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Access to children

  • simberry
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07 Apr 12 #322209 by simberry
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My STBX has today denied me access to my children, on FALSE grounds that my new partner has slept in the same bed as them at the same time. I have been very careful in the 10 months that my ex and i have been separated that my new partner and my children do not meet, as I am fully aware of the sensitivity of the issue where the young ones (3 and 4) are concerned. my ex and I are going to discuss a plan of introduction through mediation but I am skeptical of the value this will hold. Recently i got a letter from her solicitor detailing the alleged bed share. I have an assessment appointment with the mediator very soon to discuss the process of introducing my children to my new partner, but my feeling is that mediation will not change anything as far as my ex is concerned because she simply doesn''t trust me. I have given her no reason to distrust me as far as the children are concerned and don''t believe any agreement derived from mediation will change that.

I am convinced that everything that my ex has said and done thus far is merely a delaying tactic to prevent my partner meeting the children.

The children have in fact met my partner already; consent had been given by my ex for this to happen, but she has since withdrawn this consent and slapped a solicitors letter through my door. It is worth mentioning that my partner and I live together, so overnight stays for the children have been carried out while my partner spends this night each week at her mothers home.

My main query is regarding my rights as a father; are they any less than the mother since I am not the main carer? Can she dictate what happens with my children when they are in my care?

I have been assured by people (not solicitors) that she has no right / control over this and cannot do what she has done.

I have been told about filling in a contact form for the courts, but know nothing about the process. I would appreciate your help.

Thank you in advance,

Loving father of 2.

  • epitome title
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07 Apr 12 #322210 by epitome title
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I am afraid I have no idea what the legal position is on this however, I think you are right that your ex is using this as a delaying tactic.

Surely she cannot give her consent for your children to meet your partner then take it away, once given and your children have met your partner, is it not more confusing for them to have your partner suddenly disappear when they are with you?

I hope you get it sorted soon

Kind regards

  • MissTish1
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07 Apr 12 #322211 by MissTish1
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Hi there,

Well, the people who have told you that she cannot control how you spend your time with the children are right. Your ex has no right to dictate to you how you spend your contact time, and with whom, unless of course there were welfare concerns. Just as you don''t have any right to dictate to her how she spends her time with them.

I think it''s admirable that you are taking time to introduce your new partner to your kids, and understand that for little ones it can be confusing, and it sounds like you''re doing everything right. However, something must have ''snapped'' with your ex to induce this sudden change of heart. Jealousy perhaps? A sudden realisation that you have moved on? It''s fairly common behaviour for a RP to act this way when the NRP moves on with their lives, but that of course doesn''t make it right. Your ex will have to accept that you have a new partner, and should not bring the children into it at all. If they get on with your new partner and vice versa, then that''s all that should matter.

I certainly feel that this is a knee jerk reaction from your ex, given that she previously gave her blessing to the children meeting your new partner. Therefore I think mediation is a good place to start, and it is a pre-requisite to Court applications as you would need to show that you have tried to sort things out amicably, should you need to take the matter to court. Maybe your ex just needs reassurance that your new partner isn''t going to replace her (which I''m sure neither you or your new partner would ever try and do), and hopefully at mediation you will be able to reassure her that she will always be their mum and you respect that.

  • simberry
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12 Apr 12 #323222 by simberry
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Thank you both for your support and advice.

I have been for my mediation assessment appointment and the mediator said that she doesnt see what the problem is. As far as she can see I am introducing my children into a loving stable relationship. That said mediation will probably go ahead based on the things that my STBX believe to be true. I am happy with this, but expect that she will still try to keep the children away from my new partner, since the mediation agreement isnt legally binding is it?

Could anybody please tell me which of the contact form(s) would be most appropriate for me to fill out so that she cannot deny me access to my children after the mediation process has taken place? I am disappointed in her for using the children against me, but it seems she just wants to cause as much damage as she can.

  • somuch2know2
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12 Apr 12 #323225 by somuch2know2
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This is a common theme and something I am also going through. The form is a C100. Mine is completed but I am reluctant to send it in as i have been told that court can cause more damage and I am tired of fighting with me ex and we havent even gotten to the FDR yet. The two older kids hate me thanks to her poison and the younger one gets bullied into doing what the older two think. If I go to court and I gain access than she can still make it difficult for me and the battle continues. Part of me wants to buckle down the hatches and just wait for them to contact me in 1, 5, 10 years time.

I read stories of court cases going on for years but no resolve.. I want to get on with my life so maybe it means life without my kids for a while?

Feeling very deflated today

  • MrsMathsisfun
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12 Apr 12 #323232 by MrsMathsisfun
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Oh somuch I can hear what your saying, but I would at least send the form to courts to give the ex the message that your not going to give in to her tactics.

If it goes to court you will have evidence that you tried to maintain contact and that it was her that stopped it happening not that you walked away, which is what she dripping into the childrens ear each day.

How can she say to the children your not interested when your prepared to go to court in order to stay in their lives.

Hopefully you taking this stand will shock her into realising that actually she is the one in the wrong not you.

Forcing the children to see you wont work but at least giving them the message that you want to stay in their lives might give them a chance to ''''forgive'''' you in the future.

Stay strong and tell those children you love them despite what their mum is telling them.


  • disneybunny
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12 Apr 12 #323266 by disneybunny
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Somuch2 I think it depends n the age of the children, my oldest is 15 and TBH ex applying to court has made him furious as he feels it is his right to decide who he sees not the courts and if his father cared he would have tried t have sorted it out like an adult.
wholly agree that the older ones influence the younger ones as well. My older two have decided no contact and the younger one simply sides with them as she has no idea who her father is and knows only that he is something bad. If I try to say something nice about him (trust me as sickening as it is I try to be nice about him, the boy counteract it.
Court is a nightmare for me but in the end the person who will come off worst is the ex as if he wins contact, he wins the right to have his sons standing saying get lost to his face. Which he will punish me for so it will go back to court round and round in circles.
Younger children however you can just pick up and handover yes the can kick and scream not to go but they can be forced. Forcing two males bigger than yourself is impossible no matter what a court orders.

Not sure if that helps just another viewpoint.

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