Babysitting whilst having access

My 20 month old son was seeing his dad every Friday afternoon, which I agreed to extend to overnight and back on Saturday. His dad then wanted every other weekend which I also agreed to.

He has changed 3 weekends saying that he has social commitments and so, stupidly I agreed to.

He also mentioned that he was unable to find a babysitter for my son.

I'm afraid that I hit the roof and said that under no circumstances is he to leave our son with a babysitter that I dont know. Also, that as he has him for only 4 nights a month, I believe it is the least he can do to be there. I also said that I am going to review the whole access arrangement.

He has responded by saying that if I dont allow him to continue then he will go for having our son for 6 months of the year and that I can kiss goodbye to my maintenance.

I dont want to send my son away to him and his new girlfriend with out being 100% sure that he is the one doing the caring, but don't want to be seen as obstucting his access.

What do I do?

nice little threat he has , so he has him for 4 nights per month and may need a babysitter, hmmmm then comes back with the i will go for having him for 6 months , how will he survive with no social life for 6 months.I can't see this happening he wants you to play the game by his rules.

I think you are right to stick to your position with a child so small. It seems to me that your ex is more interested in 'ownership', i.e. having your son in his possession, than actual contact with him.

What exactly does he mean by having your son six months of the year? Literally that would never be granted by a court. For an older child alternate weeks is a possibility, but only if parents are co-operating better than you are.

Try and stay calm (I know it's difficult when your child is involved). Stick to the access arrangements as they are at the moment and see what happens. If he moves weekends around then it's a pain for you but better than him leaving your son with someone else.

If he tries to go to court to get more time with your son then you will be expected to try mediation, which might help him to see why you are so worried about your son being left with a stranger. If mediation doesn't work then you will be able to explain your worries to the CAFCASS people who are there to protect your child's interests.

You might want to think about offering your ex more frequent contact for shorter periods, as this is in any case more appropriate for a young child than long infrequent contact periods.

best wishes,
Sadie

These men urghhh
I would not worry cos contact and maintainance are sep issues, maybe he thinks he is buying the right to see your child
my x2b is the same never seen or contacted my2 for over 7 months and keeps giving csa the run around.... but they will catch up and then we,ll see i bet when he thinks can pay less if has contact hell be coming on to see them well he will have to go to court now and thats me protecting my very stable kids its been hard work but they ok about it now, so no way is he undoing all that its not fair on them,
My kids are my priority full stop
so dont listen to his pathetic threats
looby

Hi,

I wouldn't worry about his threats - they are just a power struggle. You don't get automatic rights as a mother if you are married but you are sure in a very strong position with your child being so young... sit tight, do nothing unless you are totally comfortable with it.

It takes ages for things to get to court - ask him to put it in writing that he couldn't find a babysitter when it was "his" weekend and see how he shrinks from that because he will!

I totally understand your frustration - I have not been in your situ but fret not.

What a lot of us parents do not realise is that it is not the right of the parent to see the child - it is the right of the child to have access to the parent! Now, when it involves such a young child that can be debatable as they cannot speak for themselves.

Enjoy your little boy - they are such a delight at that age and try not to worry too much or get into fraught exchanges with your ex - it is his way of getting at you - stay calm and I would go with the suggestion above of shorter access visits - say half a day or a day - much more comfortable I would think for you - this way you are not denying access and the courts will not see this as unreasonable. KEEP A RECORD OF HOW MUCH ACCESS!!

Good luck - keep on this site and let us know how you get on...

i guess if he kept to the overnight thing on a regular night then would it be reasonable if he rang you in advance once in a while and asked if he could swap the night?
I dont agree with the babysitter that you dont know. He needs to wise up there. Like Liz said his threats are bollox.

steve

am horrified...

i get every other weekend and its the only time in my life when i feel like being alive. he clearly doesn't have a clue about what is in his childs best interests. You were right to hir the roof. keep being flexible if you can - my x2b sees flexibility as a one way street and although i can never rearrange my weekends or weekdays - x2b says its then or not at all - he needs to appreciate that during access he has only one priority

hope things improve
x