s on the dole. He plays the system like a pro - when the CSA were investigating him suddenly he''s back on the dole and Im back to a £5pw assessment.

I''ve spoken to the CSA investigator - (we''re on first name terms as he''s been dealing with me for so long!!) and he made the point that it might be better for me to accept an offer of maintenance from the ex rather than wait for the arrears which may never materialise. If that''s not an admission that the CSA have no teeth then I dont know what is!!

I just feel that agreeing to do this gives him carte blanche to renege on this agreement if he doesnt like what i spend the money on. Maybe that''s his plan all along - pay me for 6 months then I submit my ''expenses'', he complains about it and stops or reduces my maintenance. In this scenario he''s not only wiped out £2k+ of arrears but also stopped a very potential prosecution for fraud! win-win for him I think and me back to square one having to rely on the CSA to prove his income.
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01 Jun 12 #334485 by WhiteRose
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I don''t know whether its better to see if the arrears & fraud investigation transpire or if its better to get something rather than nothing :(

Difficult situation for you .......:blink:

Whether 6 months of you getting something (and them potentially him stopping because he''s being awkward) or you getting nothing at all ..........

I can''t remember what your situation is re. contact, but could you say to the kids that when you buy something that its ''Daddy''s treat'' and to say thank you to Daddy next time they see him - this means he gets some acknowledgment that you are spending ''his'' money on them (and they know it) and that may encourage him to continue.

Ooohhhh - I''ve just re-read that and it kind of sounds like manipulation - but my intent is that he needs the acknowledgment and/or appreciation perhaps rather than the fact that he should want to support his kids .................:huh:

WR
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