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Hard pornography addiction

  • PMW
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09 Mar 08 #16243 by PMW
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Has anyone any experience of how this can impact on contact with an addict father?

My children see their dad at least 12 hours per week on average excluding family days out and other meetings as a family at school events etc. Both children love their dad and I am trying to balance their relationship needs and the risks to them. I have therefore restricted contact to daytime only due to my husband's activities. I have proof that he downloaded porn whilst the children were in his sole care during some evenings and some daytimes prior to separation. He claims he has not done this since separation.

For 15 years he has lied to me nearly daily. I am the only one in the world that knows the true extent of his activities. Much of the evidence is not now available. I have done my best to protect the children aged 7 and 11 from his behaviour and to my knowledge they have no idea what he does, although our daughter was exposed to hard porn when she was 8 due to my husband removing protective filters to enable him to access pornography.

His statement in response to mine sounds very plausible and I am very scared that the children will see some of the terrible things I have seen (whilst checking up on my husband), images I wish I had never seen;they will be with me for the rest of my life. My husband claims he has not downloaded anything illegal and so far nothing illegal has been found. He has however downloaded incest stories.

His statement refers to my obsession with his porn use and very cleverly suggests I may have had an interest in the porn itself. What I am guilty of is collecting proof that would otherwise not be available, behind his back.

The whole is very much more complicated but if anyone has any experience of this please let me know.

  • Donnylass
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09 Mar 08 #16246 by Donnylass
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My heart goes out to you. My stbx has the same addiction. My children are older + have helped me 'dump' pages of his history as evidence. At least when he tries to use our own computer he is unable to as I set up the internet lock-I told him the sex addicts anonymous site had advised me to do it!!!

I can understand your concern for your children + you are clearly doing your upmost to protect them by limiting their visits to daytime hrs. Perhaps you could explain to your children that not everything on the Net is nice for children + that not all computers have a filter or block on it. You could say that Daddys computer doesn't have this facility + you would be very sad if they saw things that made them unhappy. The best thing for them would therefore be to only use their own computer at home as it's a safe + friendly one?

You are not alone.

  • NotMyIdea
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09 Mar 08 #16248 by NotMyIdea
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You don't say what kind of hardcore he's into; if he's a paedophile, you can have the police confiscate his computer. They will find the images you have not been able to find, which can then be used to demonstrate that your children are in danger.

In the meantime, you tell them they are not allowed to use their father's computer as it is for his work. If there is any problem with the computer as a result of their touching it, he could lose his job, you lose your child maintenance, and they could lose the roof over their heads. Scaring them with something tangible and real is far more likely to work than telling them not to touch it because they might see bad stuff on it. I remember being a kid. I remember how kool "bad" stuff was. As I recall, that's just an open invitation for the kids to play with it when unsupervised, either on a dare or to be "kool".

  • megan
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09 Mar 08 #16264 by megan
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I would be very concerned about the incest stories.If you have seriouse concerns you should speak to a social worker.They could asses the level of risk.
This is not porn which I can understand you would not want to be seen by your children but they may be able to be protected against.
Incest is child abuse you must think carefully about their protection.
Sorry to worry you futher but their safety must come first

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