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  • Stoke1
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08 Aug 12 #348033 by Stoke1
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Hi, Me and my wife are going through mediation at present as our marriage has totally broken down, and the situation is that we both have our 2 children equally over the week apart from I get them for 3 nights and she has them for 4. During today''s meeting she has informed me that she has contacted the csa regarding maintenance, seems as all my wages go into our joint bank account and we are both roughly receive the same income I can''t see what she can claim. I''m totally clueless when it comes to benefits but understand from her that she is claiming other forms of credit from other agencies. I''ll just point out that I''m the one who left her and at present living with my parents, she''s also asked me to admit to adultery for the divorce (which is not true). I don''t begrudge her anything but I don''t want get ''screwed'' over by clever play or me missing something obvious. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated. Thanks

  • Bobbinalong
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08 Aug 12 #348047 by Bobbinalong
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hey stoke. mediation can be hard, remember it doesn''t have to be adhered too, so after get things in stone asap.
Regarding CM payments, hopefully you can sort it between you. It is a good start you have your kids so much and are able too.
However CM is payable to the person named on the child tax credits and child benefit forms, usually the mother.
You could start off by telling her if you can stick to your own arrangements and you will help with day to day expenses such as uniform and shoes etc, is she refuses this, then ask her to arrange CM between yourselves, basically if you have two kids, you pay 20% of your NET wage, minus an allowance for overnights, so work out how many nights per year, take of 1/7ths for each increment of 52, i.e. 52 to 104 take 1/7th off, 104 to 156 (I think) another 1/7th etc, but there is a ceiling where it droops further depending how many nights. You would be able to find info if you googled it.
You might find you have them for about 170 nights a year inc hols?
But also have a look under shared care arrangements etc? my friend has similar to you and pays no CM, they are more or less equal in their time.

The divorce, you do not need to admit adultery, just tell her to divorce for Unreasonable Behaviour if she is the one wanting to do that, its quite easy to come up with a list of 5 things for that.

Be aware that things might spiral a bit, going on what you have told us in that short paragraph, shei s getting advice and things may get a bit more dirty in the near future, she may stop you seeing the kids as much too.

  • fairylandtime
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08 Aug 12 #348051 by fairylandtime
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Hi stoke

Bobbing is right re the calculation, there is also a calculator on the CM site.

It might be better for all if you have a private agreement worked on the calculator, (also on the site) then no need for the CSA, if you can a free it''s better & easier for all & you can (either of you) have it written into the Consent Order also.

For me the first mediation was re the children & the 2nd the finances, the medator will give you Finacial documents to complete a copy for you, the mediator & your ex, full disclosure similar to form E (I think) once agreed on you then take this to sols & have it drawn up in the Consent Order.

For the divorce, again bobbin is right, use UB 5 reasons (we also agreed these at mediation) although my ex got them wrong in that he put my reasons down to me in the Petition lol, & then used one that hurt .... But you get over it & state that you don''t agree with UB points but agree that the marriage has broken down .... Petition is filed & forgotten so no need to fight & incur more legal costs.

Good luck. JJ x

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08 Aug 12 #348118 by Bobbinalong
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Just a quick note on CSA.
It has generally been the case, and there are various moral reasons either side for this.
In general things are more amicable and there is more money goes to the benefit of the kids if CSA is not use. Those that have the CSA imposed on them, unnecessarily, tend not to pay for further expenses.
I know there are RP''s who have needed to use CSA as they wouldnt have got any money anyhow.
They find also the CSA are not the easiest to deal with and can still go for months without any money.
Most mutual arrangements work better. Also fathers are more willing then to pay for extras.

  • Stoke1
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09 Aug 12 #348320 by Stoke1
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Thanks for the great advice you two! The children are 15 and 9 and are both daddies girl and boy, so I''m not too worried about access because it would not be in the x''s best interest

I''ll deffo be looking into all the advice you have both given, just don''t understand why she wants to complicate things when my wages go into our joint account, I don''t spend unnessery amounts of money and have even offered to take the kids to get uniforms etc etc for next term.

She works in a solicitors so is obviously one step ahead or thinks she is, she is adamant that I cheated on her so I think that if I tried to go for other options other than adultery then it will cost me more and could possibly lead to a more dragged out affair. From what iv read, if I admit to it then it will not affect me in any situation, the children will not be affected because I have spoken to them and they are both fine.

We are both reasonably young (I''m 32 & X is 34) so neither of us can rule out finding new partners

Thanks so much again for replying with your great advice

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