I''d tell him straight that you are doing him the favour not the other way round.
That if he thinks £350 a month even goes close to touching the sides of what it costs to raise two kids in a month he''s is not only acting like a xxxx but proving it too.
They''ll be no writing any letters to the csa.There''ll be no 6 monthly budget on where the money was spent and there''ll certainly be no interrogation of the kids.
Now take it or leave it pxxxk and if i don''t get paid i''ll be fecking making your brand new shiny life a misery.So you better prioritise whats more important to you £80 a week to keep me quiet or having an irate ex being a pain to him and his new wife.
I know that''s not pc but he does sound a right xxxx.
All the best
I''ve read all the posts on this thread and i mst admit that staying with the csa could well possibly seem tempting to you, but personally, i wouldnt. That not to say that he should get away scott free from all his financial responsibilities and obligations to his children. I wouldnt tell him a thing either about where the money goes and what you spend it on. Its absolutely none of his business. He sounds like a controlling narcissist. One way you could approach this is by drafting a letter to him stating that you can understand his concerns and maybe we could attend a mediation session together to discuss and come to a mutually agreed arrangement. You could then apply to court for a financial order and Its possible that This agreement could then be taken to court to be rubber stamped. Then if he decides to renege upon the agreement at any time in the future, for example when he gets out of bed the wrong side, or he wakes up with a boil on his b******s, you could go back to the court for enforcement. The CSA will be out of the equation also. As for the arrears, these could be included in addition to the maintenence that he pays you, at a minimal amount, say £50 per month over 5 years which equates to £3000 approximately the arrears he owes you? Very manageable and very affordable. That would therefore equate to £400 per month. You could also say that you will ask the CSA to close the case from immediate effect and that you have reached an agreemnt on how the arrears will be paid also. You could also suggest to him that it is important to you that the children have some form of financial pot when they are older. Therefore the additional 50 per month he pays you for the arrears, would he be able to pay it in to an ISA account for the children in both of your names that requires joint signatures on any funds that need to be removed? From his eyes, he will see that the arrears are going to be used for the children at a time they mostly need it when they are older.
The cost of caring for children also increases as they get older so it may be beneficial to have a percentage increase each year, say 3% increase each year (3% x £4200=£4326(£360.50per month) end of year 1, 3% x £4326=£4458.78(£371.57per month)end of year2 etc etc)
Then as the children leave school or full time education, the monthly amount can be amended ( divided by 3 at that particular moment in time and the monthly maintenence figure being reduced by one third)
You have to try and appease him and work with him, but you do not have to be dictated to by him or controlled by him. If he physically sees some of "his" money going to his children and not directly to you, he may change his tune a bit.
The other option still remains the CSA and he still be able to hide behind the facade of this Limited company. You may never get a satisfactory amount of maintenence again only £5 a week for the next XX years. I hope this is food for thought for you?
What are the current contact arrangements and wahat are the sexes and ages of the 3 children?
thanks rmatank for your very considered reply. You''ve hit the nail on the head, I''ve already identified him as a narcissist. To be quite honest, I''ve been in an out of court with him for the last two years. We have 3 girls 16,13 & 8 and he has wanted shared residence of them. He has bought 2 separate cases and appealed twice, right up to the Courts of Justice. Everytime he''s been declined purely because of his controlling ways and attitude towards me. The whole divorce inc all these cases has cost me £10k + in legal fees which although I am on legal aid, will be paying back due to retaining the FMH. So, the thought of yet more court fills me with horror. All that you have said above is very reasonable .... to a reasonable person such as us. To him, he doesnt want to negotiate and he;s already stated that he might want to start a new family once he''s remarried. (nice eh!) hence why he negotiated me down from £500 to £350. He just wants a clean slate for his new wife/new life and me off his back in every sense. We have now established regular contact for the girls of every other weekend and half all holidays although he has NEVER shown any interest in having them for the holidays. I think Im going to email him (we only communicate via email) and tell him I dont accept the clause about me providing a cost breakdown but maybe temper it with rewording to say that I agree that all monies be spent entirely on the children. I doubt he''ll go for it but I want to keep the lines of communication open for now. By the way, the only bit he wants put in the agreeement is that his maintenance REDUCES once each child reaches 18. No mention of a % increase!!!
The trouble with a narcassist is once they can''t get there narsisstic supply off you any more they drop you like a ton of bricks in there eyes why should they be paying you for anything as they get nothing in return.All i can say is wife to be should be pitted as she does not know whats coming