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4/5 year old calling the shots

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23 Apr 12 #325851 by chatsworth08
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Morning everyone.
some of you know me and what im trying to do with my child.
the overview is.......i have been seeing my boy 3 times a week for the last 2-3 years. still no overnights but atleast i have been seeing him. my question is...........

as his mum has a greater influence over my son, i am seeing him less and less now.
when he comes to my house its fantastic, sometimes my son occasionaly has his off days.... like last month he just sat down to eat his dinner and wanted the toilet, he was dancing in his seat so to speak, so i said toilet time, anyway he went and blamed me for him missing the start of his programme, i said you needed the toilet, so he kicked me in the foot, i got down to his level and with my finger, waved it from side to side saying we dont kick. anyway he went off the head and had a typical child moment, he demanded to phone his mum, so i let him.
his mum came over and i tld her what happened, it was nothing really only him not getting his own way.
his mum wouldnt listen to me really, all she could say was doint point at him and be quiete because when i speak to him i only wind him up.
i asked for support on the way my son spoke to me and kicked me. anyway that never came and she drove off.
this has happened a few times now and its baisically my son not getting his own way. his mum supports him on this and wont support me when hes been naughty. i have mentioned to her if my son continues in this vain he might take this into other things in life. if he thinks he can do what he likes and has the support of his mum when it doesnt go right.....then there will be problems, or might be problems.
we have been to mediation and 5 weeks later im still waiting for a 2nd meeting because mediation want to talk to both of us because when i go to pick up my son....he says im not coming daddy, stating DONT ARGUE WITH ME DADDY, ITS MY CHOICE NOT YOURS.

all along where im concerned his mum has let him decide on if he comes with me or not and now hes getting older i dont see him alot. i phone everyday at 5pm and he either doesnt speak to me or makes a loud noise or shouts down the phone.

even mediation said my son is very powerful in this....and for him to say dont argue with me daddy must mean something in child therapist talk.

the ex lets him decide on everything,

last sunday he decided to phone me afetr not coming with me on the saturday simply because he wanted to make a robot i said we would make.

i did think about it 1st, i thought i shouldnt go and get him because this shows hes still controlling when he sees me, but on the ohter hand i havnt seen him for a whle so i went to get him. i got there and he said i only want to whizz over daddy to make the robot, then come back. i was gutted in one way but atleast i got to see him. he said he wanted me to pick him up from school the following day. so i went to pick him up (his mum was there as usual coz she wont let me pick him up without her being there)and he completely ignored me and ran to his mums car. its like i wasnt even there. he saw me no problem waiting for him, but acted if a wasnt there at all. i got in my car and i was upset for a while. now although im still phoning him everyday i still dont see him. he decides what happens and his mum is letting him do this.

i have even been told by my solicitor that she has heard of 5 year old doing this and a judge has let it carry on.

i have been doing this for 5 years now and i have tried everything. now my boys older he seems to be siding with his mum alot of the time and showing off when i do see him on his doorstep, ordering me to do this or that, or bring this back here to me.

my solicitor said if i go to court there is a chance a judge will do nothing at all.
or i might have to go back to a contact centre for an hour or so on a saturday again. or nothing might happen at all.

my worry is i have done all that before, been down that route and no-one could falt me. i only went to the contact centre because it was the only way CAFCASS could get me to see my son. i shouldnt have been there in the 1st place. ive never been in trouble with the police, i dont do drugs, im not violent at all, i dont smoke. i dont exist according to the police.

my ex still doesnt like the fact that i want to be a part of my sons life....

so now if i go back to court, i might have to do all that again.


why oh why cant people see what the ex is doing to my son letting him decide what happens and dictates when hes sees me because it suits him and her.

you can see why fathers who have done nothing wrong what so ever just walk away after years of just trying to be a father and dad.
im ashamed of the courts not seeing this, just because the mum says this or that, she is listened to.

my boy gets upset and throws a strop and his mum comforts him even though it was nothing is just showing him that he can use me as a toy and get his own way and his mum wont tell him off if he says horrible things or acts in a horrible way towards me.

sorry for going on a bit peeps,

it just seems 5 years down the line ive got nothing more than i had 5 years ago.

only a boy wh seems to be playing the game and his mum and dad off against each other.

shame.

chats

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23 Apr 12 #325855 by epitome title
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Hi Chatsworth

I am afraid I have no answers for you but I do feel for you.

I have a feeling your ex will regret her enabling of your son to call the shots once he becomes a big strong wilfull teenager.

I really hope she stops allowing him to get at you for whatever her feelings are for you, she will regret it big time when she is unable to stop him doing exactly what he wants when the raging hormones take over. I know that he is only a lad right now but he will grow up and she is making a massive rod for her own back (and yours) as I will bet my bottom dollar she will be asking for your help when she realises she has, probably thinking for the best reasons, spoilt him rotten and has a teenager who thinks he can do what he likes.

Well done for continuing to be there for him, it must be hard but all I can suggest is that when he is with you, he lives by your rules, he will appreciate the boundaries you are giving him, perhaps when he doesn''t get his own way and wants to tell his mum, try a compromise, ie he can call his mum once you have done something nice together - hard as it might be, look for something that he has done well and go on and on about it, try to play down the demanding behaviour and distract him. Easier said than done I know!!

Best of luck, you are a good dad and you are doing the right thing.

