Acceptable contact for a newborn baby?

Hi,
I'm new on here, so bare with me. I'll give you some background : My partner and I have recently split, I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and am worrying about contact when by little boy is born. My ex walked out on both of me (both of us as far as I'm concerned) 4 weeks ago, packed his bags, threw them out the bedroom window and left. Said he could no longer deal with my bad moods, treating him wrong, pushing him away , can I just say I'm not usually like this, but I've not long lost my dad, and dealing with pregnancy hormones, (I've been referred for grief counselling, have depression), I wasn't the best person to be around unfortunately, but I expected him to understand and stay and help me. He chose to leave.

Now then, he's saying he'll help with the baby, but my issue is I've had nothing but trouble with this pregnancy and he isn't helping me now, he's gone and left me to deal with it all alone, he doesn't ask how the baby is, or how I am. He wants to come to the scans and the birth, but I said No. I've tried so hard to get him to give me another chance, but he won't budge, says he doesn't love me anymore, and his feelings won't ever change and he won't go backwards. I don't know what to do, feel like I'm stuck in a corner, thinking I have to go through this alone, yet I have to be nice to him and allow him to come to the scans, the birth, be part of his sons life, atm I'm angry, cause he's made a mockery of everything I believed in, and I don't want him to see his son.
I know he isn't born yet, but I'm so worried that he'll turn up when he wants to and tell me he wants to see him, wants to take him out, wants to take him to his parents, away, to his house overnight, I don't know who to speak to for advice, without sounding like I'm being difficult I'm not trying to be, but there's no way I am going to part with a newborn baby for any length of time, any help from people who have been through similar, greatly appreciated.

Hi there,

Firstly welcome to wiki. im sorry to hear of your situation but you are not alone. There are many people who are going through similar situations on here, some who have come out the other side and some still going through it.

The first thing id say to you is to calm down and stop thinking too far ahead. These are very early days for you, so right now id just concerntrate on surrounding yourself with people who care about you...hows about..family...friends? Talk to them and try not to be on your own too much.

Your partner has walked away from you when you need his support the most...it hurts, its painful, and you will be angry...these feelings are very natural. you will go through many different stages.

No need to think too far ahead atm, just rest assured you now have a world of support and advice at your fingertips, and as for your ex...his choice was to leave...you are only young and will get through this stage of your life...you have to for your children and unborn.

Im sure you will get plenty of support on here..great bunch of ppl.

Keep in touch

DA

Hi

Welcome to wiki Singlegirl, sorry you find yourself here.
I think you should stop worrying about what may happen later and concentrate on the here and now, you really need to look after yourself and your little bump right now. As you say your hormones will be all over the place so dont worry about making any big decisions at the moment and if you don't feel comfortable with him being at scans or the birth don't let him.
I'm sorry he wasn't there for you when you needed him most but maybe it is better you have found out now rather than later.
I hope you have some supportive friends and family to turn to, no one will think you are being difficult so dont be scared to ask for help. You will always find support here, no need to feel alone.

Please Take Care

Milli.x

Hello,
sorry to read your story. My ex husband left me in the very early stages of pregnancy with our third child (who is now 18 months old) for another woman. I also lost my dad, quite suddenly, a couple of months after my ex walked out (he was diagnosed and died within those months) so had that to deal with as well. Needless to say, my ex wasn't supportive at all, such was his guilt and his (continued) inability to face up to his responsiblities. It was very difficult whilst pregnant and the worries I had were very similar so please know you're not alone.

I think what you first need to do is give yourself some space to come to terms with the end of the relationship. It is quite common for new dads to feel scared and run (or so I'm told) so you might find after a few months he re-considers and asks to come back. I don't want to give you false hope, however, and certainly I lived those first 9 months thinking he'd come to his senses when the baby was born, but he never has. If anything, the guilt he's carrying has made him go the opposite way, but that's not helpful for you now!

You're still quite early in the pregnancy. I would give some serious consideration to having him at the birth - my ex never asked and if I'm honest, I would have said no if he had asked but when it came down to it, I'd have given anything to have him there. Not so much for me, but for the baby, who has missed out on so much compared with his brothers in relation to his dad (and even writing that upsets me, so many months later). But I also know that if I'd relied on him being there, he'd have let me down so it was probably all for the best. And certainly, when I called to say he'd been born, he didn't pick up the phone. So just give it some thought and have at least 2 back up plans!

