A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

Don't be bullied

  • rubytuesday
  • rubytuesday's Avatar
  • Moderator
  • Moderator
14 Jul 11 #277946 by rubytuesday
Reply from rubytuesday
Fiona wrote:

Just because the experiences of Developesense are different from Forseti doesn't makes them any less valid.

I agree - and would very much like Developesense to share his experiences of helping people through the court system.

  • Developesense
  • Developesense's Avatar
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
14 Jul 11 #277952 by Developesense
Reply from Developesense
Butnotnow wrote:

Adding my pennies worth here but from two years in the courts there is some merit to treading carefully in how you approach things in court, if I went in demanding this and that at the beginning I have little doubt the contact I eventually managed to obtain would not have happened.

One tip I will give anyone self repping (or not) is to always consider the weight that courts seem to put behind the residents parents well being, even if the RP's behaviour is less than ideal it should not be underestimated or dismissed and can suggest a lack of compassion on the NRP's side. Having had to deal with a very good story teller these last few years I have learned to tread very carefully in how I respond, many times I have simply accepted her nonsense and stayed firmly focused on the longer term goal of increasing contact and getting stability in the whole, rather than prove who is more in the right.

it is simply that creating additional pressure in the main home by pushing the Ex is not considered in a childs best interests, winning a point might be something one feels is a way of getting one over your Ex but at what long term cost to a child?

Keep firmly focused on contact matters, don't get into a tit for tat battle, and do not be seen to cause unnecessary stress for the resident parent (I know its not fair but thats life sometimes)


Excellent post imho.

  • TBagpuss
  • TBagpuss's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
14 Jul 11 #277961 by TBagpuss
Reply from TBagpuss
I too have concerns about some of this advice, and particularly the way it is put:

understand that their application is theirs, and entitles them to run the hearing at their own speed. If you need to leave the room to discuss something with your McKenzie, ask for an adjournment and do so. Don't be bullied into agreeing anything which is not in your child's interests


The applciation may be yours, but the timscale is set by the court, not by either party. Yes, if you need advice you can ask for a short adjournment, but don't expect to be able to dictate to the court what the speed of the case will be. And be aware that while the corut is generally likelyy to be sympathetic if you need 5-10 minutes to take advise about new developments, you will be expected to have prepared properly for any hearing

Don't apply for or accept 'contact' when what your child really needs is shared residence


By all means apply for shared residence if you wish. But focus on the content not the label. Shared Residence does not automatically mean that the children will sepend more time with you. Sometimes it makes better sense to concertrate your energies on achieving the right balance of time with both parents, rather than using up a lot of time and money fighting over what the arrangement will be called

Don't accept contact in a contact centre (especially supervised) when there is no evidence that you represent a threat to your child.

This depends.As others have said, any contact is better than none. I would certianly agree that contact in a contact centre as a final order is very rarely appropriate, but getting to a substantive hearing takes time, and during that it is better for your child to have contact with you than not. I would never recommend to a client where there were no major concerns that they should accept contact at a contact centre indefinately; but sometimes refusing a contact centre = refusing ANY interim contat, and that is where you are in a position of cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Don't let anyone extort money from you just so you can see your own child for 2 hours a month.

Not sure what is meant by this one. DEfinitely cotnact and maintenace are separate issues. It's wholly wrong for any resident parent to try to make contatct conditional on payment of child support, it is eqully worong for any non resident parent to withold support, even if contacgt is not taking place.

Don't give detailed responses to allegations in a Scott Schedule when its only purpose is to add delay and the allegations amount to nothing more than the normal ebb and flow of imperfect parenting


I am quite concerned about this piece of advice.
Regardless ofthe motivation behind an expartner seeking a finding of fact, if the COURT has directed that there is a finding of fact you need to ensure that you give the court the information needed to allow the Judge to make an informed decision. If a specific allegation is trivial it may be that your response can be quite brief, but it does need to address the allegation made. Since response to a Scott Schedule will be timetabled, answering will not delay matters. Not answering, or not responding to the specific allegations made significantly increases the liklihood that findigns of fact will be made against you which are likely to make it harder to secure the conntact or residene you are seeking.

Don't wait for a long delayed finding of fact hearing when you ought to be at the court on a Monday morning applying for an ex parte order for interim contact.

It depends. Interim contact is usually, but not always apropriate. This is the kind of situation where putting up with a contact centre may be in your interests. If allegations have been raised which suggest that there is, or may be, risk to children then any court is going ot proceed with caution. You may think, or know, that the allegations made are false, the court doesn't, and won't, until the fact finding has taken place.

Don't delay getting a prohibited steps order when your ex has just asked you for the children's passports and has bought a new set of luggage


If you have genuine, good reason to belive that your ex is planning to permanently leave the country, yes, absolutely.
If s/he is simply planning a holiday, this kind of application is wholly inappropriate and makes you look as though your focus is contrl, rather than the interests of the children.

Get in there, assert your child's right to have you fully involved in their life and make whatever application is appropriate. Then follow it through. Do it this Monday morning. Take control of your life

Don't rush to court without trying other routes. You and your ex have to parent your children for the rest of their lives, bad blood between you is going to impact on your children. Think very carefully about the negatives as well as the positives for your child BEFORE you act - Of course childnre should have relationships with both parents, but these can't be isolated from the relationship, good or bad, which the parents have with each other. Weigh the benfits of extra time with you against the harm caused by a more resentful, hostile parent.
This isn't to say that applications should never be made, nor that non-resident paretns should nto make efforts to continue to be hands on paretns, but do try to look at the bigger picture for your children, as well as the narrow one of how many hours they spend with each of you.

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11