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Residency dilemma

  • teachermum
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23 Apr 12 #325846 by teachermum
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Hi all, just wanted to share really, wondered if anybody had any advice or was in a similar situation....

I have 50:50 shared residence with my ex and we have 2 great little boys. Ex doesn''t like the arrangement and has hinted that he wants me to apply for full residency (he won''t ''give them up'' but wants it to be something that was ''out of his hands''). In the meantime he has taken to changing arrangements at the last minute and dropping the boys back with me. I am happy to have them but it means I can''t ever arrange to do anything else or be out - I raised this with him and his response was that I should be grateful for extra time (I am) and I shouldn''t be doing anything else.
I am aware that he is doing this to control me but I feel trapped - I know that applying for full residency (which I would love) might backfire, leaving me with less time with the boys.

Has anybody else had experience of a similar situation? I''d really appreciate any advice.

teachermum

  • jonathancj
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25 Apr 12 #326407 by jonathancj
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What do you think would be best for your boys? To be looked after by someone who really doesn''t want them to be there? Will that make them settled and feel wanted and valued? You may have to recognise that more time with you is better for them and they''re the ones who count for most here.

  • mumtoboys
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25 Apr 12 #326422 by mumtoboys
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this worries me - this sounds so much like the ''victim mentality'' that my ex screams about whenever he gets the opportunity. If you apply for residence and get it, it''s out of his hands, yes. But you''re the bad guy. When it''s ''why don''t we see you as much as we used to daddy'', he can reply ''well, your mum thought it best that you spent more time with her''. As they get older, he''s able to tell them that you took him to court so he had to abide by a court order (and that''s assuming you get one) so again, he''s the victim, he wanted to spend more time with his children but the ex wife and the courts conspired against him....

I would personally suggest removing yourself from the family home as best you can so that he can''t drop back when it suits him, not picking up your phone and letting him leave a message so you can call back if it''s some kind of emergency rather than him wanting to cut his contact time short. I''d do that before applying to the courts for a Residence Order which will cost you both money and who knows how much emotionally, not to mention the impact on the children. Even mediation might help if he''s willing. But I''d personally avoid court unless you''re backed into a corner. And even then, I''d do what I could to avoid it!

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25 Apr 12 #326434 by jonathancj
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That''s a very good point, mtb. It shows the value of talking to someone who has already been through the mill!

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