A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Mon/Fri 9am-6pm       Sat/Sun 2pm-6pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Agonising dilemma where to live

  • braveheart
  • braveheart's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
20 Sep 07 #3693 by braveheart
Topic started by braveheart
My British stbxw has been having an affair here in France and now wants to spend the rest of her life with him (he is French). She also wants the children to stay in France as they are at British school here and are happy.

I am agonising over what to do. I have no wish to live in the small town here and seeing him and her together (I fought hard not to divorce but did not succeed). I have been wanting to go back to the UK for a year or two now and think that I will return once we sell our house. I wish to build a new life for myself back in UK where I stand a 100% better chance of finding a new partner as well as being with friends and family.

We have two children, D 14 and 9 and I have told them that I intend living in UK and seeing them every 3 weeks and more over holidays.

I am torn between staying here and having a miserable life looking over my shoulder all the time or going back to UK and not seeing the children so often.

Anyone got any words of wisdom for me (please!)

  • gone1
  • gone1's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
20 Sep 07 #3697 by gone1
Reply from gone1
This is not so hard. Stay in the area where you live until your kids are older. Put them before yourself. They wont want you to move away in anycase despite what they say. Kids are like that. They tell you what you want to hear sometimes.

What your assuming is that in say 1 or 2 years from now you will feel the same about your ex. It dont work like that. Think of all the loves you had in the past. Do you still love them all deeply? No. So do whats right. Live near your kids and they will get a good start by having 2 parents who love and care for them.

I live in the same town as my ex. Ok so the pop is 300K. Thats a lot of people and I live about a mile from her. I dont see her. In fact I dont see any of them. So you can live in the same town for years and not see her. If you do just blank her.

As you tried to defend your divorce this tells me that you still have feelings for her and you didnt want this to happen. So this is all very raw for you. Let time heal your wounds and I promise you in a while you will feel different. But be there for your kids. They are more likely to stick with you as you get old. You dont want them choosing a care home like pentonvile? So be nice to them.

Thats my advice. I aint you and you aint me. You have to make your own mind up. But do whats right. All the best Chris.

  • braveheart
  • braveheart's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
20 Sep 07 #3707 by braveheart
Reply from braveheart
Chris - thanks for the staight advice. You are right but I am finding it very hard thinking of having to put my life on hold, which is what I will have to do here, after what I have been through.

I need to move on as much as she does - maybe more so, but the children could end up innocent victims.

  • gone1
  • gone1's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
20 Sep 07 #3713 by gone1
Reply from gone1
Hi Braveheart. I know what you are going thru. I had to deal with this last year. But I never bumped into them. You have to give yourself time to get over this. In time you will be amazed at yourself and how you thought of these things. In a couple of years you could walk right by them with a smile on your face as you new life has unfolded in front of you. They will be amazed that the utterly destroyed person they once knew has been reborn.

There have been many that have trodden this path and there will be many that come after us. Its life.

Your life is not on hold. Please dont think this way. The clock is ticking for all of us. Thing is you dont know how long you have on this earth. So dont waste a single day of life. Life is a precious gift and the string that keeps us alive is very thin. Beleive me it snaps easily.

Do the right thing for your kids and they wont be inocent victims. You are there dad. Be the best dad that you can. And if you do this you have a fair chance of keeping them. Dont use them as amunition and dont ask questions. Just be the good dad you were.

I forgot to mention in my last post. You mention that you want to move back to the UK to meet someone. I learned very quickly when I was on my own that you cant just decide to meet someone. It just dont work that way. You will meet someone when the time is right and when you are ready. You may not be ready for a long time. It will just happen. Its also got nothing todo with your postcode. There are lost soul's like you and me everywhere. Including your little town. So be patient.

What I did at the stage you at was repair and regenerate myself. Find the person you once were and come out a better person. I believe that we lose a little of ourselves when we are with someone. We become tainted. It takes time for us to untagle ourselves.

There you are. I have given you something to do. I go on to much. Soz. Chris.

  • braveheart
  • braveheart's Avatar Posted by
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
21 Sep 07 #3748 by braveheart
Reply from braveheart
You write a lot of sense. And the decision would be a great deal easier if we lived in UK and not France. But here we live in an expat bubble if you like and that bubble is family orientated and functions around the
school. Take the family away and I reckon I can name about 4 single men living here - and all are desperately unhappy for one reason or another - primariliy because they ahve no social life at all.

I have to do a little bit of soul searching here.

Thnx again.

  • Nettle
  • Nettle's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
23 Sep 07 #3830 by Nettle
Reply from Nettle
I can sympathise, I have decided to move away, I asked the kids what they wanted to do and they want to finish their education, but plan on visiting me as much as they can (in my daughters case she plans to spend the next summer holidays with me.

Now the time is drawing nearer to leave, I feel sick to my stomach, but I don't feel I have much of a choice as I have next to no family left, and my husband has most of his family left and living in the area.

I console myself that I can talk to my kids every day by phone and via Instant messengers.

  • sky
  • sky's Avatar
  • New Member
  • New Member
More
23 Sep 07 #3831 by sky
Reply from sky
All I can tell you is that the kids will need you as they go through this. They need both parents to be there for them as they deal with their own loss. There will be alot of pain and anguish for them anyway - if you leave the country they will loose you twice. Is appears from your comments that they will be dealing with a new partner in their lives very soon. Do you have to live in the same town - is there not somewhere nearby where you will be close but not ontop of your ex?

One thing is for sure - it hurts. It hurts everyone. It will hurt you no matter where you live. Why make it harder?

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11