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Survey: Parental Alienation Syndrome

  • DIY Divorce
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28 Apr 08 #20877 by DIY Divorce
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Will C,

apologies for the miss-understanding, i meant to say shared residence.

Not sure how, but i will be happy to send you all of my official statements sent to the courts and you can determine according to law vs pas if i believe in this syndrome or not.

Let me give you an extremely effective tactic of someone with PAS, as experienced this weekend. Subtle yet highly effective:

Normally i have my daughter on a Sunday for the day. Ex's tactic is to keep the child of 6 up until so late that one of two things occur: The child does not want to visit due to the fact that she is so knackered. Or the child does visit, and is in a fowl mood regarding everthing that happens for the day. Yesterday, my daughter could hardly move, did not want to tell me anything that happened during the week and was pretty rude and obnoxious. She then feel asleep at around 15:00, until we got into the car, and then slept for the 1.5 hour journey home. So subtlle from the ex, but works a treat, almost every w/e. Makes the day almost a loss.

Let me know if you want the rest of the details. (along with documents from the courts regarding broken agrrements by my wife)

Cheers

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28 Apr 08 #20911 by Fiona
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DIY,

Very sorry to hear your weekend didn't go well. There is no point in trying to appease,reason or negotiate with someone when they are being that unreasonable. What does help is maintaining clear physical and emotional boundaries and focusing on your own behaviour eg not reacting to threats or criticisms. I think your best defense is strengthening your relationship by continuing to reassure your D love her, the door is always open so she can talk (no recriminations though, that will really put her off), not reacting if she tells you negative things your ex has said about you, spending time with her without your partner (if you have one), avoiding saying negative things about your ex etc. During time spent with your child it helps to focus on positive activities, and reminisce with the child about previous good times you had together.Talking openly about what she is actually seeing and feeling, as opposed to what the child has been told to be the truth is a good idea too.

Although it is frustrating at the moment and you feel the courts have let you down (BTW did you make a complaint?) IMHO you need to focus on the long term and work towards overnights and then gradually all alternate weekends, picking up your D on Friday pm from school and returning on Mon am to avoid confrontational change overs if at all possible. Hang on in there.

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28 Apr 08 #20916 by DIY Divorce
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Thanks for that Fiona, you are absolutely right, i have never said a negative word about the goat, (and i never will infront of our daughter). I make the w/e as fun and positive as possible, but if i could describe the past 14 months you wouldn't believe it. Whats sad is that i agreed to take a back seat for my wifes career, became primary carer for our daughter, and now through the courts decisions, i have absolutely nothing out of this.

Terrible, but i will not lie down on behalf of my daughter. Being 6, i am the only person who can fight to keep our relationship strong.

Oh yes, the court has it's complaint, they have replied, and i have been assured that it is under full investigation.

What i want out of this exercise, am not sure of, however for some reason i feel the urge to push this to the bitter end with them.

Strangely enough, (& i realise i sound like a mysogonist)but, i am in the position a woman historically finds herself in, ie no money no lawyer......however to my end it is worse because i have gone from primary carer of my daughter to seeing her for a measly 7-8 hours a week if i am lucky.

Oh yes, i will fight this all the way.

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28 Apr 08 #20917 by wscowell
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Dear DiY,

Poor kid - one day only with her Dad, and three hours of that in the car wasted in travel. At least she feels safe enough in your care that she is content to fall asleep knowing you are around.

Have you tried finding things to do with her in her own neighbourhood, so that there is more time available for play rather than travel? Don't forget, no matter how bad you feel about the way you are being treated by ex2b, the SOLE purpose of contact is to meet your daughter's needs, not yours.

I hope you don't think I'm being unduly hard on you, but in my experience it is easy to fall into the trap of thinking of what you derive from the contact. It is essential to approach it from the child's perspective. There is NO PLACE in the Children Act for the parents' emotional needs and feelings.

Perhaps that's why so many parents feel unhappy with the outcome of proceedings under the Act, I don't know... But this may be a fresh perspective for you, I offer it in that spirit.

best wishes

Will C

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28 Apr 08 #20918 by wscowell
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And I posted this just before your last, so please don't take it amiss - your latest gives important new information. But I don't apologise for showcasing important things which have to be said to all parents embroiled in a similar dispute.

Will C

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28 Apr 08 #20922 by DIY Divorce
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Will thanks dude, that is taken in spirit, and make no mistake, the first though until the last on my days with her are how will this re-inforce our relationship in a positive manner. Fortunately we have created an extremely strong bond, and that will never go..........

later man

  • Elizabeth
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30 Apr 08 #21253 by Elizabeth
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Hi DIY,
Sounds like you're having a rough time with a very unreasonable ex and you sound like a very caring Dad to your daughter. It's very difficult, and I wish I could be of some help but I have a similar situ only my ex has taken my son and I haven't seen him for a year. Despite a court order made 3 years ago (he was 11 and his father got residency - he has broken the court order every holiday - taking our eldest son away on "surprise holidays" result is the brother's don't see each other (youngest son lives with me), the court allowed the children to be split which didn't help matters. My eldest son is brainwashed by his father as being his "little friend" - so men who are ex's can also be unreasonable!!

Hope you can work something out more suitable, I know the court didn't help in my case but maybe you could ask to change the visititation days/times?

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