Swimming arranged during father''s time - UPDATE

MissTish1,

Hands full indeed, if only people knew the full story!

It''s reassuring to both of us that someone is reading from the same page as my partner does not want to seem to be being unreasonable when it comes to activites that the girls could attend.

My partner did exactly what you suggested and he told mum that if the girls (or her) were that insistant that they need to attend these parties then he is more than willing to swap the weekends with her. Her response was no, alternate weekends means alternate (this is obviously when it suits as we have them 2 weekends in a row in Nov as she wants to go out on her birthday weekend!)and that he was to explain to the girls his decisions when they can''t attend any future activities.

The girls are twins but in separate classes so between them they will have twice as many parties to attend during the course of the year.

Mum handed my partner their swimming stuff at the weekend but he told her that they wouldn''t be going as face painting and an easter egg hunt had been organised with their extended family. The girls were also thrilled that they had a weekend off from swimming lessons

I am only too familiar with ex''s like your partner''s, as are many others here on the site! It''s all about control, and even though no reasonable parent would ever want to stop their child from doing something, the fact is that if those special occasions are constantly falling on the NRP''s weekend, then it stands to reason that the NRP will say the children cannot attend. If the RP was reasonable, she (or he) would say it''s okay to have the weekend before, or after, or an extra day somewhere else to make up for it, but when you have an unreasonable RP, why should the NRP bend over backwards to accommodate someone who isn''t willing to compromise. On the odd occasion it would probably be best to let it go, and ''pick your battles'', but when the NRP''s contact time is constantly being impinged upon, ground has to be stood otherwise the NRP will be taken advantage of.

I''m sure the girls won''t mind missing a birthday party or two so that they can spend time with daddy. Their mother will probably make much more of an issue out of it than they would!

We have bent over backwards to make sure the kids didn''t miss out on any parties as this had been one of mums reasons for trying to reduce contact. The children had been "distraught" and "devastated" at missing out the odd party so we ensured she had no room for complaint, although admittedly we only have a 30 minute drive to contend with.
They have now made friends local to us and the youngest was recently invited to our neighbours party on a non-contact weekend. Guess what .....? Not a word from mum and no mention of it, even though the invite was sent back with the older brother. I''m guessing that we might not hear so much from mum anymore, perhaps that''s how to deal with it!

My partner has let many things slide in the past. Doctors appointments have been arranged, maternal family members have visited...the list goes on and to accomodate the girls my partner has returned them early. This however, never gets reciprocated and that is where the problems lie. It''s not a case of not wanting to compromise with the ex, it''s just always onesided.

Control is the main factor in my partner''s situation too and like you correctly note everything is a dramatised. The girls never asked about the parties so we never bought them up.

It was my partners turn to have them for easter last year but when he turned up at the house it was empty, neighbours told my partner she left with the girls at 9am that morning. At the time I was at home preparing an easter egg hunt and had my niece invited too, so that was a big let down to all of us when we didn''t have the girls. This is why Sunday was a big deal as we got to make up for them missing out last year.

They have missed out on so much with their father over the years because of her behaviour to the point where neither of us feel guilty for them missing the odd swimming lesson or party if it means my partner can get quality time to build his relationship back up with his daughters.

Happyagain,

I don''t doubt that if the girls were invited to an activity during her time with them that there would be some excuse why they couldn''t attend. I''d bet my house on it!

She even sent a text telling my partner that any additional contact is to be agreed by both parties! As she is the ''main carer'' this basically means that any additional contact is to be agreed by her seeing as though she''d never have to ask my partners permission to see her own daughters. My partner took that text message as meaning NO to any additinal contact as it was her way of saying that basically she is still the one in control.

have you investigated what alternative swimming lessons are available and then looked at how these might fit in with other activities the children do? It might be better trying to present a fait accompli - those swimming lessons are not convenient for me, but I have found the same lessons at x, y and z time. Which one suits you? I think x time is probably best. What do you think? - rather than expecting her to rearrange on your say so?

I don''t agree that children should miss parties. Parties are much looked forward to and being party of the crowd is important to children of all ages. I think with parties you have to take responsibility on your parenting time and accept that sometimes it happens that way - you can''t expect other people to arrange their parties to suit your contact needs. Neither can you expect that mum has every weekend of ''her'' time interrupted with parties by suggesting you should swap - she needs quality time with the children too.

We will look into the alternate dates, so thanks for the suggestion on this.

My partner is not saying that he won''t take them to parties or swimming but at the moment his 2 nights per month is limited so having the whole of saturday afternoon and sunday morning taken up with parties and swimming makes his parenting time restricted.

None of my partners family live local either and are scattered around the country so visiting them would require an overnight stay, which again would be restricted if activities like parties or swimming are being enforced by mum.

It''s taken him a year to get overnight stays back so his time is precious at this moment in time. When contact inceases to 2 or 3 nights then obviously my partner will have an increased amount of time with the girls so the odd party is not going to make much difference to his parenting time.

The children missed the party this weekend purely because we had a party & BBQ arranged with friends that the children also knew about and were excited to attend.

It''s not a case of expecting people to change party dates so they all fall on the mothers weekends with the children. We live quite a distance from mums area so there is a substantial amount of travelling in the car required which isn''t particularly fun for us or the girls.