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is contact always best?

  • spyder
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25 Mar 08 #17680 by spyder
Topic started by spyder
I dont know where to start. X lives abroad, we are still married as I cannot divorce him yet. He pays no maintenance towards kids but speaks on skype most weeks. He left me for new partner, half his age. He has now told me he is arriving next week and wants to take kids to see his family. Two of his brothers are drug dealers and his mother has been sending very nasty letters to my mum and myself about how to bring up children.

He wants me to drive 250 miles with kids, hand over my car keys and give him the kids and the car (which he wont give me any money for), so he can drive back to Eastern Europe with the car. I need to get rid of the car so that isn't a problem really.

trouble is i will be stuck in london with 3 kids and a dog, no way to get back home. My daughter is diabetic and on a completely new insulin regime that he knows nothing about, and the hospital have advised us she needs to stay close during the changeover of medication. He is a useless father and is only doing this cos his mum wants to see kids.

My mum is really upset and says I am allowing him to walk all over me again. She has helped me no end and I dont want to hurt her feelings. I also think the kids need to see their father. What do I do??

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26 Mar 08 #17732 by IKNOWNOW
Reply from IKNOWNOW
Hi Spyder

In my personal opinion I think you need to take control of this situation.

Contact is for the benefit of the children, not the parent.

I think you have a genuine reason to keep your children in this country owing to your daughter's medical condition. You don't say how old your children are or how long it has been since they saw their father but I think that you would be justified in telling him that he needs to see them in an environment which they are familiar with and where your daughter can receive adequate medical attention should she need it.

As the mother you ultimately control the situation. The children's father would need to seek a court order if he was not happy with contact arrangements. If your husband's mother is that desperate to see her grandchildren she could come to this country to visit them.

Obvioulsly I am not aware of your personal situation but you have to feel comfortable with the situation.

The fact that he doesn't pay maintenance is sadly irrelevant with regards to contact but it shows me what little regard he seems to have for his children.

I think that you know what you want to do in this situation, you are just looking for someone to tell you that you are in fact acting in your children's best interests and not in fact putting barriers in the way of your husband seeing his children.

I hope you can find the strength to do what you feel is right for your children and your peace of mind.

Regards, Sarah

  • sexysadie
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26 Mar 08 #17748 by sexysadie
Reply from sexysadie
I agree with Sarah. Contact is usually a good thing but it is for the benefit of the children not the parent.

Whatever the situation in the longer term, if the hospital has advised you that your daughter should stay close to you and them while her medication is being changed, then that must take priority over everything else. So you must tell your husband that if he wants to see the children during the next few weeks then he has to come to them and stay locally. If his family want to see them then they will have to do the same.

Once your daughter's insulin regime is stable then it might be another matter, but, again, you need to take control a bit here. For a start, if he wants the car, why can't he come and get it on the train, rather than expecting you and the children to drive all that way?

I think the other question is, how much do you trust him to bring the children back again if he takes them out of the country? If you don't, then you shouldn't let him do it.

Best wishes,


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