Initial Residency Hearing - advice, please

Hi all

Initial hearing Wed next week; stbx requesting sole RO on grounds that I've previously threatened not to give our daughter 'back' (not true and there was never a contact agreement in place when this was alleged to have happened; I saw the bairn whenever, but hey ho). Since papers were served I've been reunited with the bairn for a strictly limited number of hours a week which she's resolutely refused to increase but no reasons are ever given, contact's been stopped, restarted, increased for a number of days over Xmas, then recently stopped again. Again, no reasons have ever been given as to why. It's been hell on earth but I've gotten through - just.

I'm self-repping on grounds of cost but my solicitor has broadly given me two options: a) contest the need for an order as I'm not seeking to impinge on the bairn's living arrangements, nor indeed her relationship with her mother (much as I now truly hate my stbx the bairn doesn't, and I want her to have good, loving relationships with us both as it's her interests that are paramount - why can't some parents SEE that?), or b) agree there and then to an order but request that additional contact is built into it.

I'm very worried about what the implications might be to each as I'm no lawyer and have never been in this position before. I've also no idea what objections she might dream up on the day but she'd be shooting herself in the foot to try and claim poor parenting on my part, given her pattern of restricting then allowing, wouldn't she? There's never been any letter from her solicitor outlining any concerns, as well there shouldn't be as I'm a good dad. The thought of dealing with experienced solicitors is also filling me with anxiety and I'm scared I might mess up on the day, or indeed, fall apart, which isn't going to look good.

God, I wish this was all over. Anyone have any experience of this stage or advice?

Cheers and best to you all

Hi Carter,
Ok, I recently won a case for shared residence and the judgement was awarded almost purely to take control away from my ex who was persistantly blocking contact.
If you allow her application to go ahead uncontested then you may be handing control straight back to her.

The principle of shared contact is that both parents have an equal footing in their childs life and for that reason I totally support shared residency and believe that it should be a starting point in any family court proceedings.

Your quest seems to be one of securing contact and if you think that a shared residency order would help secure your contact by prising control away from your ex then go for it.

Since I gained the SR order my ex has not once even hinted at blocking contact so it seems to have worked in my case but it's not a sure fire way to secure contact.
I suppose my ex came to the conclusion that if she continued with her actions after the SR order that she may lose residency altogether.
If you only contest the need for the order and she's awarded it she may see it as the court giving her free reign to do as she pleases or if no order is made she may just contine anyway.


I would if I were you apply for a shared residency order with extended contact, what have you got to lose?
Best of luck.

Thanks for your reply, Tom

Neither I nor my sol think SR's an option, realistically for a variety of reasons - on a pragmatic level I've only a small, one-bedroom flat and no means to improve on this for the forseeable future (stbx went bankrupt nearly a year back leaving me with all the shared debt, including the huge shortfall on the then repossessed house, which means I've probably no option but to go BR myself at some point). Also, following concerns of mine about her parenting (never wilful abuse, mind) she initiated abuse and the accusations started flying thick and fast, and I'm not sure how, if ever, I can prove them false (never any in respect to the bairn, though, although that was a recurrent threat before the final split; "I'll just say this and you'll never see her again", etc - might sound familiar to a lot on here).

I'm very worried indeed about her control; she's always had a huge sense of entitlement, like the world has to revolve around her. I feel like all the odds are stacked against me, I'll be honest.

Hi, I'm in agreement with Tom, go for shared residence nothing to lose. Don't be worried about self-repping either, had to do the same and was intially very worried about being up against her solicitor but in the end it's not about the specifics of law but about the children and you know them better than any solicitor. The judges usually deal quite well with those self-repping, giving you more time to respond and explain yourself. My ex insisted on altenate weekends (the standard) I requested 50:50 shared residency and got minimum 2 nights per week shared residence. So try to optimistic and don't feel intimidated by her solicitor. Above all remember it's not about you, whenever you speak to the judge relate what you want to how it benefits the kids. And if at all possible avoid mudslinging, no need to portray your ex as the bad one to get shared residency. And good luck

Don't worry about the finances standing in the way, my ex's solictor repeatedly brought up the issue of money and was instructed by the judge not to mention money, income or debt again. Finances should not be discussed in the family court, they are seperate matters. And a one bedroom flat is big enough for shared residence as you can stae your daughter can have your room when she stays and you'll get a sofa-bed.
As for any accusations, she should have to prove them true before they can taken into consideration (although it's still likely to influence the decision in some way)

I thought the same way Carter,
You just wouldn't believe the allegations my ex made, and I really didn't have much chance to prove her wrong.
But I didn't have to in the end.
The onus was on her to prove the allegations were true.
The courts hear allegations of abuse day after day in most child contact cases and unless she has documented proof in the way of police reports etc: then really she's just pizzing into the wind.
Regarding you're chances of shared contact being hindered because you only have one bedroom?, forget it.
I only had one bedroom when I was awarded shared residence and unless your daughter is 10 or 12 yrs old then it's not going to be a factor.

Ok,
heres an abstract from the judgement in my SR case, (my ex had also applied for full residence.

Quote:
As to the issue of shared residence, as I have indicated earlier in this judgement, the father has had the utmost difficulty in getting to the stage where he is having the contact that he is having.
The father expressed it to me in this way in his evidence to me.

" I do think there should be a shared residence order awarded because that is what is needed.
I want the mother and father to get on well for

---

(childs) sake.
My daughter doesn't know the difference between one court order and another, she just wants to spend more time with her dad.The mother is like a child who does not want to "share her dolly",.
She surely cannot be allowed to continue down this path, she's not "lending

---

(child)" to me."

"I have read the mothers psychological report and I agree with the broad assessment of the father that the mother wishes to retain total control, and is in effect, lending out the child to the father for contact.
In my Judgement something ought to be done to order that mindset, and the legal way to do that is by the imposition of a shared residency order"

He went on to say,
"The order can have the additional advantage of conveying the courts message that niether parent is in control and that the court expects parents to cooperate with eachother for the benefit of their children"

Such a beautifull piece of writing there Tom, I like your judge already.

I didn't think I had a hope in hell of getting the order I got. I initially believed that the courts would listen to everything the mother said and were naturally biased in their favour. That does appear to have changed somewhat though,and shared parenting is "coming into fasion" so to speak. Don't be put of by the idea that the father doesn't stand a chance, you really do.