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How to deal with ex lying to child?

  • Jenna29
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05 May 12 #328541 by Jenna29
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Aside from having an extra night during the Christmas holidays, my daughter (aged 4.5 years old) has never had any extra contact with her father during school holidays. We have been seperated for almost 3 years. We don''t have a contact order, though at mediation he said he wants 3 weeks of extra contact during school holidays. So far I have usually contacted him at least 2 months in advance of any school holiday to ask if/what extra contact he would like. He usually leaves it until the weekend before the school holiday and then says he doesn''t want any extra contact. We went away for a week at Easter and I''d asked him months earlier if he wanted any extra contact during the Easter holidays, to which he said no. Then last time she went for contact he told her that he took his girlfriend and her brother to Disneyland for a week (even showing her it on the internet) and that he''d wanted to take her too, but that I''d said no.
He collected her last night and he has been promising to buy her a Nintendo DS for over a year. He''d told her last time that he had ordered it so she asked if it had come yet. He said he had sent it back, because I''d said she wasn''t allowed one (again, not true.) He then asked if he was having her until Monday instead of Sunday as it''s a bank holiday. I''d asked him about this three/four times in the past 2 months and received no response and so went ahead and made plans, which I pointed out to him. He started complaining about this, then told our daughter that it would give him a chance to pack for his holiday. She asked where he is going and he told her he is going on an aeroplane to the beach etc and that he would''ve loved to take her but I won''t let her go. He is going on a week long stag-do to Vegas!! Obviously I don''t want to argue in front of her, but I also don''t want to continue to allow her father to lie to her and paint me as the bad guy. What can I do?

  • sexysadie
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05 May 12 #328548 by sexysadie
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Maybe you should just tell her that sometimes Daddy makes things up? I know it''s officially bad practice but the alternative is for you to carry on allowing him to feed your daughter this rubbish unchallenged.

Best wishes,
Sadie

  • fairylandtime
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05 May 12 #328550 by fairylandtime
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Omg can 2 marry the same man??? My X is just the same, broken promises to kids, bounced cheques lies re divorce etc I could go on forever :(

However, my kids are older & now see it for what it is, taken me 2 years to get to the point where I cannot "fix it" like I had been doing throughout our marriage. There really isnt much you can do, kids just know that I won''t make promises I cannot keep, will ans questions truthfully etc etc. it is heartbreaking to see this in action sometimes, ie promising an expensive item from hols & comming back with something completely different - told kids that perhaps there were none available & x brought back what he could. Personally if you cannot give it don''t promise it.

I have not helped you really, only to say that you are not alone & it''s hard but nothing much you can do, but alway be consistent for your dt & she will realise in time.

Stay Strong JJx

  • Jenna29
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05 May 12 #328562 by Jenna29
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Sadie - The problem there is that she then asks outright if he is lying and if I say yes, then he hears that I''ve said he is a liar and he starts badmouthing me and so on and our daughter gets stuck in the middle which isn''t fair on her.

Fairy - I am consistent and she recognises that I keep my promises and he doesn''t. I think she has told him this which is now leading him to lie that it''s because of me that he isn''t keeping his promises.

  • WhiteRose
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05 May 12 #328613 by WhiteRose
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Hi Jenna,

It makes me sad that an adult plays these stupid mind games with their 4.5 year old daughter. Poor love!

And he has the nerve to be outraged when he''s caught out in the lie!
:(

  • redwine47
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05 May 12 #328616 by redwine47
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OMG what ars *ole....... Your wee child must be really confused. My advice is to tell the truth within limits obviously ur child is very young but try and be as honest as possible . You are the mum and will find a way. As long as ur child can depend on your security she/he will be fine.

If it''s any consolation. I have a 22 years old who now understands but have a confused 12 yrs old. I just feel for you and ur wee one xx

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06 May 12 #328715 by Jenna29
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Thankfully she is very mature and perceptive for her age and is starting to understand for herself that is bitter and cross and that she doesn''t hear bad things about him from me, though I am honest in the nicest possible way when he lies! I just don''t know why he does things to cause her to be upset when it could all be so simple.

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