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Opinions please

  • lozzsa21
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18 Apr 12 #324636 by lozzsa21
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Hi,
I have never needed to ask a question here but need some advice.
My ex and I split last July. He is in the police and works a pattern of 6 days on 4days off so days off are always different. Basically it rotates 7 times
Thurs-Sun
Sun-Weds
Weds-Sat
Sat-Tues
Tues-Fri
Fri-Mon
Sun-Weds
Are the days off. In the beginning he had the children for 2 nights during his time off always the first 2 days regardless of school or our routine etc. Didn''t want to do after school activities as lives 20 mins away and didn''t want to go back and forth. I work school hours currently 4 days a week.
The kids were asking for more time (well only 1 and mainly cos of what daddy was saying) so we upped it to 3 stays per 10 day period. He is getting more than the average but I accept some of it is midweek-hardly my fault. The kids seem ok with the arrangement although I worry about the back and forth and different days during school.
I was made redundant and have got a new job to start in may. I explained to dad that my new hours were to be quite different and I won''t be taking the children to school or picking them up mon to weds. This will be quite a change for them and me as I have always done it. Luckily I have extended family willing to help but I will be out of the house 8am to 5.15pm so my time with the children will become limited. I asked for some consideration the time he has them thurs to sun, wanted to drop the thurs so I could pick them up and take them to school fri as otherwise I won''t have any quality time for 10 days. I was basically told tough, he can''t take my new job into account and it has to stay how it is to suit him.
I don''t see how this is right or fair on the children. My life would be a lot easier if he had a set day in the week but he can''t, I have to take his shifts into account why doesn''t he have to give me any consideration?

I am now at the point, after being awake since 4am, where I am going to say with effect from when I start my new job he won''t be having them on a Thursday regardless of how it falls. I want to keep at least that one occasion of picking them up from school and taking them Friday it''s very important for me to be involved.

What do you think? Would really welcome the advice.

I am not trying to cut his time I have always been so accommodating but I think it''s give and take and can''t all be one persons way.

  • rubytuesday
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18 Apr 12 #324653 by rubytuesday
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Is it possible to offer an alternative day to the Thursday so that the current level of contact between father and children is maintained? I understand its difficult with his shifts, but as they are set and you know the established pattern, it must be possible to work out an alternative day?

  • lozzsa21
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18 Apr 12 #324657 by lozzsa21
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No as he does earlies/lates/nights then has 4 days off - he already picks the children up on his first day off and returns on his last day, so there aren''t any other days.

I appreciate we have a routine but I think he has to take into account my changes in circumstances and that not everything can be totally around his shifts. I would like to be involved in taking the kids to school and picking them up at least once.

I know it''s all negotiation I just wondered what people thought? What generally happens when one person says it''s my way or tough?

A mother''s involvement is just as important but I''m trying to work too and don''t have the flexibility to only have them on my days off.

  • soulruler
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18 Apr 12 #324658 by soulruler
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Try Rubes idea it is negotiable and shows you are being reasonable and also I see your point about having some contact with school (and the other parents and children who go to school).

You are working and only changed jobs because of redundancy - he can hardly accuse you of doing it to spite his contact especially when it is your network which is covering all the other school pick ups and drop offs.

  • C. J.
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18 Apr 12 #324687 by C. J.
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Iozzsa21,

My fiance is also in the force and does the same shift pattern as your ex.

Despite my fiance working these shifts he has always had his children on alternate weekends - if he''s on his rest days then great, but if he is scheduled to work that weekend he either books the day off or work allow him to change a shift, or have it off and then work it back in lieu on a rest day. They have supported him through the court process with the ex and have tried to help him as much as possible when it comes to needing flexibility to see his children.

As recently as last month my fiances ex tried to get him to start having the children on his rest days however as the majority of his rest days were during the week and the fact that we live quite a distance from the girls school it worked out that with the additional traveling daily due to school runs, he''d see them less than if he had them at the weekends.

The judge agreed that weekends were better for the children as that is the way the routine had always been since they were smaller.

The ex only tried to get him to see them on his rest days purely because she''d knew I''d be at work during the day and would have minimal imput around the children by the time I got home.

Would you or your ex not consider alternate weekends instead or does this arrangement not work for either of you?

It may be worth asking your ex if he could have a word with his work and ask for a degree of flexibility also.

  • lozzsa21
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18 Apr 12 #324771 by lozzsa21
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Hi cj
Thanks for your input it''s always helpful to hear others points of view.
I would personally love alternate weekends but he insists it''s not possible and work will not allow him any flexibility.
The problem with doing it round his shifts is its all over the place. The children do seem to have got used to it to be fair but I worry as they get older it won''t help with school, friends and homework etc. I have always heard its best for them to be in one place during the week. They are year 1 and reception and since the split I have had some problems with my daughters schooling, could be coincidence or could be connected.
I am not trying to be awkward and to be honest have always allowed him to dictate but now it''s not so suitable for me I feel I deserve some consideration.

  • happyagain
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18 Apr 12 #324779 by happyagain
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It is best for children to have a base, not necessarily only seeing one parent in the week. My daughter has seen her dad every wed night for the past 3 years and loves this routine. She is in year 2 and is top of her class!
You are right, of course you deserve consideration, but remember that you see a lot more of the kids than he does. Even when it''s not ''quality time'', eg. Bathing, feeding and doing homework, I''d glad I''m the one who gets to see our daughter nearly every day. I can''t imagine how hard it would be to not see her.

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