Dealing with x over issues with kids

SummerSun

Can you give some examples of the type of things that she is trying to control so we can understand the issues?

Mon

Example - homework - her approach is to "force" the kids to do homework by closly supervising them and cutting back on privalages. My approach is to ensure that they have the support and know what needs to be done. She tries to get me to use her method.

Fiona, I think that disengaging is probably the best route for me. Hopefully this may improve over time.

Summer. Is there conflict between you in front of the children or just that your parenting is different?

There is nothing you can really do if it is the latter, just parent in your style and over time the children will decide which style they like.

I have the children back this week and our parenting styles are very different. I am very hands on and working with the children as a team in all aspects: homework, chores around the house, what we do and where we go. From comments from the children, my ex2b is expecting them to do a lot for themselves and she makes decisions on what they do and where they go that suit her, not all of them. The children somethimes make comments to me about the unfairness (as they see it) of what they are requested to do. I have to tell them, that is your mothers parenting style.

We are all different people and I'm sure there are things that my ex2b does that suits the children better than I do. I do say to them to discuss things they don't like but after 11 months of week on, week off we seem to have settled into a good routine and we have a great time when we are together.

I hope this helps and good luck

Mon

I had major issues with my ex after his new GF came on the scene, she totally took over, but it started before that he was so resistant to anything that I needed to talk to him about, his way of going on with them wasn’t always right as they would come home and complain, then his GF started threatening me at my own front door and I’ve never been able to talk to him face to face since.

It got so bad that I had to (with the advice of a solicitor and doctor) remove them from him and force him to go to court for access, this way I was then back in control and calling the shots, he got back his access bit by bit once I was happy at his attitude with the children and he hasn’t bucked since but I equally don’t take the power trip on it, my children have always been the ones in control but they behaviour was atrocious after seeing him before all that happened.

If you cannot resolve issues then you sometimes have to take a step a direction you didn’t want to.

Mon, Thanks for your post. I wonder if the ages of the kids makes a difference. Mine are both teenagers, with one of them now working part-time. They pretty much go and go as they please. I think it is completely down to styles - I had another example yesterday with my D as she couldn't express her feelings to her mum. There is some conflict, which doesn't help - I think we both try to put this to one side. I hope that things settle down eventually and that we can get back on speaking terms, yet for the moment I think that disengaging is the best and least stressful way forward.

SummerSun, I think there is often conflict between mothers and teenager daughters and it's completely unrelated to divorce. Our house was rather like a battle zone and our D went to live with her father. It lasted one night and she wanted to come back!

Anyway eventually she did move into her own flat for a while but at 24 has been living back with me for 3 years and we get on really well.