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It''s gotta be better than this ... :(

  • aboy
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01 May 12 #327590 by aboy
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I''m the NRP. Fought tooth and nail for my sons aged 3 and 4 years to have contact with me. Handover at supermarket coz ex is really bitter. Never says goodbye to children or welcomes them back in my presence. No communications between us - only limited texting and plethora of solicitor letters despite 3 years of separation and divorce. My welcomes and goodbyes are full of waves and kisses to try to make the boys feel less anxious at handovers. I''ve tried to address this with her as the children switch into withdrawn mode and it breaks my heart. Got a response from her solicitors that it is none of my business how she conducts her relationship with the kids. My boys love being with me and I have overnight staying contact alternative weekend. Going back to their mom at end of contact is always difficult for them. I do everything for them as they have had contact with me since eldest was 1 years old and the youngest 7 weeks old. The bitterness is extreme from ex. But it''s got so bad now that I fear it''s having a huge impact on the children''s psyche - I took the children to a toys shop during Saturday of their contact with me indulging in some pleasure time. Children were delighted and laughing smiling throughout. Suddenly the ex pops out from the corner in the shop perhaps running her own errands. She stood right in front of us facing me and the boys. The boys instinctively said hey that''s mummy and looked at her hoping to say hello. I was smiling and recognising the children have bumped into their mother and said yes that''s mummy. In return the ex just glared at me, completely ignored the children, expressionless and without any warmth to the children turned round and stomped off. The children immediately lost their smiles withdrew and clung onto my legs. There was silence and I kissed both my sons pointing to the toys. This attitude towards the children in my presence has to change. Surely this cannot be right. People talk about domestic abuse and emotional destruction. These are extreme words with extreme connotations - surely this attitude is along the same continuum of emotional hurt. I have tried to reflect on this episode and the handover attitude and feel that somehow I need to bri g some change. But how? It''s impossible to communicate as there are no lines of communication, I am the children''s father and I want the best for them. This cannot be the best. What can I do ? Any attempts to contact solicitors and court looks like aggressive attack on her but the courts don''t see this emotional attack by her in her own children. How can she just ignore the children like that - am I just shouting for help into empty air? Sorry for the frustration but it''s not fair ....

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01 May 12 #327598 by LittleMrMike
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I wish I could offer some words of comfort, but right now, it isn''t easy.

I had no children of my own but I was a foster parent, and my '' son''s '' mother was a complete waste of space. I kept my trap shut and said nothing, but sooner or later he knew that his mother didn''t care.

Sooner or later your children will be old enough to see through this behaviour, and sooner or later they will be able to express a view. That''s not much at this stage, I know.

Your ex''s behaviour seems only to confirm that her decision to relocate was motivated by a desire to limit contact.

I know there are many on wiki, myself included, who were following your case with some concern. In particular, how your maintenance issue resolved itself. Of course, you don''t need to share it but if you do, well it just may help us to advise others more accurately.

LMM

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01 May 12 #327599 by LittleMrMike
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I wish I could offer some words of comfort, but right now, it isn''t easy.

I had no children of my own but I was a foster parent, and my '' son''s '' mother was a complete waste of space. I kept my trap shut and said nothing, but sooner or later he knew that his mother didn''t care.

Sooner or later your children will be old enough to see through this behaviour, and sooner or later they will be able to express a view. That''s not much at this stage, I know.

Your ex''s behaviour seems only to confirm that her decision to relocate was motivated by a desire to limit contact.

I know there are many on wiki, myself included, who were following your case with some concern. In particular, how your maintenance issue resolved itself. Of course, you don''t need to share it but if you do, well it just may help us to advise others more accurately.

