A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info

hysterical baby

  • Shi Tong
  • Shi Tong's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Apr 12 #322369 by Shi Tong
Reply from Shi Tong
If this was any understanding parent, I would have thought that forced contact is never a pleasant or necessary thing.

Have you ever contacted any domestic abuse services?

I remember my experience with them was that when my children refused contact, since there had been many months of psychological, mental and verbal abuse they told me that "the children do not have to go, even if there is a court order in place, if you think there is a possibility of abuse, or they''re being abused".

I would stress.... IF you think there is an actual possibility of abuse/ they ARE being abused.

If you''ve been previously abused by said person, I''m surprised that nobody has helped you out on this one.

Can I also just say; it''s not 100% necessarily that a woman automatically knows what to do with an 8 month old, and a father is automatically not as good because he doesn''t have the same hormones, in fact, with both of my little ones (from extremely young ages), I was more capable of calming them down when their mother was distressed, and even had experiences with strangers babies being more comfortable in my arms than their own mothers.
The topic has been locked.
  • hawaythelads
  • hawaythelads's Avatar
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
08 Apr 12 #322370 by hawaythelads
Reply from hawaythelads
Hi maybe it might be best to adopt a more positive view of the situation.
As you can acknowledge this day with the father for the kid because of his job in the armed forces are very few and far between.
You are in actuality projecting your need and negativity onto how the baby feels.
THE BABY NEEDS MOTHER!! REALLY????
The baby needs feeding changing and kip and attention.
I had two kids and I can tell you my ex misus was a lot more strung out that me and worse with the babies than I was.
Your ex wants a day with the kid because he is probably taking the baby to his parents and that side of the extended family.
Don''t let the women on here wind you up any further on this anti Dad line and mum knows best than you already are.
It is 8 hours every 2 months nothing to get yourself bent out of shape about the baby is not going to come to any harm or suffer long term emotional distress.
All the best
Pete
The topic has been locked.
  • MissTish1
  • MissTish1's Avatar
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
08 Apr 12 #322376 by MissTish1
Reply from MissTish1
I have to say I agree with Pete on this one. Your baby needs to be able to develop a bond with her father, and the only way that''s going to happen is through contact. She was hysterical yesterday, today she was ''kinda ok'', which proves she''s getting used to him a bit. After today she will have gotten to know him even more, and that will build up. The most important thing here is to maintain as much contact as possible between father and daughter, as much as his job allows. Try not to stand in the way of that. If he goes away on tour and doesn''t see her for a few weeks/months, then of course she will be wary when he gets back, that''s understandable. But, whilst he''s around, please do allow as much contact as possible to enable this very important bond between them to develop. Whilst he''s away, show her photos of him, talk about him positively, remind her of who he is, perhaps put a photo of him in her room. Also, is it possible for him to contact her via Skype whilst he''s away? Okay she cannot talk to him, but he can talk to her, be a familiar figure in her life.

It''s down to you, as her mum, to ensure she has contact with her dad, as is her right.
The topic has been locked.
  • Emma8485
  • Emma8485's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Apr 12 #322381 by Emma8485
Reply from Emma8485
I think that at 9 months old, I would have had great difficulty in establishing why either of my 2 were hysterical if they were crying etc... Mine both used to cry like mad if I left them for five minutes, didnt mean I wouldnt do it if I needed to.

I entirely understand you feel nervous as she is so young, but he isnt a childminder or anything - he is Daddy. He must be taking it seriously as he is having the Contact thats been agreed and also going to parenting classes.

He will learn, as will any first time parent about teething, nappy changing etc and I wouldnt class Dad taking baby out for the day as emotionl abuse and certainly wouldnt be refusing contact on that basis. Ive not seen anything on this OP thread that indicated Dad was a threat to the baby?

Little and often might well be better in an ideal world but if his army career doesnt allow for that then its up to the two of you to work with what you have, and hopefully support his role as her dad when he isnt there.

Sometimes its hard to see how things are going to work, but I am sure that they will if you can both persevere

x
The topic has been locked.
  • Shi Tong
  • Shi Tong's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Apr 12 #322382 by Shi Tong
Reply from Shi Tong
May I ask what happened in your relationship in terms of communications? If you two can communicate, it might be a lot easier.

For example, if he came to pick up your child and the child was in a totally incorrect frame of mind, or it was awful timing, is there any way you two can come to an understanding?

At the end of the day, a court order will only go back to court if both people want it to go back to court for a re-assessment.

If he is only requesting contact, I also think that''s reasonable if there is no chance of abuse or harm to the child.

If there isn''t any chance, then the quibble is only because she was upset when he took her.

If you talk to him along the lines of "I know you have a court order, and I totally honour and respect that agreement, but can we have some flexibility in that so that if baby is in a bad frame of mind, or not able to go on that particular minute of the day, we have a break and come back to the subject an hour later, or give baby a chance to get into the correct frame of mind before going to contact?".

It''s not like he''s asking for CSA payments from you, or tax credits which will financially play with your circumstances, he''s asking to see his child...

However, as I said before- if you''re seriously worried about contact for any reason...

Oh, and by the way, I know what it''s like to have two screaming, crying children to be pulled out of your home; but then she''s screamed unforgivably abusive things in their faces before too, and been very neglectful which is why I am more wary of letting them go to very long contact hours...

Good luck!
The topic has been locked.
  • Fiona
  • Fiona's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Apr 12 #322387 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona
Given the opportunity fathers can be just as good parents as mothers, and some fathers make better parents than some mothers. It is a perfectly normal stage of development for some very young children to be anxious at the time of separation from their main carer.

Sadly there isn''t a great deal of trust between separated parents. It isn''t at all uncommon for the parent with the majority of care to interpret separation anxiety as evidence of how awful the other parent''s parenting really is and that contact should decrease or stop. The other parent interprets the child''s behaviour as evidence that the parent with care isn''t supporting contact and poisoning the child against them and therefore contact should be increased or residence should be transferred.

Usually children with separation anxiety settle down within a relatively short period and it''s perfectly fine. It''s likely your ex or the extended family would come to their own conclusion that contact wasn''t working if the baby is really distressed all the time and doesn''t settle.
The topic has been locked.
  • Joe2020
  • Joe2020's Avatar
  • User is blocked
  • User is blocked
More
08 Apr 12 #322388 by Joe2020
Reply from Joe2020
Fiona wrote:

Usually children with separation anxiety settle down within a relatively short period and it''s perfectly fine.


On that basis,in a situation where a child has a new baby brother/sister, can''t it be argued by the mother not to give staying contact to the father in case the child feels he/she is being ''got out of the way'' because of a new arrival?
The topic has been locked.
Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11