Son is scared of dad

Hi all,
Im hoping someone can help with a predicament i have at the minute, my youngest son who is nearly 12 is petrified of his dad, there have been a lot of problem re his dad since he left in may, he decided to leave us with no money he cancelled every bill, including our boys weekly hobbies of which i cannot at the minute afford to send them too, he has also assaulted me in front of our eldest son, of which he got away with as the police said they were happy with what he said, he told the police that it was a one of and will not happen again, (i hope they are right to believe this)but my biggest concern is that our youngest son has slept with me every night since his dad left, and has now started wettting the bed, he also told me last night that he feels paranoid and is really scared of his dad, i have tryed not to let the boys know everything that their dad has done because most of it is shocking, but unfortunately at their ages nearly 12 and 13 they are not daft and have picked up on most of it, i think i know well i hope i know why he is so scared, we have just come back after a well needed holiday, i had on the advice of the police and devap changed all the locks to the house and had dead locks fitted to the windows, but somehow my stbex has managed to get into the house and has taken loads of things, including can you believe all the ornaments of the window sills, i am not bothered about what he has taken as they are just material things and can be replaced, what does bother me is that although i know he has a right to come into the house as his name is on the mortage even though he is not paying it, he now has a way of getting in and our youngest is now paranoid that his dad is going to come in in the night whilst we are asleep, i have tryed to reassure him that this will not happen and i have also let him lock the doors on a night and turn the key sideways so that no one can get in, but he is still waking in the night if he hears the slightest little noise and is panacking, i have today spoken to someone to get him referred to a child support worker, but unfortunately he has to go on a list so god know when he will be seen, i have tryed to contact his dad to make him aware of the situation but he has blocked all forms of communication with me, i really cannot understand why any 12 year old would be so scared of his dad, i myself am now getting paranoid and am worrying myself sick that there could be more to this situation, please dont get me wrong i am not making alligations but i am exstrmeley worried, i have tryed speaking to my son but he just gets upset and says he does'nt want to talk about it, as anyone else esperienced this or can anyone offer some advice please.

sorry to babble on. xx

Please don't take this as a flippant suggestion - try him with ear plugs to help the sleeping situation and waking up regularly. I was burgled in my early 20s when I was 'home alone' one night. It did things to my sense of safety that I could never explain to someone who hadn't had the same experience - I can only imagine what this means to a 12 year old who is scared of his dad. The GP told me to try ear plugs before trying sleeping tablets. A good 15 years later, and I can't sleep without earplugs!!! My sense of safety was restored within a couple of years (it took a long time, but I got there in the end) but I do like the real peace and quiet I get with my ear plugs in.

For the rest of it, does the school have a counsellor? I know it is summer holidays, but it might be possible to get a referral in if you try calling so he's first on the list for September. It would be good to speak with the school anyway and let them know - they may well be able to push things through in the way you or I can't. Otherwise, you might try your GP to see if they can refer for counselling and/or support from within local mental health services and/or make a referral to Children's Servcies for you. It does sound like he's got himself in a mess about something - it might be more the anticipation of something happening, that his dad might carry out some threat you're not aware he's made, rather than something that has actually happened. Failing all of that, if you can afford to, a private counsellor might also be able to help - but do be aware of confidentiality practises and just what they might/might not feed back to you.

I hope everything works out for you. Must be very worrying and upsetting. Try and look after yourself in all of this.

Thank you for your reply mumtoboys,

my son is just moving upto senior school in september so i dont know if there is a councellor or not, the ear plugs sound a great idea, i might even try them myself lol, i could do with a good nights sleep, i like you am worried that something has been said to my son, he seem to be trying to protect me from something, i need to get to the bottom of this before it causes any long term damage to him, he wont go to bed on a night without me and follows me around like a lost lamb, bless him when anyone comes to visit you wouldnt think there was a problem, he seems to be good at hiding things from other people, he did say to me last night that he was scared that his dad would hit me again, and is frightened that he will come and take things from the house, it is so hard to reassure him as he thinks that i am just saying everything will be ok just to not have him worry, that is why i really need someone who does'nt know me or my son to talk to him to reassure him, i will ring my doctor today and see if there is anything they can do to help.

