1st Solicitors letter !

Hi all
Today i recieved what is no doubt the first of many solictors letters from my stbx.
We separated at the end of january this year and my son came to live with me through his own choice.

At first he was going back to see her and his half brother at the weekends but became more and more retisant about this to the point where he doesn't want to go anymore.

He's 14 years old which i believe is old enough to make up his own minds.
The reasons he's given to me about not wanting to see them are:

1. Says she ignore him a lot of the time.
2. Constantly harrases him for information about me. eg am i seeing someone, have i been out, and so on.
3. His half brother has aspergers and adhd and is 17 years old and quite a big lad now. My son has been coming back from hers with marks on his wrists and arms and the in one instance with a 2 inch cut which he says is from where his brother dug his nails into him.
4. The last time he went down i recieved a phone call 3 hours later from my son in a very distressed state wanting to be picked up. When i asked him what had happened he said that there was a big fight with his brother threatening to knife him and kill him in his sleep. When i asked what his mother had done he told me she was crying and put her coat on and threatened to "leave them to it" as she couldnt cope.

Well i've now recieved a letter from her solicitor saying that if i dont meet for mediation and she sees my son more often she's going to the court for a residence order so he has to live back with her.

I contacted social services about the marks on my son and her inability to deal with the situation and they suggested he not visit until they had spoken to her.

I always told her my son was free to visit whenever he wants as its only a 10 minute bus ride to hers from mine. I'm not doing anything to keep him from seeing her but he has a lot of friends now and wants to spend time with them at the weekends rather than be cooped up with her.

Any advice please on the best way to proceed?
I think that considering her behaviour and my sons age then any court would dismiss this as he surely has the right to say where he wants be.

Thanks

It is in the child's best interest that you meet for mediation. We are not talking about a stranger, we are talking about his mother.

Now I am not one that takes the mother's side, trust me. I take the side of both parents.

AS and ADHD, that must be some odd mix. Probably very hard to cope with at times for your ex-wife and your son. So what do you do to help out with the step-son?

Losing all contact with his mother would be a shame when it sounds like his half-brother is the source of problems. Can the 14 year old not meet with his mom a times when his half-brother is not about for a while? This might help them rebuild their relationship and defuse the tug of war that is going to ensue?

My step son doesn't want to have any contact with me and his last words were "i can't wait until you bloody go so i can claim ema"

The problem she has is that she never does anything with my son on her own and from what he's told me just sits around writing her prison penpal letters most of the time.
When they do go out its always with his half brother to buy him stuff for school.

The other problem is that she was never there for him growing up and we always ended up doing everything together from me being up all night feeding him and changing nappies to being there when he first took a step.

Also she is constantly slagging me off to her friends in front of him and he hates it and says he feels really embarrassed when she does it.

I have tried talking to him but in the end i don't want to push him to do something he doesnt want to.
Thanks for the advice. Please keep it coming.

Well, step son is obviously a very troubled young man so i would not set too much store in what he says.

"The problem she has is that she never does anything with my son on her own and from what he's told me just sits around writing her prison penpal letters most of the time." I'm sure you meant to say, she never does anything with 'our son'..., right?

"...she was never there for him growing up ..." That is so sad, but maybe it was because she was so focused on the other boy's greater needs and because you were so very helpful and capable of looking after the younger boy. I hope you are not feeding this sort of view to the 14 year old. He will not feel very wanted.

"...she is constantly slagging me off to her friends in front of him ..." Is about the worst thing a parent can do to a child. I would definately want to go to mediation, just to raise this in front of her with a mediator. If the mediator did not immediately tell her off, I would say to mediator, you are not very good at this are you?

Don't push him, but make sure you help him to see that keeping the door open is really important.

If the child feels under threat at his mom's house because of his half brother, then I guess there is not much point in forcing him to go. But you are not 14, you are an adult, so tell him you would like him to call his mom every night, just to say hello and let her know he is ok and happy.

Thanks for the advice.
I spoke to social services who pretty much said the same and that i although i should encourage him to speak to her not to push him into doing anything he doesnt want to.
They are investigating the incidents regarding him coming home with nail marks and scratches and have advised he doesn't visit until they have finished looking into it.
Thanks

The views of any child who is old enough to have an understanding of the issues will be taken into account. If a teenager doesn't want to see a parent it is fairly obvious when they have come to that decision on their own and for good reason. The courts will not normally force a 14 year old to have contact if they are dead set against it because it leads to unwanted behaviour such as running away.

However, you need to realise your son will form his views about adult relationships from his parents and when his relationship with his mother isn't supported he will form a distorted view of relationships with others, particularly with members of the opposite sex. All parents need to know how terrible it is for children to hear one parent speak badly of another and children should be protected from conflict. You can't be responsible for the mother's behaviour, only your own.

Hi Sonning. I would not be worried to much about letters from solicitors. Mediation is probably a good idea. You can talk but should be under little pressure. If you can find a solution by consent it would help everyone but mediation isn't going to force you or your son.

From what you have said I doubt that you have much to worry about from a court application. The court will pay significant attention to your son's wishes and there does not appear to be any reason to change residency - just perhaps define contact. However, the uncertainty of the situation with the half-brother may make it difficult for the court to be too prescriptive