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Ex has admitted that she turned son against me

  • halfadad
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06 Apr 12 #322019 by halfadad
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For those that havent seen my posts. After a long costly court case I finally had indirect contact ordered. I can write to my son weekly (and im supposed to be happy with that!)

The CAFCASS and "professionals" we had involved all cited that son was emotionally damaged by the conflict going on between me and ex so it was in his best interests for that to be removed hence the order.

Despite my insistence that ex was employing alientation, I was ignored. The report said that we both blamed each other, but they couldnt place the blame on either of us!!

Ex has now admitted to my mum that she was alienting son. She says its because she didnt want me to have him 50% because she thought he would "struggle with my attitude", apparently she was just trying to delay court as long as possible. She never though it would come to no contact! She says she feels bad, but that son is now so "against me" that its "taken on a life of its own"

Can I take this info back to court? Will they relook at it and order contact again? Or are they likely to say well he was alientated but all the emotional trauma he was put through still stands so we still wont do anything?

I cant believe that she has steadfastly turned son against me and now is just shrugging her shoulders of any responsibility of fixing this!

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06 Apr 12 #322022 by MissTish1
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Oh my goodness, how devastated you must be, because she has admitted turning your child against you. In my opinion there is no rhyme or reason for her behaviour, and I could certainly think of a few choice words to describe her!

However, this admission does, I think, give you new leverage in Court. Do you think she would make a statement admitting what she''s done? Wasn''t there a case not that long ago where the father was awarded residence because the mother actively alienated the child against him (hopefully Fiona will be able to provide facts here).

Certainly I think you should take this further. But, because of the alienation, I think contact will need to start slowly and progress. I feel so very much for you and your son as innocent victims in this awful situation, but see no reason why you cannot build a normal father son relationship.

  • Fiona
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07 Apr 12 #322122 by Fiona
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In my experience 50:50 shared care may be perceived as a threat and the unforeseen consequence of demanding 50:50 shared care can be hostility and low levels of contact. Remember your mum may have the wrong end of the stick, but if your ex really did admit turning your son against you and feeling bad then the situation may not be intractable. Perhaps the best bet for improving relationships and re-establishing contact is out of court.

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07 Apr 12 #322128 by stepper
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I agree with Fiona about 50/50 being perceived as a threat by some parents.

In my son''s case, his boys were asking for extra time with their dad, which his ex. categorically refused to consider. A court action for 50/50 is now in progress. However, it has unleashed a tirade of false accusations from his ex. which have now been withdrawn. There is nothing to say however, that she would not resurrect them at a later date!

I think my ex.dil is worried that the eldest boy in particular would prefer to live with his dad plus the fact her income would be reduced if there was a 50/50 shared residence order in place despite the fact that she earns a lot more than my son and she has a partner to share day to day living costs.

Looking back it is very difficult to say whether agreement between them or Court action was the best way forward. With my ex. dil, she decides rather than discusses and as she puts it ''its my way or the highway''. She objects strongly to her authority being questioned, so the goalposts can be moved continually to suit her moods. Probably Court was the best route even with all the unpleasantness which has ensued.

This is why I am in favour of 50/50 shared residency as the default when couples divorce. They should then work out between them the best plan for their children. It may not be perfect, but with a defined starting point I feel that court action could be side-stepped in many cases.

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07 Apr 12 #322131 by fairylandtime
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I think that 50:50 shared care / residence can work . . . ''can'' but only where the 2 parties are committed to making it work.

What I don''t get is that usually the 2 parties (parents) have way different views/values etc etc & I am not sure how for children who have to stick to x rules one week or half a week and another set of rules the rest of the week can or should cope???

I am all for contact & want as much contact with their dad for my kids (poss more than x wants or seems to want) but I feel that the main week going off to sch homework etc etc should be all at the one location for their stability. . . . . . Sorry not popular I know & probably only my take on things due to my own circumstances (luckily mine are older & virtually decide themselves what they do which is fine with me - even gone down the line of a full move for one so know it is heartbreaking).

I think that as parents we need to work together for the sake of our children, but know that n many cases (in a lot of cases - including my own to a part) that is a lot easier said than done.

Sorry JJx

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07 Apr 12 #322132 by Phoenix2yk9
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I don''t have a ideal relationship with my daughter, as she lives with her mum and well for me to get there it''s 2 and half hours of driving. I make the most of it. Nearly every single day, I call and text her, just to ask her how she is and what she has been up to? Doesn''t make up for the lack of physical contact but my ex says come and see her anytime you want to only find out that she has arranged something and then having to rearrange it for another time, sigh. My daughter is currently on Holiday in Thailand with her Mum and younger step sister, as my ex is from there, so I miss my lil girl very much but thats how it is.

Now back to your situation, if you are going back to court, your ex will have to provide a statement to validate what was said. For now I am not saying you should accept how things are, but start building up slowly your relationship with your son, do you know what your son likes doing, in terms of his interest and hobbies. It''s also very admirable that you write letters to your son, its more personable than a text or a phonecall as you have taken the time to write it, make sure you keep a copy for yourself, so if they are lost, you can show it at some later point.

In a relationship if children are involved, they will always for me be regarded as victims in a breakup, but let''s cast aside your ''victim'' t shirt, let''s have it say something positive like, ''what am I going to do to build my relationship with my son?'' An open statement like this can you give you a multitude of possibilities, Don''t give up, I know it can be very frustrating but persevere, keep going and don''t stop.

Your son will appreciate your actions in the long run

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07 Apr 12 #322147 by PinkDuck
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One thing I have struggled with (and I guess I always will), is why do most RP think that their relationship with the children is far more superior than that of the NRP.

I have 5 children from two relationships, both NRP''s have unrestricted access to their children. They can have as much or as little as they like but I know I have the doors of access firmly wide open. The children are very secure knowing they have permission to openly love, visit and talk about their NRP without any fear of upsetting me.

I know I wouldnt have my children without the NRP, and I do not think I am entitled to more of a relationship with them just because I am the RP. Sometimes I do feel I have their best interests at heart more often, and have had to address certain issues but not at the cost of limiting access.

Today I have had to get up at 7am to make sure my son could see his father as dads car has broken down and I had to drop him off before I went to work. I would have loved an extra hour in bed but my son comes first.

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