Its the worst feeling in the world to have your child feeling like this, and not having a magic wand to wish away his fears, i know things will get better eventually but its so awfull that the inicent children have to go through this.

Thank once again for your advice. xxxxxx

Hi there - What a worrying time for you and your children! I really feel for you. I'm wondering if perhaps getting your son to call Childline might give him a listening ear until some other support is available?

I think letting him lock the doors, etc is a really good thing. Have you asked him what else would help him feel safer? I'm not trying to stir things up, but if your h has cut off communication with you, might he still be in touch with his parents? How would you feel about contacting them to say you need to get hold of him urgently and see if they will pass on a message?

You might also encourage your son to write a letter to his dad that won't be sent or read by anyone else, explaining all the reasons he is scared. Sometimes this kind of self reflection can be helpful.

Might your older child be able to shed some light on what is happening with his brother? If they get along well siblings can be such a support at difficult times.

Finally, you've probably already thought of this, but I suspect there is much more going on here than just fear of his dad. He is probably feeling all sorts of things about the break-up and that is making him feel insecure, so his dad getting into the house, etc are just making things much worse for him. He must feel very powerless and like nothing is in his control. I think simple things every day that give him a feeling of being in control of his own life are really important to help him find his confidence / security again.

The divorceaid website has a section for children that he may find useful. That way he could start learning about divorce and exploring what it all means for him on his own.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.

Take care, Bon

Hi Bon and thank you also for your reply,

unfortunately my stbex's parents have never really bothered with the boys and have also obviously sided with their son, (my ex had a affair with our much younger neighbour) they too have also been horrendouse, they had the police break my door down whilst i was asleep and told them that i had taken a overdose, (this was during the day when the boys were out with friends) i was just sleeping having not had any for a few weeks after my ex left, the police were happy that i had not taking a overdose and left giving my inlaws a warning, but not happy the inlaws later the same day called the police again and tryed to have me sectioned saying i was a unfit mother, i had to call the police myself as they tried to take the boys away, i now know where my ex gets his evil side from, since then the police have told them to stay away from me and the house, of which they have oh apart from when they too broke in on fathers day and removed lots of items, the police said that there was nothing they could do because it is my ex's parents and there were no witness's, i do think that this has also had a big effect on my youngest.

my only worry with childline is if they decide to get social services involved, im not worried for me but what effect it could have on my son, unfortunately my ex has obviously got a screw loose because even after everything he has done, can you believe he is now taking me to court for custody/access of the boys, so caffcass are now going to be involved of which i am glad of as then the boys can say exactely how they are feeling, the problem is the court date is not untill the 13th of august, and i believe that caffcass have a backlog of cases so it could be a while before my boys get to speak to them.

I have also last night as you mentioned suggested that both boys write down their feeling, either on their own or together, they said they would'nt want me to read it, i presume thats because they would'nt want to upset me with the way they are feeling, they are still thinking about this, my eldest son has spoken to his brother as they get on very well, (there is only 15 months between them) my eldest said that his brother has said that he does'nt ever want to speak to or see his dad again, he has told him that he is scared of his dad and does'nt think that his dad has ever loved them, he told his brother that if his dad loved them he would not have done all the things he has done, to hear this breaks my heart, no child should think that their parent doesnt love them.

Thanks for taking time to read this. xxxxxxxxx

Your stbx and mine must be related!

Whilst my stbx hasn't behaved quite as badly as yours from a physical point of view, he has also filed for residence of our children on the grounds of my mental ill health and violence (all lies) and we are going through the process at the moment. Please don't worry yourself about this too much - I am very confident he is not going to win although as we share residency at the moment, there is every possiblity that they will maintain the status quo. Yes, as you point out, CAFCASS have a massive waiting list - we had the report ordered on 1st April, due 29th July but it was put back to 15th September. I have at least now had the opportunity to speak with a CAFCASS officer and we have a date booked for her to speak to the boys. The officer has made it clear to me that she considers the current arrangement to be unsatisfactory so I am hopeful we will get things back on an even keel very soon...but not holding my breath as she hadn't had the misfortune to speak with the stbx at that point!

Keep doing your best for your children - you clearly are. You can do nothing else. Providing them with security and a sense of who they are is very important and they will thank you for it in the end.