hysterical baby

Hiya!
It''s been court ordered for baby, 9 months to be available for dad within reason who she doesn''t know.
Yesterday he could have her for 3 hours, he came and took her. She was hysterical and in one of her moods when she just wants mums cuddles.
I let her go, screaming, tears and abit pooring down her face.
How can any dad do that to a child? When it clearly wants its mother and not the stranger?

Did I have to let her go? I feel like that could of possibly do baby more damage.

He brought baby back and said she was teething?! Obviously he doesn''t know her because if he did he''d know the real reason for her being upset.

When he took her he didn''t even comfort her. I''m worried about bonding and if he''s just doing this to spite me. He has another baby on way and I fear he won''t feel anything for our baby when his other one is here and not treat her properly.

Baby has to go again today 9 till 5, if she''s soo upset again do I have to let her go??

What a horrible situation to find yourself in. From a personal point of view I understand entirely your anxiety and grief in handing over a 9 month old baby for a whole day to someone else (whether that be an extranged partner or a qualified child minder).

The difficult thing is that people who are reasonable attempt to do just as the court orders and people that are not just ignore the court and do as they please.

There has been a recent precedent and sadly I cannot remember but think it was H(a child) where a divorcing couple were many miles apart and the child in question had a club foot. The mother was required to travel two hundred miles every other weekend (and she was on limited funds) and leave the infant (who I think at the time was only 9 months) with the father. She was told she had to express milk and to make matters worse a penal order was attached to the order the court made.

The wife appealed (successfully) and it was ruled unanimously that it was wrong to place the wife under such pressure.

From my point of view I just cannot understand how any reasonable man would want to basically torture their ex partner by removing an infant from the mothers care. In the case of H (child) there was a doctors report which stated that it would be wrong to ask a child with a club foot to travel such distances. The court ruled that was a subjective view and I agree.

Far more to the point was the distress emotionally and physically to the wife - as far as the child was concerned as long as it was properly looked after by the mother it wouldn''t make any difference to the child whether it was sitting in a house or being craddled and sitting on a train.

It is going to be very hard for you if your husband is insistant on applying the court order and is basically detirmined to punish you with it. I don''t think that men are equiped in the same way to nurse very young infants (maybe your husband is exceptional but from the sounds of it he isn''t otherwize he would not be subjecting you to so much anxiety).

I think you might get some good advise if you phone the NSPCC hotline - it is available most times of the day and night and you could also try talking to your doctor about your concerns.

I also think it good to get your real concerns on a medical record and then if this does get contentious and get to court you at least have some evidence of how this is affecting your life and your concerns for your little baby.

Big hugs.

What does the court order say regarding his access?

He took her for 3 hours on one day and then from 9 to 5 on another.

It may well be that when the next baby arrives your husband will run out of steam so to speak about pushing this contact and also that he will run out of steam if he has her for a whole day and finds out what a day looking after a young baby is really like.

I know that this will come as no comfort to you. My experience when I had my three as babies was that my husband could cope for about 1 - 2 hours max and if he could he avoided being alone with the babies altogether.

I don''t blame him for that as when you have a baby (as a woman) nature sorts this out and gives you the hormones to cope with the responsibility. Unless the doctors can dream up some sort of medicine men are never going to be equiped in the same way to look after babies although I am sure that some decent men cope through forced circumstance (and some of them who along with their children have been left by their wifes post on this site).

I would also point out that I do think that it is a good idea for the father to have some access and bonding time with his young child. I just really totally disagree with the idea that it should be for such long periods of time and then gaps inbetween.

It would be far better if he saw the child for an hour or so at this point in time building the contact up slowly as the infant matures - not at this point that this helps you as you have a court order in place.

linc,
why from 9 - 5? the usual advice on babies is ''little and often''. What does your court order say exactly?

Thank you for your replies
Unfortunately he''s in the army and gets back once a month for few days.
Because he''s had baby all day since coming home from hospital when he''s here. He wouldn''t only allow just few hours every day he demanded all day. Till court...long story.
After the 1st hearing he asked for 9till 5 for a day when he was back, I thought I had to agree. That was last month. Now he''s back he expects the same amount of time. His solicitor will prob sat I''m stopping him being a dad if I don''t allow the same. His solicitor reminds me of a bull dog, she''s not nice.
He''s got baby today, spent ten min with her in house before they left, she was kinda ok.
He could only manage 3 hours yest because he had to attend court ordered parenting info class.
He''s not back till mid may after today...

I think maybe see how it goes over the next few weeks/month.

Go and see your GP and express your concerns but be careful not to exagerate them in any way.

Then if your daughter is getting very distressed over the next month or so consider applying into court to get a variation or talking to your husband about a variation (the best way of doing this is to put your concerns to him in a carefully laid out letter - it may be that an organisation like womans aid could help you with this or that your doctor could give a view on it).

That way if you feel the need to go to court for a variation if your husband will not co-operate in any middle ground you can produce your letter or maybe a couple of letters as evidence of your concern.

It seems to me that if he is only around on a very irregular basis that it is unfair on the child to expect her to be able to cope with whole days and this is going to get worse as she approaches her first birthday.

I found that my children were ok with virtual strangers for the first few months but as they got more aware of who the main carer was they became more clingy and anxious.

This may well sort itself out by itself however as your husband may well find himself totally out of his depth with a screaming and unco-operative child on his hands who has no wish to be with him.

Maybe if you are a member of a mothers group and know people with young babies and very young children you could get their perspective on all of this.

I have to say that if a mother asked me to take their 8 mmonth old for a whole day I would have to be seriously convinced that it was absolutely necessary as I know full well that it would be a day of total hell for me with a screaming and unhappy child, nappies to change and not a moments peace.

Also babies get into routines about where and when they sleep and how they are best comforted and your husband will not have a clue about any of all of this.

In short what I am saying is that maybe your own child is going to be the best person to sort this out.