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Will my kids forgive me?

  • lilyrose
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20 Dec 07 #9321 by lilyrose
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I have been unhappy with my x2b for some years but stayed beacause of the children. He has tried to control me and managed to isolate me from my friends. Unfortunately for him, our finacial situation meant I had to return to full time work, and I've realised there is another world out there, one where I am allowed to be 'me' I know, I know its a terrible cliche - mid life crisis and all that but I've finally reached the point where I cant stand it any longer.

I told him I didnt love him and asked him to leave. As stated in previous post, he is refusing to accept this and is asking for '1 more chance'. As far as I am concerned he has had plenty of chances and it is too late. He is alternating between pretending its not happening, crying, calling me all the names under the sun and emotional blackmail. I had hoped the children (I keep calling them children although the eldest is 20 and the youngest nearly 16)would be a little understanding, after all they have witnessed the way he has treated me. However all they have seen is him crying and are taking his side. I dont want to resort to mud slinging and would never give them the full details as to why I no longer love him, he is their Dad after all.

As a result life at home is almost unbearable. I dont want to leave them but dont think I can cope much longer. If I go it will only be to my mums as I cant afford anything else. Although he earns twice as much as me our finances are pretty tight. We still have a mortgage and I would obviously have to help support the children (all in full time education) Within a couple of years the children will all be off doing their own thing and I will be left in a loveless relationship

I just dont know if I could cope with the guilt let alone the knowlege that they may never forgive me if I go, but for the sake of my own sanity I dont think I can stay.

I would be grateful for any advice

  • zozo
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20 Dec 07 #9322 by zozo
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Dear lily,
I believe you are the only one who has to take this decision and you should not be affected by any one else opinion mainly because you know much better than every body about what is going on between you and your x and also because it is your life but as you take the decision of walking away I think you should explain properly to your children why you are doing so especialy they are between 20 and 16 years old big enouth to understand if you explain to them the reason which pushed you to seperate from their dad and also that you did your best to cope for their wellbeing.After doing so I think it will easier for you not to feel guilty and and easier for them no to blame you simply because it is the truth.
Take care and goud luck
zozo

  • BlueGangster
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20 Dec 07 #9324 by BlueGangster
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Hi Lily,
Sorry but I dont quite understand the full situation with the kids (sorry...young adults), so a bit more insight would be helpful.
Does your 20 year old still reside at home? Are you considering leaving the kids with him? Could your 16 old come with you?

  • lilyrose
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20 Dec 07 #9330 by lilyrose
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Hi Bluegangster

The 20 year old is at uni so still finacially dependant on us, 18 year old at college and 16 year old at school (also planning college and uni)

For me the ideal situation would be for x2b to leave the house, and the children to stay with me in the house. X is refusing to leave the house.

I am considering leaving and going to live with my mum. The 16 year old wont want to come as his school and all his friends are near the house. But to be honest I dont think any of them are very keen on me at the moment any way. All they can see is their dad is upset, its all my fault as I'm the one who wants the separation and 'poor dad has done nothing wrong' , well thats what he's telling them anyway.

Like I said I dont want to start giving them reasons why the marriage is over,I really dont want them to know the gory details. So therefore I am the bad one in all this.

My X is playing all sorts of mind games with me, I cant for the life of me see why, I cant believe anyone would want to live as we are long term. I've told him I dont love him and that wont ever change but for some reason he doesn't want us to separate.

I thought I could cope living under the same roof as him, but its unbearable, which is why I am considering moving out. I just dont know if I could handle being rejected by my children as I do love them so much.

Lily

  • Specialdad
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20 Dec 07 #9333 by Specialdad
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Unfortunately unless there is violence involved you cannot force anyone to leave their house without a court order.

You will have to petition for divorce and agree on a financial settlement which could up to two years.

  • Vail
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20 Dec 07 #9334 by Vail
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Lily,

It is a difficult choice. Your children are beginning to need you less and less and you are starting to wonder a) where has your life gone and b) what has the rest of your life to offer you.

You can't make a go of it without some serious searching by the both of you - the marriage involves the pair of you.

If you decide the marriage is over you have the choice of a different sort of marriage, eg perhaps an open one or divorce.

Financially you should stay in the home. However that may not be the best for you mentally or emotionally. Perhaps you could just move out every time it becomes unbearable until you can recoup the strength to go back?

  • sexysadie
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20 Dec 07 #9341 by sexysadie
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Lilyrose,

Teenagers don't like change. So they are upset with you because you are threatening the stability of their household. Your husband is playing up to this and putting them all in one little group of people whose lives are being upset by you. This is very hard for you, I am sure.

I think that if you have been in a manipulative relationship for a long time then maybe you have to save yourself. Your children will probably come round to it in the end, particularly if they see you blossom once you are free.

I don't think it is worth trying to explain things to them, however. Teenagers don't really want to know about the problems between their parents. It's not their role to look after or support you: it's your role to support them. They may be almost grown-up but they still want you to be their mother, not their child or their friend. However badly your husband has treated you, he is still their dad and they love him, so complaining about him will get you precisely nowhere.

What you have to try and keep hold of is that this is just one phase in what is a very long relationship with your children. They may move away from you emotionally for a while now, and that will be hard, but they will almost certainly come back and then you have the rest of your life to be close to them. As they get older they will also come to a better understanding of your husband and your relationship with him and therefore of why you had to leave.

If your husband really does want one more chance, it might be politic for all concerned to offer to go to Relate. If he won't, then you have at least shown that you have made the effort. If he will, then there is a chance that you could sort things out between you or at least make your split easier for everyone. On the other hand he may just want you to stay because it is convenient to have you looking after him and everyone; it will be hard work for him if you do leave him with the children.

Good luck!

Sadie

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