If you're not married, your partner will only have parental responsiblity by turning up when you register the birth. That is something you both need to consider. If he doesn't have parental responsiblity, in the eyes of the law (I think), he wouldn't get the right to just take the baby as he's the father (legal peeps might correct me on that one - worth asking for advice on if you see a solicitor).

My story is a long one around paternity which I won't go into here. But I registered my ex as the father because we were still married at the time and I could do this. We were in court anyway as he was trying for shared residence of our other two children, so the baby was just added to the case when born. He didn't get to just take him away at will, and you don't have to allow that so don't worry. We were subject to court undertakings to stay away from each other which were still in place when the baby was born so he didn't get the opportunity to do anything until about 8 weeks after he was born other than stand on teh doorstep. This was his own doing - a result of his lies - and it's a long story! I tried to get him to meet me in public so he could have contact with the baby from day one but it took him until he was 7 months old to agree to do that. He did try sending some pretty aggressive solicitor's letters about contact but they were batted back - and I was backed up at the time because a) I was breastfeeding and b) the swine flu epidemic was at its height and both the NHS and the NCT gave clear guidelines that breastfeeding babies should not be separated from mum. But that was luck for me and ultimately, probably made it harder for me to give him up when I had to. Sooner rather than later is probably best.

In the meantime, we were dealt with by CAFCASS who recommended that dad see the baby on a 'little and often' basis which in reality, transferred in practise to 2 afternoons a week when he had the other two, and then additional afternoons every other weekend when he had the others. Breastfeeding gives you some 'protection' in terms of how early the child could be taken from you to spend more than an hour or so with dad - but by 6 months, really, he needs to be seeing him. CAFCASS recommended overnights from 13 months which has worked fine - although the ex did refuse to return him once when he was 10 months (another long story!). You also need to bear in mind that the baby needs some familiarity with dad by 9 months as that's when 'separation anxiety' kicks in and if he doesn't know dad, it will make it dreadful for all of you.

I could go on but won't bore everyone here with the details as they've heard it all before! Please, please, please PM me if you want any advice or support. I am around most days at some point and am happy to talk. ((((hugs)))) you'll be fine and it will all work out in the end xxx

Thanks guys. I know I shouldn't be looking at the future, but I can't seem to help it atm. Just worried about him trying to take my baby away from me, and like I said, as far as I'm concerned, I've tried to get him to give things a go, but he won't budge, and he walked out on baby, when he left me.
I will try to calm down though, as I'm making myself ill with the stress of it all. Just wish it wasn't so hard. Good to know there is help out there though and people that won't judge me.
x

My advice would be not to put his name on the Birth Certificate when you register the birth. Was the worst thing I ever did.
If I were you I would do some serious research in to this.........am sure everyone on here will help you.

x

peppa, with all due respect, I don't believe that denying a child the right to have their father's name on their birth certficiate is acceptable. It is just setting up the child for a childhood fraught with difficulties between his parents, anger, resentment etc. etc. etc. We all need to know where were came from, even when where we came from is less than desireable.

The orginal poster hasn't suggested at any point that her partner/ex partner is in anyway 'unsuitable' as a father. She has not mentioned violence, anger, drug or alcohol abuse to name all the usual suspects that MIGHT justify keeping a baby away from his father. What I have understood from her post, however, is that she is very hurt at the way her partner has left her (not unreasonably), is trying to get over the death of her father, and is now fearful that if all goes 'wrong', her partner can walk in and take the child from her. Her natural reaction is to want to stop dad from seeing baby. I think many of us can empathize with that but it's not acceptable, in by far the majority of cases, to go down this route. It's no different for a baby than it is for a child or young person. We all deserve a relationship with BOTH our parents. The sensibilities and sensitivities that need to be considered when dealing with a newborn and mum are, however, very different to that of dealing with an older child when a relationship has broken down.

As someone who seriously considered leaving her ex off the birth certficiate and who was, very sensitively, told to face up to her responsiblities by a large number of wikis at the time (they all know who they are), I can safely say that the original poster WON'T get support which seeks to deny the father of the baby his name on a birth certificate or sideline his relatinoship with his child.