Survey: Parental Alienation Syndrome

hi loobyloo - no mine is most definitely english - though sometimes I think he is from a different planet altogether!!

I'm not bothering to make contact anymore - in fact my counsellor suggested I send a thank you letter to "her" as she removed the most unfunctional aspect of my life!

I expect at some point in the future he will amke contact but doubt it!

Hello,

Ok, I hope I am on the right track here. I will give you a brief outline of my case and would appreciate you coming back to me as to whether I am mis-reading you.

Two children of a long marriage. Great family situation, always doing things together as a family. Husband gets made redundant, both children (still young, 10 and 7 at school), husband works part-time, wife works full time (home by 5 though). Husband after 3 years still not looking for stable employment. Starts calling both children "his boys". Problems start, husband treats eldest boy as his "special friend" taking his on motorbike/fishing etc. After about 9 months husband leaves, takes both children (300 miles away), puts in a residency order saying he has a "special bond" with them. Court cases/contested child residency. Youngest child always wanted to come back to the family home and does so willingly. Residency orders made - Eldest boy lives with father (at sister's house 300 miles away) youngest boy stays with mother but father - despite a court order - takes eldest boy away on "surprise holidays" each and every time parent/boys are supposed to have contact during the school holidays.

Father takes eldest boy on a exclusive 10 day holiday at Christmas - has a 20 minute conversation with the youngest at a service station (youngest and mother know nothing of the holiday). Father then contacts the youngest boy's school just before the summer holiday having made no arrangements for contact prior to this, and tells the youngest child's Headteacher that he has not seen his son for a year, blaming the mother! The mother on the other hand has tried unsuccessfully to arrange normal holiday contact, (asking for eldest boy, giving five months notice, by letter direct to ex husband to take BOTH boys on holiday, saying exactly where and when she wanted to take them) splitting each school holiday in half so both boys/and each parent see each other.

Eldest boy now does not come home has not been back to family home for a year/ has no contact with any members of mother's family (grandparents/cousins etc). Father always maintains he has been "fair" with contact?!!

Father controls the eldest boy who was 11 nearly 12 when residency orders were made, prior to the split (husband's choice to leave) the eldest boy had been happy at home and even said to his grandfather during the contested residency proceedings "could Dad take me away again if I don't want to go?". Despite the courts/judge saying he was old enough to make his own choice he was literally "brainwashed" by his father and his Aunt (the Dad's sister), who incidentally drove the children around until 10.00pm at night so the mother could not take them back South, this Aunt is a Headteacher of a primary school and had been a friend/sister-in-law for 19 years!

As a mother I have done nothing wrong to either of my children, both boys had a lovely relationship but the eldest now thinks he is his father's friend and because he is a boy I feel particularly vunerable with this, but it does not make me a bad mother! I have always been a hands-on mother, and looked after both of them full time until they went to school and then I went to work when my ex got made redundant.

I am now apart from my son who is 16 this year, I feel I have missed out on a very important part of his life and try to maintain contact but he refuses to respond. Blames me for "making his father bankrupt" (I am not responsible for his father going straight to a solicitor and racking up high legal bills in his quest for divorce.

I feel at a loss. The youngest has also not seen his father, this is not because I have ever "bad mouthed" his father but purely because he is angry for 1) His father leaving 2) taking him away from his mother/home/friends 3) taking his brother away on holidays without him 4) Taking his brother away. Not necessarily in the right order but all of those things. It is an experience he has been put through (he was only 8) and he is quite a strong minded character. His brother, despite being older is more "pliable" and liable to go along with whatever his father says.

I am sorry for such a long post. I needed to do this. I am going to go on the website www.matchmothers.org and see if they can help. I do wonder if my eldest had been a daughter would this have happened? Feels like daughters would not leave their mothers but my son seems to not care whether he sees me or not, or his brother for that matter.

Can you help? Thank you for reading this - if you get this far!

Hi Tinny,

Read your post in reply to PAS. Wondered if you had seen my reply to the original post?

I too have a very controlling, manipulative ex who has taken my son (other one has stayed with me) saying he has a "special bond" with him and has taken him on "surprise holidays" each and every school holiday when we are supposed to ensure contact for both children (brothers don't see each other now).

He is so subtle and infuriatingly convincing that he doesn't get "found out" until after the event which is well and truly too late and "after the horse has bolted".

My problem is this. I am trying to do the right thing. He behaves in an underhand way and then people say things like "the children should not be used as weapons!" but it doesn't mean BOTH parents are doing it! The children themselves unfortunately have taken their own individual stance on the situation which also looks like the parents are making their decisions.

Haven't seen my eldest son more than twice since he was nearly 12, he is 16 this year. He seems to adore his father as they share similar interests and hobbies - I understand boys do that with their fathers but does that mean I can never/could have never had a meaningful, albeit different, relationship with my son? It's like being punished for being female!

Sound sorry for myself? Yeah maybe I am, lost my husband of 20 years and my eldest boy... I am heart-broken.

Elizabeth,
MATCH can be a good source of support and info re your situation and like every support network has its pros n cons. I cant imagine anything worse than a parent not seeing their children although others may disagree as is their right. The subtle and manipulative manner in which these parents do this is difficult for those not affected to understand. The pain and heartbreak it causes is near unbearable and in my case has left me numb to life. The damage to such children may take years to surface......and in the interim we live in a society that has nothing in place to prevent this.
Best wishes, cos i know how hard it is to live with PAS (or wotever name is used)
Elle

Hi Elizabeth
Sorry I nearly missed your post. I have sent you a PM.

Tinny

Will C,

I wholeheartedly agree with your camapaign to get pas recognised. Your deccription a few threads ago is directly on the money and it is exactly how my life has occured with my ex2b.

Along with pas, there is definitly discrimination from the side of the courts, please see the article from the district judge in the wiki front page. Put his words together, and not only do you have discrimination against self reppers, but imagine being a self repper for residency as a father? That is where i am and got royally done over by the courts........am currently well into the complaints against the court, and will not lie down.

PAS does exist and is a huge contributor to fathers being alienated. Not that i am upping myself, however i can completely understand, why, a man with no money, no court experience and an ex with PAS would eventually give up. I considered it on many occasions, however when my daughter is 16 and understands, i would not live with myself if my honest answer was that i had done nothing to fight for her.

Good luck Will C, it's lawyers like you with moral's and ethics that will change the system. Start a PAS website, and i'll join it in a heartbeat. The only way for this to get out there is with numbers attached to it.

Dear DIY,

Thanks for your contribution and the kind remarks. I do think the Courts don't go far enough to remedy the imbalance that occurs when a "self-rep" is up against someone who has legal help.

Please let me have a potted history of your case if you will, so I can add it to my list! I ought to express one note of caution: you have been going for Residence, and it is extremely difficult to get a Court to overturn the "status quo" and grant residence to the other parent. Just because the application is unsuccessful does not of itself mean that there is bias against the applicant.

But my primary interest here is about the PAS angle. I am setting the bar quite high here, I need to be pretty sure that it is indeed "PAS" as currently understood (by those who believe it exists) - hence my request for some more details. You could PM me with details if you like?

Good luck, best wishes

WillC