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  • TEIN
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20 Apr 12 #325313 by TEIN
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I''m now a single father desperate to see as much of his children as possible. My cheating ex moved out this week taking the children but stating we have a working 50/50 split on there time. She has them Mon-Thur me Fri-Sun.

I would like the 50/50 split to be genuine so would like to ask her sol to agree that I have them for an extra day every other week or some such arrangement. I have a job that would allows me much more flexibilty in the summer months.

Although the current offer is purely to suit her as she needs a baby sitter 3 days a week while she works long shifts and who better than the Dad who adores them but I have to view this as a positive I''m told.

Does this seem a feasible argument re: the xtra day or am I wasting my time as I know many Dads don''t get what I''m currently being offered?

Also she has not yet told me where they are living is this legal or just immoral?

  • mumtoboys
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20 Apr 12 #325318 by mumtoboys
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you can''t babysit your own children!! It''s not unreasonable you look after the children whilst she works if you''re able so please try and be positive about it - if you are going to share the care of the children, she is going to have to work to keep a roof over her head just as much as you are.

it is worth asking for some kind of agreement to be drawn up, yes. Whether you''ll get the extra night or not is something you''ll have to wait and see...I would suggest that having the same days week in/week out is restrictive with both of you finding you''ll never get a weekend away on your own or weekend downtime for yourself and your ex will never have a weekend or down time with the children. It might suit you both, but it is something worth thinking about.

I would avoid court - my ex and I worked on a shared care basis with him having the equivalent of 3 days/nights a week (the reality was 4 one week and 2 the next) and he dragged me through court to try and get this written in stone. He didn''t - in fact, the CAFCASS report recommended less contact - it is a long story and there''s more to it but I''d say be careful as it won''t necessarily go in your favour if she chooses to fight (as I did).

  • MrsMathsisfun
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20 Apr 12 #325332 by MrsMathsisfun
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From my experience 50/50 shared care is very difficult to achieve unless both parties are able to communicate.

My partner found his chidren really couldnt cope with 50/50 shared care and it impacted on their behaviour and health.

It could have been due to the ridiculous number of changes each week, the children really didnt know whether they were coming or going. (I was equally confused by the pattern!!) rather than the shared care.

Dont think the pattern you are suggesting is workable for the reasons mentioned.

You need to take your time and think whats best for the children. This might not be whats best for you and your ex

  • TEIN
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23 Apr 12 #326020 by TEIN
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Thanks for the replies so far.

Does anyone know if legally she has to let me know where my children are staying?

She appears to be working every Monday possible as well as Fri, Sat, Sun so at the moment our friends are looking after my children on a Monday until she picks them up at approx 6.45 then its take away for tea, bath & bed for 8.

Our best friends are good at looking after them but surely it would be more sensible for their Dad, who would usually have looked after them for the previous few yrs, to have them rather than using our friends like this. Plus our children are not getting quality time with mummy as its just a rush to fit everything in before bed which I could offer them.

Thus, it could be a 4 day 3 day split in my favour but also helps my ex fit her shifts in.

I agree switching the children around to much would not help them so a constantly changing arrangement should be avoided.

  • rubytuesday
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23 Apr 12 #326021 by rubytuesday
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Legally, no she doesn''t have to let you know - it would be reasonable of her to do so. When the children are in her care, she can make unilateral decisions about who looks after them - as you can.

I agree that it makes much more sense for you to have them rather them being at a friend''s house - is it possible for you to suggest that by you having your children in the late afternoon and doing things like tea, homework etc, that it would mean she would have some proper quality time with them when she is home from work?

  • Joe2020
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23 Apr 12 #326085 by Joe2020
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TheEndIsNigh wrote:

am I wasting my time as I know many Dads don''t get what I''m currently being offered?

Exactly.Count yourself lucky.

Be happy with what you have and not unhappy at what you don''t have.

Its only one day every other week so not the end of the world.

  • DrDaddy
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23 Apr 12 #326119 by DrDaddy
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As Joe points out, you have a good arrangement: near to 50/50. Who cares why she is agreeing - if she didn''t have this shift pattern you''d likely see your children much less.

The question is, why do you want it exactly 50/50? Are you going to go to court for that? Is it worth sacrificing a workable arrangement with your ex for that day? A good ongoing relationship is likely to benefit your children enormously.

You could look more at holiday arrangements actually, and make sure those are equalised. Consider this - what if in 6 months time her shifts change or she loses her job, or whatever? She may then try to cut your time. Try to establish your 3 days a week as the norm, and try to get an agreement in writing. Protect what you have.

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