mediation and looking forward

thank you so much everyone. im very happy to let a child therapist at mediation speak to our son to see what going on in his mind.
the ex is saying now she wants my son to come over to me. shes telling me that and mediation, a complete change from before so she will no doubt pull the wool over their eyes as well. but i would like to think its got alot to do with both of them calling the shots. shes saying things to her mum or and frinds and hes in ear shot.
i also think this is due to my son not having substancial contact time with me. no sleepovers, holidays, just 3 hours twice a week and 8 on a saturday. he needs to get to know me so when i next go to mediation i will mention this.

however i have been phoning my son every night at 6 for the last week, sometimes he speaks and sometimes he doesnt.

so i phoned last night at 4 oclock coz his mum changes the time again. guess what...............he said hello daddy, your phoning early, and guess what again....he wanted to come over...fantastic. i picked him up and we had 2 great hours together. it was fantasic. i was over the moon because what ive been through the last 6 weeks with him not wanting to see me was distressing to say the least. but i kept up the contact.
when dropping him off he was on about me picking him up from school and going here and going there. i didnt mention picking up from school to the ex, she would have said omg youve got him for 2 hours in 6 weeks and you want to pick him up again. we cant talk when i mention things like that because she just goes into one....

but i will wait for the therapist session and see what comes of that.
more substancial time with my son must be a must. he must get used to me and my ways, not just a few hours here and there.

so now im a bit more informed and will use it at mediation and then tell my solicitor.

thanks guys. this sight is so helpfull and friendly in a positive manner that helps everyone. im so glad i never gave up on my son and believe me the last few weeks or so i have thought about walking away and thinking my son will knock on my door when hes in his teens. i never wanted that. i believe im his father and have a right to bond with my son. my son has his right to know and bond with his dad. its natural.
his mum also might be happier now she has filed for divorce this week, that remains to be seen.

but like all dads and father. your children are there because we brought them into the world. dont give up. dont give in, and dont walk away. do what you have to do to have a lovely fantastic bonding, fruitfull relationship with them.

thanks guys.
chats

Thats fab news that you got to see him, and even more that he asked about you collecting him from school, hang in there, its so worth it

Take Care
xx

hi, as you know i saw my son on thursday and aslo saturday. we had a full day back to normal. hes even asked me to pick him up from school. i asked his mum if i could pick him up from school on monday and she said yes......but she will be there, as he has played up when i have gone to get him from school she said she was working a late shift but she will get up and be there on monday at 3.15. i said ok, can you drop him off incase he does what he did before. she said no. i said its onnly 15 minutes to drop him off extra. she said i will have just done a nightshift and i will be tired. i said, stay in bed then and i will get him. she said no...i still want to see him. so in the end she wont drop him off but shes happy to get up out of bed and see my son at school being picked up by me, then go home.

can someone tell me whats going on here please. she wont drop him off stating shes done a night shift, but will get out of bed and not drop him off at my house, but if he doesnt come with me she will take him home, am i bring stupid or something. thats absolutely not helping me at all. shes seems to be going out of her way to see him and not help me even though i have offered.

is she just being awkward?

chats

Hi chatsworth
I''ve been following your story and know how distressed you were over that scene at the school. It must have felt amazing when your son asked to be with you!

Can''t think why she will get up to be at the school gate but not bring him to yours to avoid a repeat of the last time. Could it simply be she finds it hard to come to your new home but wants to see that your son is happy to go with you?

He''s been happy to come to you again, so play on that and greet him with smiles when he comes out from school. It would be better if she wasn''t there because he clearly feels divided loyalty.

Keep going as you are! Things are changing.

thanks mitchum, things are changing.
however, mediation want me and his mum to come in and discuss the "daddy argues with me" thing my son keeps saying when he doesnt come to my house when i go and pcik him up, or attempt to pick him up.

as i have said above i phoned my son last thursday and he asked to come to my house. we played with his toy story toys and looked at books as well as watching a dvd while playing with his toys and he even had a go on his wii. saying that when i returned him to his mum at 6pm, (less than 2 hours we had together) she e-mailed mediation and said my son said he was bored and daddy didnt play with him whn he was playing with his toys. all he did was watch a dvd......

how untrue is that? i told he what we did and she uses it against me only stating that we watched a dvd.
i couldnt believe the e-amil i was reading this morning. so i e-mailed mediation and told them what we did and what we did and where me and my son went on saturday when i had him from 10am till 6pm.

i have been telling her for 2 years what we have been up towhen me and my son are together....

can someone tell me this please,

why is she listening to my son when he said he only watched a dvd and i didnt play with him when we clearly did. we always do so much when we are together in such a short space of time.

my son is nearly 5, i know kids older than him say (when they have come home from school or away days) that they have been bored.

is my son telling her what she wants to hear then uses it against me.... i have done nothing wrong except see my son and have a great time.

why cant mediation see this?
have they seen this as in her e-mail to them and know deep down whats going on?

i have to explain myself every time and i do when i drop him off, yet she says things like this.

mediation must see whats going on.

chats

OK Chats, I see a photo opportunity. Make it fun and very lighthearted but I think you should begin to record your activities with your son and make a child''s scrapbook account with him. Great for rainy days! Also keep a journal yourself.

Example: Take photos in the park; help him fix them in his book. Let him ''write'' about what he/you were doing in the photograph and then get him to tell you what it says and you write what he dictates underneath and date it.

It''s crucial to get him to tell you what he wants to write and you record exactly what he says, e.g. Me in the park, I went really high on the swings; feeding the ducks;playing with my cars at Daddy''s house. You get the idea. Obtain programmes; entrance tickets, bus/train tickets,natural things like leaves - anything and let him stick those in his scrapbook too. Any drawings he does when you get back home can go in his book.

The objective is to fix the events with you in his memory. A tangible record of him having fun with you but also a record for anyone who tries to say you do very little with him.

I think he feels divided loyalty between you and his Mummy, so encourage him also to make little things for her and let him take them home.

Good luck with the mediation. Tell it as it is.

Mitchum xx

Chats I think Mitchum is right. It must be very hurtful for you to hear his version of events from his mum, so a scrapbook of your activities is a great idea.

I think though that the issues with her need to be addressed at mediation. She really needs to ''let go'' a bit, and entrust him to you. Her insistence of being at school.when you collect him is a prime example, and must be confusing for him. She needs to be encouraging contact more, letting him know she''s happy about it instead of undermining you as someone capable of collecting him by yourself. That must give him mixed messages ....''daddy is collecting me from school, but mummy needs to be there. Can''t daddy collect me by himself?''. He needs to view you as being of equal importance as mum, but because she''s a control freak she tries to thwart that. I personally find it heartbreaking that you question yourself and your relationship with your son. You are clearly a very devoted dad and would do anything for your boy, but she makes you question everything, and that''s wrong.

Hopefully, mediation will see through her obvious manipulation. In the meantime, stick to your guns, enjoy and record your time with him (how about buying him a cheap camera to help record your adventures. Kids love taking pics!), and try to ignore what she says.