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Contact order mess -please help sorry its long

  • Kelbel
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22 Apr 12 #325718 by Kelbel
Topic started by Kelbel
Hi im new here

im in a right old state and need some urgent advice :(
Basically broke up with ex 5 years he got arrested out of my house had to move away due to his vile behaviour and persistent harassment towards me just over 3 years ago. I did try and stay on good terms due to my son but really it did not work he is a bully.

When I moved I contacted solisitor to get a regular contact agreement set up for the sake of our son my ex did not respond to any propsels and pushed matter to court to agree to what I had offered originally.

At the time of court I was working full time and receiving regular maintenance from ex.

I agreed to do the travel of 101miles last weekend of every month and 4 weeks of holidays I also agreed to pay for this drop off would be at my friends house to ensure no contact between us - have to say my legal advise was rubbish I got rushed to court got told I had legal aid to find out 2 days later I hadnt.I was advise that court order could change if circumstances did and this would be a straight for ward process.

within 2 weeks of order ex broke order it was then I found actually its not worth the paper its written on he regually let son down or was not complying to terms but to be honest I did not have funds to bring it back to court or the knowledge to know how too.even though I traveled 101 miles on train with 2 kids ex could not travel 20 mins to collect his son and would ask my friends do drop off or be late in collection he often didnt even know dates of when he was due to have him leaving my friend to have to remind him about it and would ask her to baby sit , while moaning if I was late with drop off ( even though it was public transport not me )

I have stuck with this agreement for over 3 years even though the cost of travel is crippling me but sinse the order got taken out so much has changed I need to amend it.

a) my friends who acted as go between are no longer able too due to their relationship break down and work hours not regular so there is no contact point.

b) I no longer work at all and am fully dependant on my partner

c)our son is at school age now and traveling 3 hours on a friday evening on a train is tiring for him to have to do it again on a sunday back home before school he often complains that he dont spend long enough with his dad.

d) im 34 weeks pregnant so 6 hours on a train on a friday eve is too much to then have to do it again on the sunday plus when baby is born how will I dothis ?

e) ex pays no maintence at all I know this is seperate but im £120 down a month so how can I pay fares which are £100 a month

So in October 2011 I text ex to say number of things have changed and in new year id like to change order I explained that finance side of it , that son was upset that it was not enough time and also said that drop off was awkward because frinds circumstance had changed - I asked if he had any suggestions to make it fairer - No response.

So in november sent another letter stating same thing and offering him contact every holiday so 1 week every 6 weeks and 3 weeks of summer I suggested that one option was he came to do pick up and we collected son so travel costs where shared - no reply

In january -I told him as id had no response that id be changing arangement and that after that wekend it would go to holiday times so 1st holiday we would do both journeys after that we shared them ...I have a daughter with some one else so said maybe they could alternate travel so for easter my daughter family pick kids up then we would collect then for half term he collect kids we would pick up - still no reponse .

he had son on feb half term then after me chasing him about easter he asked me to get daughters family to pick up son for him and he would sort out half term so that contact went ok.

2 days ago I get a text asking me to check email - he says I have to call him as I have broke contact order ...I reply no phone calls ( as we dont speak I want a paper trail of whats said )I check email and there is emails from mediation company.

and a email from him asking to talk , go mediation and demanding my address ( have to say all focas seems to be on me not actual contact.

I advise him i wont be doing mediation due to past violence and that im not paying for it I really cant stand thought of being in room with him - I have given him time to respond to whether he was happy or not he could of said from start he was not happy instead of accepting the contact then doing this.

I then get another email later that eve I found it quiet threatening and abusive telling me that finace is not a excuse to change order ( although it is I really cant afford costs any more and its not my only reason ) and he will see me in court and get my address as well as stating stuff about my mental health and sons well being saying he has tried to be reasonable but im not and being vile .May I point out that I only gave him email address in jan so he could respond and he is already using it to be vile for last couple of days I feel as stressed and as bad as I did 5 yeas ago not sleeping or eating properly and nervous .

I have ignored email as so stressed out imdue to have baby in 6 weeks had 2 hours sleep that night so stressed :(I did try and sort all this out before I was in late stage pregnancy and to be honest he has seen son more in last few months than normal my mum replied for me as I was too stressed saying can you send a alternative propsel or get your solisitor to contact me as the nature of these emails are to stressful with me about to give birth.

I dont know what to do im so scared I dont get free legal representation he does so its so easy for him i didnt mean to break order just wanted to change it and it be fairer and better for son i always intended it to go back through court to make it official as stated in my letters.I did contact court in auguast and got forms just didnt understand them and thought id see if he could come up with a plan of what to do 1st .

he has broke order so many times and I do have proff of this via letters , and my friends who acted as go between.

I have never had any problems with daughters family like this and they are happy to put that in writiing even they know I moved to get away from him ...seems all he wants to do is have contact with me via phone , or mediation or drag me though courts he has made no response to alternative contact except we should pay for everything this is going to be so expensive and im already broke ...surly what I offerd was fair?Im trying not to stress for babies sake but its hard
Im sorry this is so long :(

  • Fiona
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  • Platinum Member
22 Apr 12 #325746 by Fiona
Reply from Fiona
When circumstances change written agreement or a court variation is required rather than unilaterally changing the arrangements, particularly if the other party is difficult.

It''s necessary now for most parents to attend a mediation Information & Assessment Meeting before the court will hear a case. The applicant needs to arrange the meeting and the respondent is invited to go along separately to find out if mediation is a appropriate. It isn''t appropriate when there has been a history of DV. The mediator will then just complete form indicating that you have attended the MIAM and the court hearing can go ahead without mediation and you won''t need to see your ex apart from in court.

Your ex can apply to court for your address, but when there is a history of DV the court papers can be served without disclosing the address.

I''m assuming that the contact order was made after December 2008 so the order and warning notice will have been served on both parties. IF your ex is applying for enforcement the court has to ensure there is no reasonable excuse for breaking the order. There is a history of you complying with order and evidence that you tried to be reasonable and resolve the issues when circumstances changed so I don''t think you should worry too much.

  • Kelbel
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22 Apr 12 #325749 by Kelbel
Reply from Kelbel
Thanks so much :)
My order was made in may 2009 and I have never broken it once ...he has but I havent.
Until now but I really didnt mean too I advised him of difficulties prior and have made arrangements for contact.he siad I cant change any thing until he agrees but I asked him over 5 months ago and he never replied then in jan I said ok im changing it how long was I meant to wait for a response its been 5 months before he did.

He arranged the mediation in his area and I didnt recive the email in time and like I said at the moment I cant travel all that way not because im being difficult ...but because im about to have a baby , I dont drive and have to arrange care for my other 2 children.

I said that I was told mediation is not doable in DV case last time we went to court so I wont be going ...and he replied he has never been violent ..obviously I have police records of this and my dr has notes and the safe house I went to has record I dont know if he told his solitor about the DV.

I really dont want him to have my address thats the thing thats making me feel so awful and scared :(

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