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mediation and looking forward

  • chatsworth08
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22 Mar 12 #319519 by chatsworth08
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hi everyone, can someone give me some advice please, i have recently gone to mediation to try and get to see my son on a more regular basis. the ex has agreed, so we went and last june i told my son off for throwing a book when it came through the door. to cut a long story short, i asked him not to do that as it nearly hit me in the head. he was just playing but i told him off. he didnt like it and came over to me and totally out of character started kicking and hitting me while i was sat down on the arm chair. i told him to stop, but he wouldnt so i put him on the naughty chair and before i could let go of him he was at me again. so i walked into the kitchen so he would calm down.
5 minutes later he wanted to go home and because his mum lets him go home when he wants i took him home. hes nearly 5 years old.
when he got home he told his mum i pushed him and hurt his back which is an out and out lie. i told her what happened and i have even appologised to my son because for a week afterwards he wouldnt come to visit me.

i have since last june seen him 2 or 3 times a week on a regular basis and on the odd occasion he hasnt come over because he doesnt want to.

now its 9 months later and i havnt seen my son for the last 6 weeks, only when i have gone round to her house and asked if he was coming to my house every saturday.

the ex has brought this up at mediation, mediation listened to her and i again explained what happened and its been normal ever since. when we and my son have a dissagreement we scrumple it up and throw it in the bin. its dealt with and done and dusted there and then. it hasnt been mentioned since. at the end of last year i asked the ex to go to mediation to get more time with my son and my son did mention its not done and dusted daddy, that what mummy says. i honestly didnt know what he was on about till he said.

i was shocked he mentioned that after so long. so im now at mediation trying to sort things out.

i didnt push my son or hurt his back at all. yet he said that last june as soon as he got home. now i have gone to mediation last week and this was brought up, mediation are or were stuck as to what to do next. so now i believe my 4 nearly 5 year old son is going to be spoken to by a chaild therapist who deals with seperated parents.

i know i havent see him for 6 weeks because hes a very strong minded boy and when he says he doesnt want to come over because its up to him, and he says he can do what he likes.

could be a good thing for someone to speak to him.?

  • WhiteRose
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22 Mar 12 #319524 by WhiteRose
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Hi Chats,

HUGS

Yes, I think its great that someone else will speak to him!

They should be able to dig out the problems.

Do you know when the appointment is or when you''ll hear about the assessment?

WR

  • chatsworth08
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22 Mar 12 #319525 by chatsworth08
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hi, will find out tomorrow when it is, weather i will be there or/and his mother.

its a shame he could say things like that. i only put him on the naughty chair that was all.
i would never hurt anyone let alone my son.
to bring something up like this 9 months later after having lots of contact with him is ridiculouse.

dont know why?

  • MissTish1
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22 Mar 12 #319545 by MissTish1
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Hi Chats,

The problem is that he is permitted by his mother to control things, because she has controlled contact for so long. As you know, this isn''t right, and your ex encourages him to make up his own mind on contact. We don''t know what she''s putting into his head, perhaps she has mentioned this ''incident'' again to him?

In all honesty, I don''t think it would do any harm to have a third party (ie CAFCASS) speak with your son. They are trained to tell if a child has been ''coached'', and as I''ve said before, if your ex really believed that you did push him (I know you didn''t) then surely she would have involved SS at the time? Incidents can be misconstrued, and as your son was around 4 at the time, his memory of what happened is now limited, and no doubt clouded by what your ex has been feeding him.

I know you spoke to a solicitor yesterday, and I would urge you to make her comments known in open forum so that other wise Wikis can give you their take on what''s happening here.

  • Primrosepetal
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22 Mar 12 #319557 by Primrosepetal
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Hi Chats!
I''m no expert but my partner is going through the exact same thing, only his son is 10.
This ''let the kid make up his own mind'' really does not work.
My partner has had two long years of this, it just gets worse and worse.
Your child is five he is very young to be making such a decision.
The incident of you putting him on the naughty step 10 months ago is just silly.
My partner finally had enough and is taking his wife to court next Wednesday for a defined contact order.
He spoke to one of the experts on Wiki last night, who likened the child not wanting to ''Go to the dentist, school etc'' it isn''t a good enough reason.
My partner wished he''d done something about this a long time ago, don''t let it drag on, it in your son''s best interests to have two loving homes.
Good luck!

  • Fiona
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22 Mar 12 #319563 by Fiona
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Every case is different and it does rather depend on understanding the rational behind why a child says why they don''t want to go to school or contact.

Children can be resistant to going to school because they just don''t feel like it or they are worried they might be in trouble for something they have done and it would be a foolish parent who didn''t insist they went to school. On the other hand insisting a child who is constantly bullied and/or depressed can have devastating effects. Likewise with contact, insisting upon it in certain circumstances can be counter productive and make contact impossible.

I''m not saying it is the case here but sometimes children are resistant to contact because they find it unrewarding, or they may have witnessed outbursts of temper or they have conflicts of loyalty and cling to the constant, their main carer. Other times it may because one or other parent denigrates the other. There are a multitude of reasons and possible/ probable causes attached to them, but it''s a flipped coin unless a professional can work with the family to find out the root cause of the child''s behaviour.

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22 Mar 12 #319568 by MissTish1
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Chats, Fiona is spot on. This whole business with your son has got too embroiled now, and his behaviour has been set. I know from your PM''s that you are doing your Absolute best to keep contact going and that you want nothing more than the relationship you used to have with him. You are a fantastic dad, many would have walked away with what you''ve had to put up with, but you''re determined to get through this and maintain a healthy relationship with the love of your life, you little boy.

However, mum''s influence over him is overriding everything. She has allowed him to make his own decisions for far too long now, and I don''t think things will move forward satisfactorily until professionals have worked with you all to get to the crux of the matter. I don''t think your ex will like it, one bit, because at the end of the day she has no desire to promote contact at all, but professionals will see that.

You cannot carry on as you are Chats. Something has to change and your son''s behaviour has to be addressed.

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