Kind regards

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29 Apr 12 #327157 by chatsworth08
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thank you. Can i say this also, i phone my boy everyday and he doesnt speak to me. I can hear him say, i dont want to speak. What a shame that is. I know his mum doesnt take the phone to him as she repeats everything i ask him. So as usual she is letting him decide what happens especially where im concerned when i go and get him on saturday mornings at 10, i very often ger a text at 9 ish saying my boy is saying hes not going to yours today.....he has lots lined up this morning....so if i still want to come to see if he will come with me......then i shld go there at 11 or 11.30. or he watches a dvd, so when i get there hes stll in his pjs even at that time. i know his mum doesnt like me, but when my son kicks me or throws something i tell him off. his mum sees it as me upsetting him, so without the support from her about his naughty attitde towards me, he does what he likes to me. Im firm but fair. Like i said, mediation want us to go back there asap because they want to talk about my boys thinking.....he thinks i always argue with him. But i dont, im just a normal parent. Even mediation has has a word with a child therapist, so my boy saying.....daddy always argues with me must mean somthing in a therapists world. That was on the 15 march this year, ive asked her to make another appointment like mediation asked, ive even asked for that before she goes on holiday with my boy. She said she will try but shes got alot on, and she said she really cant see what mediation can do anyway, so she thinks she is right? im trying to get her to see its wrong not to back me up when i tell my boy off. She just undermines me and he must think that daddys a prat. Just like mummy says. Im doing all i can to see my son, but his mum says hes cross with me for telling him off over a month ago. has anybody any idea what im trying to do here? or am i just being a fool for wanting to see my boy. I phone everyday, i pop round to get him on a saturday morning when she txts me to say i can. Honestly ladies and gents, am i wasting my time doing all this? It certainely feels like it, its very hard when your only son doesnt want to speak to you or come to your house to spend time together.............just because she lets him decide what happens and when. if she cant see what shes doing to our son, then because she lets this happen, then im very afraid i will loose my son... And she will love it. Im fed up, all i want is to see my 5 year old boy. I miss him so much.

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29 Apr 12 #327160 by chatsworth08
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thank you. Can i say this also, i phone my boy everyday and he doesnt speak to me. I can hear him say, i dont want to speak. What a shame that is. I know his mum doesnt take the phone to him as she repeats everything i ask him. So as usual she is letting him decide what happens especially where im concerned when i go and get him on saturday mornings at 10, i very often ger a text at 9 ish saying my boy is saying hes not going to yours today.....he has lots lined up this morning....so if i still want to come to see if he will come with me......then i shld go there at 11 or 11.30. or he watches a dvd, so when i get there hes stll in his pjs even at that time. i know his mum doesnt like me, but when my son kicks me or throws something i tell him off. his mum sees it as me upsetting him, so without the support from her about his naughty attitde towards me, he does what he likes to me. Im firm but fair. Like i said, mediation want us to go back there asap because they want to talk about my boys thinking.....he thinks i always argue with him. But i dont, im just a normal parent. Even mediation has has a word with a child therapist, so my boy saying.....daddy always argues with me must mean somthing in a therapists world. That was on the 15 march this year, ive asked her to make another appointment like mediation asked, ive even asked for that before she goes on holiday with my boy. She said she will try but shes got alot on, and she said she really cant see what mediation can do anyway, so she thinks she is right? im trying to get her to see its wrong not to back me up when i tell my boy off. She just undermines me and he must think that daddys a prat. Just like mummy says. Im doing all i can to see my son, but his mum says hes cross with me for telling him off over a month ago. has anybody any idea what im trying to do here? or am i just being a fool for wanting to see my boy. I phone everyday, i pop round to get him on a saturday morning when she txts me to say i can. Honestly ladies and gents, am i wasting my time doing all this? It certainely feels like it, its very hard when your only son doesnt want to speak to you or come to your house to spend time together.............just because she lets him decide what happens and when. if she cant see what shes doing to our son, then because she lets this happen, then im very afraid i will loose my son... And she will love it. Im fed up, all i want is to see my 5 year old boy. I miss him so much.

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29 Apr 12 #327161 by Shezi
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Hi Chatsworth.

This is one of the worst cases of child manipulation I have read here. Does your ex listen to anyone at all? Does she think it''s reasonable (I''m asking genuinely)? Or does she know what she''s doing and think it''s amusing / you deserve it etc?

Shezi

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29 Apr 12 #327166 by halfadad
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Chats

Im going to be harsh here because you are going through what I went through, and you are making the same mistakes i made in the beginning before I wised up. I have lost my son

You are going to lose you son.

However you are not losing him because his mum lets him decide what happens and when. You are losing him because you refuse to do anything about it.

You can only change you actions not those of your ex.

Turn up at your exs, tell you son he doesnt have a choice hes coming with you. when hes at yours asking to go back to his mums dont take him.

Go back to court, get a better order, get one that forbids the mum to be at school on your pick up days so he has to come with you.

Be proactive rather than sitting around waiting for her to be a better person. she wont.

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29 Apr 12 #327169 by chatsworth08
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thanks guys. I have spoken to my solicitor and shes even said she has known of cases where i cant do anything about it. She said its a possibility CAFCASS and a judge will side with her and my boy. The ex is a vindictice grudge holder that thinks she is right in everything where my son is concerned with me. if he gets upset when i go to pick im up, she says leave him alone. I say its not your choice, you have to come with me, but she gets all argumentative and threatens me with the police, saying your kidnapping him. omg, ive been through the courts and cafcass thing before, no order was made coz the ex and i agreed to sort it out between us, and i had no money left. she hates me, thats fine. Shes the one who left me, i only want to semy boy, but mediation want a 2nd chat and shes too busy, yeah rite. i will speak to my solicitor again and see what can be done. my son is acting this way because hes been allowed. even if a court order saidpick him up from school and on sats and during the week, if he doesnt want to come then she will side with him......im dreading this cafcass again.

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