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Survey: Parental Alienation Syndrome

  • brianrhill
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06 May 08 #21687 by brianrhill
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Hi Will

I haven't seen my 12 year old for over a year and a half now, and PAS is undoubtedly at thr route cause here. He has been so manipulated by my ex that there is no point in going back to court for contact as he will simply say that he does not want to see me, no matter what the reasons are, and that's all the court is interested in. It's definitely her and her parents' way of getting back at me. I'm just going to have to wait until her gets his own mind and we'll see how we go from there.

Examples of PAS:
1. Explaining the 'facts' of the finances to him in full so he thinks that I don't give her any money. In actual fact, I pay through the CSA and as she's on benefits it doesn't matter if I'm on £10,000pa or £100,000pa, she'll only get £10pwk, the rest going to Gordon Brown.

2. He refuses to meet, discuss my 'new family' and I was even prohibited from having a phone conversation with my wife and my family infront of him as they had 'taken my side'.

3. I was not allowed to take him to where I lived or to any of my family's homes. This meant that when we did have contact and the weather was awful, we sat in MacDonalds.

4. I was only allowed to see him on weekends as he had homework during the week - even though he only lives 5 miles away from me.

5. I had to apologise for things I had apparently done wrong in order to get to see him.

6. I had to agree to fully comply with 16 conditions, which were not exhaustive:

1. You will see him on your own.
2. Not take him to your home or other family members (he will explain why)
3. Not threaten meetings/trick him into accidental meetings
4. Not tell him ‘he doesn’t have a choice’
5. Not talk (e.g. on your mobile) with or about ‘your new family’ whilst in Sam’s presence.
6. Not try to force him into speaking to other family members unless he chooses to.
7. Not lie about things he hasn’t said. (i.e., asking about your new wife)
8. Not lie to him. (i.e. reasons to why you don’t properly support him)
9. Not make promises and break them
10. Not send/show anymore pictures or postcards of your daughter
11. Not send anymore letters or cards speaking of them
12. Not bribe him in any way
13. Not demand items from his school, despite knowing his sensitive requests
14. You will set regular contact times, so he has security
15. Not let him down, again by making excuses that your ‘new family’ are the priority.
16. Prove he is important and is worth making sacrifices for.

Most of these I agreed to depsite them clearly demonstrating manipulation by his mother, however, in agreeing to some other, this would mean me agreeing that I had sone something that I actually hadn't, and I can't do that.

We had a brilliant relationship before I left his mother (not for someone else), but the level of manipulation is very high and comfortably comes under the PAS banner.

Brian

  • DIY Divorce
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06 May 08 #21701 by DIY Divorce
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Will C,

please send me pvt message with your e-details and i will forward you the statements i have compiled for my residency case.

I am certain that you'll have numerous examples to chew on.

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06 May 08 #21703 by wscowell
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Hi Brian,

This does sound like a possible PAS case. Sorry to hear of all the restrictions, although to be fair, many of them are what I would call "normal concerns", and you have said you are content to go with most of them anyway.

It is normal to not plunge a child into contact with the departed parent's "new family" headlong. But the Courts do accept that in most cases it should happen, at a sensible pace.

3,4, 6, 9, 12 & 14-16 on that list all seem reasonable enough. I'm worried about the terminology. "Tricking" him into a meeting, for example. You only live 5 miles apart, for God's sake. What happens if you see him in the town centre unscheduled. What does she expect you to do? Walk away?

Most of the problems here seem to arise out of a sense of regarding contact as something for the parent, like a prize - one has won, the other has lost. Very bad news, not at all what the Courts do these days. It's all about what the child needs.

Here I have to prod you for a bit more detail. The leading case on this stuff says "Even if the child says no, the Court has a duty to find out why, and not accept this at face value". Are you saying that you have taken this through the Courts, and they have simply acquiesced in the "I don't want to see my Dad" thing? I'm very interested if so.

Please let me have a potted history of the case if you will, so I have something to work from - off list perhaps, by a personal message? Best wishes

Will C

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06 May 08 #21725 by DIY Divorce
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This is the basic information i found on pas and upon which based my descion regards to my x2b. This may assist.


uk.search.yahoo.com/search?ei=UTF-8&...;fr2=sp-qrw-corr-top

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11 May 08 #22097 by escapy
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Hello,
not sure quite what form PSA takes, would like to know more to see if my experiences are of any use. Are there any aricles i can read on the topic.

Thank You.

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11 May 08 #22098 by D L
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Hi Will

Hope your study is going well. I dont know if this would help, but from professional experience the majority of CJs in Liverpool are happy to consider and accept professional opinion on PAS where there is suggestive evidence leading to the professional input.
Amanda

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11 May 08 #22120 by Fiona
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The problem with reading about PAS is it's a bit like reading a medical dictionary, people read about the 'symptoms' and start thinking they might have the complaint. Our attitudes are, in a sense, a self-fulfilling prophecy (isn't that a premise of NLP, Will?)

I'm not trying to trivialise the difficulties people face, but alienation when a child resists or completely refuses contact with a parent who is undeserving of rejection is pretty unusual. Far more common when you talk to children are ambivalent feelings including anger, sadness and love often with genuine concerns about contact.

Anyway for a psychologist's summary of research see;

www.forenpsychservices.com/PAS.html


Or an easier read is When one parent turns a child against the other Chapter 5 in the recent Resolution publication Separation and Divorce Helping Parents to Help Children

www.resolution.org.uk/content_files/file..._help_children_2.pdf

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