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28 Apr 12 #326918 by blonde cazza
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I need some advise...my 18 year old daughter has been involved alot in the divorce...she has seen texts from me to her dad and has seen solicitors letters not sure if my ex has shown them to her or she has snooped!
I have had some crazy behaviour from her over the last 15 monhs which has seen her make up fake facebook profiles of me...request me on fb as a friend under different names then change the account back to her name...she has also harrased my friends by waitin outside thier house to talk to them and trying to talk to them on fb but they have not replied.
I have also heard her quiz her brother whos 13 on whats going on in my life..
The latest last night was tracking down her step brother on skype...
I have asked her father if it was her and he claims its not but her step brother said its definately her and cones up with her name...she claims to be a girl from hong kong!
Im really not sure how to deal with her but its slowly all starting to reveal itself....my daughter has been claiming i was having an affair which i never have done and slowly the pieces of this jigsaw are revealed...my husband followed me to the gym..i went to the gym...its taken 9 months for him to issue a Petition which as full of lies and no mention of this affair which im supposed to of had!!!...It quite clearly seems both my daughter and ex partner have been in co hoots with each others as to try to get reasons for divorce!
How could one child been so vindictive that se would want her parents to split!
Last year she wanted us to get back together just before marital house was sold and alot of people told me not to trust her!
I still remember her nasty words saying when we split...im not staying with you how are you goingto pay the bills...ive had her saying my parents were horrible people...but all they ever did was love her...take her on holiday buyclothes for her etc etc..
How do you deal with this on top of everything else?...i know she ill and has bulliema but im at my witts end!

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28 Apr 12 #326925 by u6c00
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Hi Cazza, it sounds like all of you are in an impossible situation and it''s become emotionally very difficult.

If you don''t mind, I''d like to ask a few questions as well as offer a few opinions and bits of advice?

First of all, you don''t really say what you want. Obviously you are struggling with your relationship with your daughter, but is it that you want to re-establish a more positive relationship with her, or just want the meddling to stop for the moment? Perhaps there is some other other ''end'' that you hope for? It must''ve hurt a lot that she chose to live with your ex, and especially if she said some hurtful things, hopefully you are able to forgive and forget to some extent.

I think it is extremely regrettable that your daughter has been able to become involved in the divorce. That said, at 18 years old she is an adult. In all likelihood it would''ve been futile to try and keep her out of things if she was committed to involving herself. I hope that her father hasn''t involved her, though of course you can never know for certain.

From the little I know about eating disorders (and it''s no expert opinion!), I believe that it can sometimes relate to issues of control. For example, she can''t control her parents separating so she will control her eating habits. This sounds like she may need help more than condemnation, and perhaps it might be in her best interests to talk with her dad in a completely non-hostile environment. An example I used in my separation was to go to a Wetherspoons, which was sufficiently public to prevent arguments while allowing enough privacy to discuss the issues. If you can do this successfully then you might be able to both talk to her (preferably at the same time) and present a united front.

As her parents, I''m sure you both want the best for her, and if you can agree on what that is then you ought to be able to see a way to achieve it. Keep reminding yourself and your ex of this if you do try this extremely difficult route.

With regard to his Petition, do you want to be divorced? I am absolutely not a divorce lawyer, and have not been married, so I don''t know enough about the legal side. Check with a solicitor before acting on any advice of course!
It is possible that neither of you has sufficient grounds for a divorce at the moment. If that''s the case, ask yourself whether you have anything to lose but your pride in accepting his Petition (again, I don''t know whether you do, legally). Perhaps the best step forward for you, your ex, your son and your daughter, is to get it over with, thus taking away any reason for her to snoop (on his behalf or her own). Once you do, maybe you can focus on establishing a more positive relationship with you daughter.

I would really recommend Relate, either for you alone or for you and your daughter. It must be extremely difficult for you at the moment, and as much as we here will offer you some advice (maybe good advice, that''s for you to decide), we''re probably not experts, only people with our own experiences.

In order to deal with her difficult behaviour, my advice would be to ignore it as much as possible. I appreciate that this is difficult, especially where it affects the welfare of your son, but getting in to a battle over it only gives her the wrong kind of attention. Instead I would ask why she wants to resort to this kind of activity? Is it that she doesn''t have enough of a relationship with her step-brother? If so can you facilitate that? If she wants to know about your life, is it that she wants to ask personally but doesn''t feel able? If so can you write her an email or letter, or just phone her up and talk to her about your life without it having to come back to your divorce? Perhaps just phone her up and ask how she is?

I don''t know if any of this will help, but I hope things get better for you soon.

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28 Apr 12 #326935 by blonde cazza
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Hi i just want her to stop meddling for a bit...it has been a very difficult 15 months with her.
I asked for a divorce shortly after seperating but were awaiting my exs new address for papers to be served...i suggested mediation but he issued apetition full of lies and went to the court with it.
He said he would pay fees if i co operated with it.
Im realy at my witts end with her and no her choosing to live with her father was her choice...her exact words were hw are you going to pay the bills?.
My family said to have nothing to do with her as it seems she has set out from the start to split a marriage up and its very difficult to build a relationship with her now!
My ex doesnt talk and when you do try he accuses you of harrassing him...if you read my previous posts you will see that ive had alot of hassle from him and was left to sort everything out.
I want to be able to move on from this whole mess.
Her step brother has made a character statement of my ex as there were issues between my ex and him when he was little hence why he wants no contact wth his step sister.
Its a very difficult and delicate situation and i do think its been planned between my ex and our daughter! very sad...

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28 Apr 12 #326972 by sun flower
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Blonde Cazza
I really have no advice to offer but I can tell you my daughter has also chosen to live with my stbx and ow - breaking my heart and her younger brothers - they used to be very close. My daughter has pulled the most hurtful things possible ''out of the bag'' (at least Dad is happy now was a humdinger within weeks of him leaving me after long term affair was a humdinger)...I don''t know how I will ever forgive her..but I hope someday I may....but probably not as long as she lives with ow...she is 17 ...and rufuses to acknowledge how much further hurt she has caused her brother and myself. She is also a bit of a control freak.

So I have no advice, but I do feel for you. A kinder part of me says divorce is hell for these teenagers too....but they are old enough to know that cheating is wrong ...and yet they condone it.
sc

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28 Apr 12 #326981 by blonde cazza
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yes sc i agree but there is no ow or other man at all....my daughter has set out it seems to ruin the marriage.i also had dad is happy now line even when her step brother said you cant do any more damage she laughed!...i dont think i can forgive her now its starting to unravel...

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28 Apr 12 #326984 by julesgy
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divorce is hell for these teenagers too....but they are old enough to know that cheating is wrong ...and yet they condone it.
sc[/quote]
hi everyone - well after a bad week at work today is chill day and it really helps to read posts and blogs on here and after reading these posts i must say i totally agree with what you say scareyclaire my daughter is 27 and after everything she has seen her father put me through for 6 years she still has contact with him - and yet i cant forget her words when she found out about the first affair "i will never have anything to do with him again" and yes it does hurt when she sees him and her answer is that she has given him what for with reards to his behaviour and thats it - i know this sounds awful but i wonder what she would say if it happened to her - but shes my daughter and i love her but it doesnt mean i alwayslike her - were not as close as we used to be .

  • khan72
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28 Apr 12 #327007 by khan72
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Counselling? relate may be able to help?

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