LMM

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01 May 12 #327663 by aboy
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Thanks. It feels that inaction on my part will lead to a continuation of this behaviour. But any action I do take will be seen as an aggressive attempt to discredit the mother''s motherhood. But the damage is and will be done and this will impact on the children. All the contact I have ever had is by court order and the move away was motivated by frustrating my contact. I continue with self employment, the arrears are building up on a monthly basis, I have been unsuccessful in obtaining loans to pay the costs and arrears and simply do not earn the levels to pay the high level of maintenance. I am a sitting duck right now and there is an eerie silence from them. Any attempts to talk about the children is answered with ''if you are so concerned about the children then cough up the monies''. I am paying 20% of my net income from self employment therefore not shedding my responsibilities but it''s not enough - court''s decision. There has to be a way forward. I will definitely inform of my outcome but it''s the children''s emotional and psychological development that is paramount.

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01 May 12 #327667 by AnnoyedMummy
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I suggest keeping a diary of these instances. If you then do feel you have to take it to court, its shows a pattern of this behaviour. Its not just you picking faults and calling the court every time it happens.

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01 May 12 #327672 by aboy
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Yes indeed. It''s the whole attitude which is so compelling - but taking to court just to complain to a judge is not enough. If the situation is so bad, with a diary of repeated events, for it to get back to the judge is in itself testament to a serious breakdown in parenting dynamics so what would I want the judge to do? The only way I see through this is that I become the primary carer. In order to achieve that I would have to comprehensively demonstrate the mother''s systematic failure which sounds like an impossible task. I have even offered mediation which has been flatly refused. This is heart breaking.

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02 May 12 #327825 by nk111
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There is not much anyone can add to what you have said, it is very clear to me and to anyone who reads your first message of the anguish and pain that is manifesting itself in the lives of those involved in the aftermath of another breakdown in relations between two adults.

I stress the words Adults here, however using the word Adults to describe some of the individuals we read about is stretching it to the extreme. No one is perfect and we all will make mistakes in life. But in these types of scenarios we the Adults need to be held accountable for the errors we have made but the emotive nature of these scenarios should not remain a catalyst for further mistakes that impact the lives of those we are supposed to protect...the children

Not every case is like yours granted, but there are still many cases like yours out there where the children are suffering as a direct result of the actions of at least one of the Parents and rigid and costly decision taken by the authorities and parties who have been placed in charge of resolving the matter.

I am not sure why parents who declare that they have a GENUINE desire to play a active role in the upbringing of their children, why they cannot be given a fair opportunity to do so?

Whilst responsibility remains as lopsided as it is then these situations you describe will remain...questions is why we just accept it? when quite evidently situations like this are not right full stop. If it’s not working then fix it! Individually we will not be able to change this, collectively i honestly believe we can.

Attitudes need to be changed and people need to be made aware of these very sentiments you have put across ...it is not nice to read and should leave anyone frustrated at the fact that the children are still suffering.

The Courts and the Government should do everything in their power to encourage and eventually where possible enforce shared responsibility, prevent alienation of parents, uphold and enforce court orders to avoid either parent having a favourable hold over the other.
When it is proven and it becomes evidently clear that the parents one or both has and can prove by actions that they have a GENUINE desire to do what is best for a child’s upbringing a shared responsibility order needs to be put in place giving equal rights.
Contact Orders should be nothing more than in my personal opinion a measure to facilitate this.
Solicitors need to be capped as to how much they should earn on anyone case and be governed by ethical guidelines to prevent the further escalation of blatant, pointless and petty arguments which do nothing more than facilitate the status quo of hate between parents.

If the focus is to be on the child then the Adults emotions need to be taken out of the equation.

I would like to do nothing more than to air your and similar views to those that are involved in the decision making to prove to them that the system is failing parents like yourself and me as it is exactly how i feel when i see my children ...diaries are not the answer it is unlikely to have any significant effect as there needs to be a fundamental change in peoples attitude and thinking.
Voicing your concerns and lobbying of your MP''s whilst doing whatever you can to get these types of situations known out there in the public domain would be a start. Whilst it remains within the current process you know as much I do what the likely outcome will be

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