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Swimming arranged during father''s time - UPDATE

  • MissTish1
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10 Apr 12 #322879 by MissTish1
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You''re right Fiona, parents don''t own children. But, what options are there, particularly for an NRP who only sees his child/ren twice a month and whose ex is completely unwilling to budge and give time elsewhere for activities she has either organised within his time or for parties she wishes the child/ren to attend within his time.

Perhaps something should be written into Contact Orders stating that if something crops up that the child wishes to attend (i.e birthday parties or a special occasion), then the child is to attend that occasion but that the RP must allow extra time elsewhere to compensate both child and NRP for contact time missed.

Now there''s an idea!

  • mumtoboys
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10 Apr 12 #322890 by mumtoboys
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but attending parties or doing weekend activities also encroaches on the quality time the PWC can have with the child. I appreciate they have the rest of the week as well, but the principal is the same, surely? I don''t see why my quality time should be compromised because my child wants to go to a party and my ex won''t take them unless I compensate him that time...when do I get my quality time back?! It''s particularly an issue when there is distance between parents, like in CJ''s situation, where decisions have to be made about activities or parties as a direct result of that distance - it''s not about dad/mum being difficult, it''s just not practical for anyone.

Fiona - is that Childline information divided any further? Is it a result of financial difficulties that result with separation as to why children are complaining or is it the mum/dad can''t get over themselves?

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10 Apr 12 #322897 by sillywoman
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I have 3 daughters, albeit late teens and do what they want when they want now.

But when they were younger they attended brownies,swimming lessons, horse riding lessons, parties,school fetes etc etc. It was a round of school, quick tea, off to wherever itwas they had to go to , home and bed.

It is not the childrens fault when parents split up and yes of course they should spend time with both parents, taking a child to an activity and staying whilst they took that activity, watching (which kids often love) is parenting.

In this case the father does not see the children as often as he would like (hopefully that situation should improve soon), and then in that case he will be doing what lots of parents do,i.e spend alot of time being a taxi for a child.

A child will end up resenting a parent who wants to spend time "doing things" with him/her when the child would rather be doing activities with his/her friends.

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10 Apr 12 #322899 by MissTish1
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MtoB, I usually agree with you on most things, but I just can''t understand your reasoning on this. An RP has the lions share of time with the kids. Okay, I accept that if contact is every other weekend, then RP quality time is equal. But, it is unfair to encroach on Nrp time simply because that time is very limited, and chances are the nrp will have things organised for contact time. I don''t know about your kids, but mine used to produce their party invites the day before the party, far too late to have fairly expected their dad to forgo part of his weekend, hence why I didn''t even mention it to him. But, my boys weren''t really bothered about missing the odd party and loved every second they spent with their dad. The fairest way to do it would be .... child brings home party invite for party on nrp weekend. Child is reminded its nrp weekend and told no decision will be made until nrp is consulted, as nrp may already have something arranged. Nrp is contacted & if prior arrangements exist, no party. If no prior arrangements exist, nrp is offered extra time elsewhere to compensate for time missed. Chances are, nrp will be happy for child to attend party.

Fact is though that kids often have to miss things due to prior committnents anyway. That''s just life.

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10 Apr 12 #322901 by mumtoboys
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I know what you''re saying and I get that time is precious - I don''t really disagree. But I don''t see my time during the week with the children as quality time, it''s just doing what has to be done, feeding, dressing, washing, pushing out the door, pushing back in the door, doing homework....I guess my point is that I value my weekends with the children just as much as NRPs do (I think) but I often have to give up time to deal with activities and parties and play dates because that is what my children want to do. If you''re saying I have to compensate, hour by hour, any time my ex has with the children which is spent with them doing some other activity then effectively, you might as well call me the nanny and pay me to look after the children ''cos that''s about what it comes down to!

god only knows why I''m arguing about it ''cos my ex doesn''t bother with the children anyway...!

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10 Apr 12 #322905 by MissTish1
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I do know what you''re saying, particularly about being chief cook and bottle washer! Perhaps my view is somewhat biased because my boys would never have chosen to do anything over seeing their dad, and even if they had I would have made sure he had the time back. They adore him, and he''s always been such a huge part of their lives. But, as I''ve always said, we got on very well so there''s never been any issues.

Having said all that, from the other side of the fence, SD has told us that she hated not seeing her dad, for whatever reason mum drummed up, so does that mean that children really do prefer seeing their absent parent over and above anything else? Again, perhaps my view is biased, because as we all know our home was an oasis to my SD when she was living with mum, so its no wonder she preferred to be here!

I suppose it all points to something quite simple - if parents can get along just for the kids then no-one loses out.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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10 Apr 12 #322911 by MrsMathsisfun
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Personal I think it''s about choice

If children are asked to party during NPR then NPR needs to make the decision whether child attends party. That way contact time doesn''t need to be made up

With the swimming lessons. Rp should have discussed with NPR and then lesson booked if both parents agree.

As NPR wasn''t given choice I think it is acceptable for children to miss sessions if not convient or change of contact arrangements so that lessons are in rp time as they made decision.

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