Maintaining my relationship with children

STBX has totally knocked me for six. Found out from the kids that new partner had stayed over at the weekend. I had no idea there was a new partner. Kids had never met him before that night. Cannot believe that she thought that was anything like appropriate but she turned it all around that she had informed the kids in advance and asked if it was OK. What are they gonna say aged 5 and 8? And its nothing to do with me after nearly 20 years together. How dare I question what she does. Been separated a year. I accept that but there is common decency and trying to spare someone''s feelings that my stbx doesn''t seem to have anymore. so my kids witnessed my anger and minor breakdown last night and I really didn''t want them to. She could have spared them that but chose to go about it this way.

Anyway my head is now swimming with thoughts about what the future holds and naturally if I am to be replaced as the male figure in my kids'' lives. My wife works steady 9-5 but I work shifts and off different days each week. In statements of arrangements for children and attempts at mediation we agreed to be flexible about contact and so far this has worked. I have the kids roughly 2 nights per week.

This new partner lives 2hrs drive away in the same town as STBXs family. I hope I am wrong but I am now envisaging her upping and moving. I was concerned about it before but now it seems very likely. Kids would be devastated and so would I but sadly I cannot believe that would make any difference. This would make contact so difficult as term time I''d get to see them once in four or five weekends. I hadn''t spent any time away from them until stbx decided after 20 years of consideration and 2 childrens lives ruined that I wasn''t what she wanted after all. I even worked part time for two years for childcare reasons so there was no distinction between us as parents/carers.

Can I stop this happening if it comes to it? Would a shared residence order help my situation? Can a contact order accomodate a shift pattern like mine? Any advice welcome for a broken hearted Dad who is fearing the worst.

My advice to you would be to calm down and stop panicking.

Your ex-wife''s new partner stayed over for one weekend. She is right: this is none of your business. Of course you don''t like it but it is her life and she warned the children in advance. You have been separated for a year, so it''s not as if he appeared immediately.

What is your business, and your responsibility, is that you showed your anger and upset to the children. However upset you are, you have to not do this. It''s hard, but you have to just grit your teeth and say you hope they liked him. We all do it (my ex is now back with the woman he had an affair with several years before the end of our marriage but the children don''t know that and tell me how lovely she is) even if we don''t want to.

You have no idea what your ex''s plans are. She may quite possibly want to stay where she is, at least for now. If she does decide to move at some point, then you can apply for a prohibited steps order. However, if she were able to show that she had good plans for maintaining your contact with the children (maybe by you having them for more time in the holidays, for example) then you might not win this - it is generally accepted that people should be allowed to move on with their lives.

Best wishes,
Sadie

Sexysadie, Thanks for replying and I agree with you to a point. I am not objecting to her finding someone else at all and that bit is none of my business. I object to the way it was done and I will never be persuaded that it is right for a new partner to be introduced to the kids and stop that very same night. What sort of an example is that? It would have been courteous to let me know so I could have dealt with it without the kids present. The last 20 years meant something to me so I think it is a sign I am only human for being emotional when I heard. I think it is my business who is stopping under the same roof as my kids. I don''t expect a night by night account but a new male suddenly appears and I have never heard of him. I don''t think that''s too much to ask. Divorce shouldn''t mean dropping all form of consideration for the other party surely? STBX says its no big deal when I see it as one of the biggest deals ever. And I know if roles were reversed she would have plenty to say.

Hereshopin - it''s none of your business. Or at least that''s how it''s seen by many. My ex introduced the children to the ''other woman'' just 8 days after walking out and told them to keep it a secret from me. It was''t right, no. Is there any comeback from that kind of behaviour? No, not really.

You just have to get on with it. You can''t control who your ex sees or who sleeps under her roof, any more than she can do the same for you. Sometimes it takes a bit of...putting yourself in that situation to be able to see the bigger picture. Do you really want to have to tell your ex when you''re introducing a new partner to your children? the first night she stays over? do you really want to be having to get her permission to move on with your life?

We all have to deal with that horrible feeling that we''re being replaced by another person, whichever side of the fence we are sitting on. You''ll always be the children''s dad. it is better that your children get on with any new man and that he is a positive influence on their lives rather than they don''t like him and rebel against it.

(((Hugs)))

Please don''t get me wrong and think I want to control my stbx in any way. She can do whatever she wishes and see whoever she wishes. However I look at it I still believe I have a right to be told about who is seeing my kids. When they get introduced to my new partner it will be in a controlled way and step by step. And I (rightly or wrongly) believe I have a moral obligation to inform the stbx when that happens as it is a significant event in OUR children''s lives. And I''m a decent human being who respects other people''s feelings and tries not to hurt anyone.

It would have been courteous to let you know, but having Parental Responsibility means each parent can make unilateral decisions about what activities children do and who they meet in"their" time. Hurtful though it may be you need to think of the long term. There is very little more damaging than the devastation to children when parents argue about or involve third parties in their disputes.

You have a right to know who is sharing a house when your children are there. You''ve been separeted for a year..big deal..I''m sure if the shoe was on the other foot she''d be going mental.

Giving notice to a 5 and 8 year old that mummies boy friend is staying over is not giving them notice. Its short sighted and desperate and will cause huge amount of anxiety..there are better ways of dealing with the introdcution of others and hearing mummy and her BF making hay isn''t the way forward.

As to saying ''you hoped they liked him'' I suggest you say nothing. This has liitle to do with her moving on its got more to do with making a point and doing it in an insensitive way.

You did the right thing Hereshopin.