Daughter sharing a bed with boy at contact

My daughter is 4.5 years old and has alternate weekend contact with her father. Their relationship has never been very good and it is only since he met his girlfriend and introduced our daughter to the girlfriends younger brother, who is almost 9 years old, that our daughter would go for contact without extreme upset. Her father now pays the boy to be there each time he collects our daughter to ensure that she will go with him without being upset/kicking up a fuss. Today she came back and said that last night her father had put a film on (certificate 12 which she''s already been up 3 times tonight having nightmares about) in her bedroom and that her and the boy had watched it in bed together and had then slept in the same bed, and that this had happened several times before. I asked what her father was doing/did he not want to watch the film with them and she said he was busy downstairs having beers and so didn''t come to check on them. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that them sharing a bed isn''t right and shouldn''t be happening?

To be honest if she''s not worried about sharing a bed with him I wouldn''t be bothered about it. She clearly really likes him and if seeing him is helping contact to go well that''s really good.

The films are another matter, though. If they are giving her nightmares you need to try and get your ex to understand that they really aren''t appropriate. Easier said than done, I know...

Best wishes,
Sadie

Contact isn''t going well with her father though, she isn''t spending any time with him at all, only with this boy and she has clearly said to her father and to me that if the boy isn''t there then she will refuse to go. I just don''t see the need for the bed sharing when he has a big house with plenty of beds. Our daughter is very aware of physical affection at the moment (she came home from school last week having kissed two boys apparently...!) and keeps talking about how she loves them and the boy at her dads house and how people kiss and so on when they love each other, so really don''t think the bed sharing is appropriate. I''ve tried to reason with him about the films but he doesn''t see the issue and won''t stop letting her watch them

Hi Jenna

I am sorry but I think that this situation is wholly unsuitable and inappropriate.

If it were me, my daughter would not be going if she were sharing a bed with a 9 year old boy, I would not allow it even if there were a shortage of beds. You have no idea who this lad is other than the son of his girlfriend.

Your gut feeling tells you that this is wrong, and I agree with you.

The watching of unsuitable films and that your ex is happy for her to watch them also says to me that your child''s welfare is not at the top of your ex''s agenda.

I would be taking advice with regards to this and see what your legal position is especially as you say that your daughter is unsettled at school.

She should be spending time with her father during contact, not being with a lad who is being paid to be with her.

I may be a prude but I think your gut feeling (whether or not something untoward is happening) is correct - at least to find out what the legal position is.

I may be wrong but I did think that brothers and sisters are not meant to share a bedroom let alone a bed once they get to a certain age. Surely there is some sort of stand point as to the fact that they are not related.

I wish you all the best and certainly don''t want to scaremonger but I think you are right to feel uneasy, I certainly would.

Kind regards

Epitome - It isn''t the girlfriends son she is sharing a bed with, it is the girlfriends brother so him and my daughter are not/never will be siblings which I think actually makes the situation worse in my eyes. I just know that when I bring it up I''ll be accused of trying to frustrate contact and my daughter and I will be called liars, that he''ll tell our daughter I''m trying to stop her seeing the boy etc. I don''t think it''s much to ask that she has her own bed there, goes to bed at a reasonable time and watches age appropriate films if she must watch films at bedtime so that her sleep isn''t disturbed here for several days after she returns.

Jenna,

I am in complete agreement with you.

If your instincts are telling you this is wrong, go with it.

it is NOT RIGHT that she is watching films that are not age appropriate.

She is 4.5 years old. I would speak to your solicitor and take advise urgently.

xxx

Hi Jenna

I agree with Sadie re the bed-sharing, your daughter obviously likes this boy and enjoys his company.

The films, which are not age appropriate are a different matter, and I''ve posted before about this issue on one of your previous posts.